[hangingon]

So I went in to session tonight and thought before I got there that I didn't want this to be a rough session because I started back to class this week and it's stressful enough.
I didn't tell my T that, though she probably would have liked me doing that if thats what I needed.

I decided to talk about things that happened recently, just every day things. Sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff like that, rather than the nitty gritty. I did more talking in that sense that's for sure. I still have a hard time connecting with emotions such as anger and accepting that I have a right to feel that way.... yeah, she talked with me some about that and how I need to create a medium, rather than the..... I am never going to be like my parent's. She says I have a right to feel things as well and they shouldn't have that control.

So then I asked her about her connection with her old T. I said, you stayed with her for a long time, what did she do that made you do that? She said, I have actually been thinking about that lately. She said we talked alot, I mean alot about relationships both ours and my outside relationships which I brought into the room as well. She said she had a hard time with trust at first as well. Said you get to a point where you finally trust, or allow yourself to trust, but that doesn't mean you won't have times when you don't trust.

She said she could sense that I am beginning to trust her more that she has seen some changes in that. Said only I will know when that really happens but that she has recognized that I have been doing much better with that.

I said I really do want to trust you. I know I need to change that is why I am here, I don't want to keep living in this cycle of non-trust, running away from people. I said it's so easy for me to run. She said but your here and your trying. You keep coming that says a lot. I know you want to change.

She asked me what it was that made me not feel like I could trust her. So I told her that I am afraid I will disappoint her. She said that she won't be disappointed that this is about what you need. Then I said, I'm afraid I will tell you all this stuff and then have you leave, or say you can't see me anymore (I shed some tears at this point but held back hard). She said, do you mean that you think I will hear all of it and it will be too much for me. I said yes, she said it won't be. I am here for you, I want to be here for you. I care for you, I know that it's hard to accept that but I really do. If I have to keep saying it, I will. I said, I think I'll need that

Then I brought up the comment on how she said she had to remember that I have a different background than her other clients, that my history is unique. I said, I really don't know what you meant by that but it bothered me, made me feel like there was something wrong with me. She said she couldn't remember the context we were talking about us far as clearing that up but that she assures me she didn't mean it in a bad way. (it was over 2 months ago) That she was really glad I brought that up, that she really wants me to do that with her.

I said I know I have to, especially as it happens in case I interpreted it incorrectly, she said you don't have to do anything but it would be very beneficial for you to. She said when you hold those things inside they fester and build a stronger wall that makes it harder to trust.

Then she mentioned again how she senses I am doing that more. That she there is no measure as to how much I trust ect....but that she feels it as well. It felt good to hear her say that. I think she is right, still cautious but getting there a little at a time

Then she gave me a big hug and off I went.
I felt weird when I left, my stomach was sort of in knots but I guess that's where the trust conversation gets me (scary, scary). I am glad we had that talk though. I truly hope it continues to move the relationship along.

[velcro003]

Yay!!!!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW, what a productive and brave conversation!!!!

I am considering asking my T how he feels about our relationship...because I have all of these thoughts that I've conjured up in my own mind - and I need to take that risk, and ask the question of whether or not he cares, that he's genuinely interested, etc.

It's such a scary thing to do - and you took the risk in discussing things that provided you with that result. Good for you!!!

[rainbow8]

What a productive session. You should be very proud of yourself!

[writingwithink]

Very nice!

[Confused_1982]

What a great session! I wish I could be so brave to talk to my T about he feels about our relationship. It sounds like she really cares and wants to help you. Really hope you can continue opening up to her.

Good work, hanging on

I really really believe that for me therapy works best when I am really honest with T about our relationship and how I'm feeling about it. When I can do that, it seems like everything else falls into place a little better.

What an incredible session! I hope the knots in your stomach are gone now. You're very brave to be so open, I love it!

Then I said, I'm afraid I will tell you all this stuff and then have you leave, or say you can't see me anymore

This is exactly the insight that I had earlier this week, wow! And it's the very first thing I want to discuss with T when she finally returns from vacation (less than a week now! ). I know it will be difficult for me to get the words out, but I feel like I need to - this is affecting my therapy process, why I'm holding back, afraid that T will go away. And I don't quite grasp where the fear comes from, but it's very real!

[peaches100]

Wow! What a powerful session! It sounds like you have a very good t who cares very much for you. And good for you for starting to trust and open up more!

[hangingon]

Thanks Velcro, rainbow and writing to think !!!

Mixed up emotions,
It was very scary......when she asked me what it is that made me feel like I couldn't trust her...I said, ah, that's a hard one, I am going to need some time to think about it....so I sat there thinking of what to say, looking around the room ect....silence for a bit, then some words came out, then a few more. It wasn't easy but I am glad I did.
I hope it goes well for you too, it's a hard but good conversation to have

Confused,
Thank you....it's wasn't easy to do and I didn't think I would ever be able to do it but I did. You can do it to, it may take a little time to get the nerve but its worth it.

Tree,
Thanks, I think it's very helpful to be honest to but after our rough session and her reaction I was really scared to open up to her. I really hope it pays off

Dream seeker,
The knots in my stomach did settle but sometimes when I think about it they return. Sort of crazy.....still hanging on to some fear about being vulnerable and where that will lead I guess.
It's great you are going to try and talk to your T about fear of her leaving. It's hard to open up with that in the back of your mind. Learning to trust someone can be so so difficult.

Thank you Peaches! She is working patiently with me. She tells me she cares often now, though I still have my hesitations about the reality of that. She knows that as well

Anyways, when I think about the whole converstation, I feel the knots starting again. I know it's still that underlying fear of being vulnerable, which often resulted in hurt when I was younger. It's so hard to move away from that.

[hangingon]

I put this somewhere else but should add it here as well.

My T made one comment in session last time that had me stumped a little, so I emailed her today about it, for her interpretation rather than mine. Well, mine was pretty right on with hers.

Her comment was, "I promise I will let you know if I ever hit a bump in the road". This came after I told her that I feared she would leave or not want to see me anymore.

My first thought was ouch.....it's as if she herself is hanging onto a way out if needed. Me and my abandonment issues can't really handle these kind of comments

She emailed me back saying that she meant that if something out of her control or unexpected happened, then said, I hope that helps. (because I asked her what she meant.)

Here is my response to her email....
#####,
Thanks, I was thinking something similar. In all honestly, hahaha....grip yourself......here it comes,.... I guess it didn't really help me to hear that with all of my crazy fears....but I asked you for the interpretation, so thank you for sharing (even though what you said could become a reality, I wouldn't ever, ever want anything like that to happen).

With that said, I believe I need to refrain from any similar talk of such future events right now (smiles), because as you mentioned last night (although it was more in reference to future termination), I'm not really ready to even think about that yet so it just plays into my fears and causes me to want to hold back at the very thought of that possibility. Now is that denial?(smiles).
Good night #####!
########

Ok, so as you see I still have major issues with future event talks......yikes....but I am trying

[lifelesstraveled]

((((hangingon))))

Yaaaay!

[googley]

(((((hanginon)))))
I'm so glad you were able to get the interpretation from your T on what she said. It can be really scary. It is these little actions that can build up trust.