[MissCharlotte]

Last year after T's vacation we had a HUGE rupture so I have been tiptoeing around this year, afraid it might happen again. Today was my second session since he came back. I have been trying to understand the intense feelings that come up surrounding his breaks. T said that feelings of neglect, loneliness, and abandonment are stirred up. I understood better on the way home and called him. We spoke only for a minute, but I had just grasped an understanding of this knowing and wanted to tell him that it felt like when I was a little kid and my mom would get home from work and I would want to tell her something that happened but she wouldn't pay any mind to me.

In session I told him that I didn't want someone to "witness" my pain I wanted someone to be with me. I told him I hate it when he is silent, that it makes me feel alone. He said he wished I didn't have so much childhood trauma. I brought up how difficult the connect/disconnect cycle is and I told him I needed MORE validation. He said that sometimes if he doesn't "have it" he can't give it. What the hell does that mean? He said he wished I would tell him when I need something more so I can get what I need. What is this? A one act play each time? Now I say this so he says that? Am I just mad because I felt abandoned? Am I getting back at him? Ugh.

I just feel jumbled, sad, ashamed. I don't understand the session. I feel kind of like a jerk. I want to cry. I want to quit. I don't think I can do this anymore. It's too painful and I am beyond hope. I can't change because I am too mired in ****.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((((Miss))))))))))))))))) I so feel your pain. I'm where you are. I too want to cry. I too want to quit. I too feel alone. Why does T have to bring up all this crap?. I'm traveling so T and I had a phone session that left me more sad than when I picked up the phone. I needed to be heard and felt. Instead all I got where questions. I said "why can't I just disapear?" T said "are you asking my permission". Uggg

[BlueMoon6]

((((Miss C))))) The intense feelings of neglect, lonliness and abandonment are so painful...and that silence makes me feel alone, too. I also feel like my t is not "with" me when she is silent. Did he mean he didnt have more validation to give you? I dont think you are getting back at him, but your feelings about the connect/disconnect are very strong. Its very confusing and he was away for a really long time.
How did the session end?

I also hate feeling like I'm being observed, which is also how the silence can feel to me.

Re: your T's response, it reminded me of pretty much the only time when my T has directly said it's me, not her, that I'm the one that needed to change in that interaction. It was devastating, really really hard to get past. But we did. I guess my point is just that even if he is pushing back for a minute, that that one event is not the totality of your relationship. That it's just one comment, his point of view (just as you are entitled to your own), possibly an imperfect response in that moment, but that shouldn't negate all of the other caring he has shown (assuming you feel that he is generally caring toward you). My thoughts anyway. Sorry it hurts.

MissC

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. I know you will work through this with T.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((MissC!!!)))))))))))
=( maybe you will have to ban that phrase from him (like Pink did on something). Ban him from saying "I'm witnessing your pain".
I can't see why he can't understand why you need him to be there with you =( is it a guy thing (no offense intended to anyone, please don't anyone be hurt or bite back)? That men and women process differently? I dunno.
"he doesn't have it..." that is strange. burnout from vacaton? =(

That does it. T's truly are not aloud to go on vacation anymore. Motion passed.

(((((((((((((((((Miss))))))))))))))))

Ugh, how painful. I'm sorry.

It sounds like the two of your were misattuned?? Like maybe you were just missing each other.

It's SO HARD when T comes back from a vacation. And the second appointment back always feels like the worst. I know it may not even feel worth it right now, but for me, working through ruptures is where so much of my growth comes from in therapy...and every time T and I work through a rupture, our relationship gets closer. It's hard to know in the middle of a rupture whether I should even bother, because it's SO painful, and it feels like it would be easier to just run away.

You and T have worked through ruptures before, and I know you can do it again. I'm sorry it has to be so gut-wrenchingly painful, though.

Lots and lots of to you.

[peaches100]

((((((Miss C))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling a rupture with your t. I hate it when i want my t to understand something so badly but she just doesn't get it. I understand the difference between somebody "witnessing your pain" and "being with you." One sounds completely objective and impersonal, while the other sounds like empathy and connection. What would it mean for your t to "be with you" in your pain? What would he do differently?

For me, being "with me" in my pain means having my t come sit next to me and hug me if i become overwhelmed with painful emotions. But my t doesn't do that. She remains in her chair a distance away from me and speaks with kind words, but does not make any move to physically comfort me. She says "I want you to know that you are not alone anymore," but not "I am with you."

I don't know the answer for myself. I hope you and t can come to some kind of understanding and agreement that works for you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Miss Charlotte )))))))))))))))

[coconut64]

((((((((((((((((((Miss Charlotte )))))))))))))))

How are you today? Do you see T on Thursday/Friday?

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks to all of you. I feel better today but felt really crappy all last night. Just to clarify--I don't feel like this is a rupture. I do feel like (as tree said) we were misattuned somewhat. But I also feel like T was in this bloody T mode that he gets into at times where he feels like it's his job to remind me of my trauma. I think Chaotic had a thread about this a while back. T "Yeah--In case you forget Miss C you had a LOT of childhood trauma....."

But the thing about the witnessing vs. being with you--well it's hard to put into words but it includes verbal validation of my experience. I need a lot of approval. I need to hear it and sometimes the silence of therapy just slays me. He KNEW what I meant and I KNEW what he meant, when he said he didn't have it. He wishes I would be able to say more AT THE TIME that it happens but often I process later. The more I think about this the more I think it we were misattuned. And I agree that the second session is worse than the first one back and that first one was sweet but not easy.

It's hard enough to tell him what I need bu then to not get it -- ach.

I see him again on Thursday. Boy I can think of a couple of fall sweaters I would rather buy. And yes, NO MORE VACATIONS!