[ECHOES]

I am putting off the phone call I have to make today.
T is on vacation and will be back to work tomorrow.
I have had a big financial problem and while this has happened before and I have found a way to see T anyway, this time I am not going to do that.
So, I have to call to leave a mesage that I won't be returning Thursday, but 3 weeks from Thursday.
This is one time I do not want her to call back. If she does it will be too hard to follow through on what I need to do for myself.
I know she is going to read all kinds of things into this. I just don't want to go when I paying for it straps me. This time, therapy will have to wait for me.

I can't imagine a month without T. In fact, the only way through this is to not even think about it. I wish there was some other way, but this is the way I choose and the way that will feel the most comfortable, financially.
I know that all this logic is going to give way, and then what am I gonna do? Then on the other hand I have a fear that I just won't return at all.

yikes

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I know she is going to read all kinds of things into this.

I thought only we did that.

(((((((((((((((ECHOES)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you have to miss a month of therapy.

Not to make it harder for you by making you think about it more...but do you think there is any sort of middle ground that you could work out with T? Shorter phone sessions? Check-in phone calls? A short-term reduced rate?

Good luck with whatever you decide you need to do. I know that talking to T would make it feel a lot harder for me, too.

[ECHOES]

lol Pachy

Tree, she already reduces my fee, she allowas contact by phone between sessions (a few times initiating it ), but calls are brief and alwasy result in "That is something we can talk about in the office/in session" so I don't think I would even like it.

She is part of the problem at this point, so no contact is okay with me... at the moment anyway.

Thanks

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear about all this I know how hard it is to be away from T for extended periods of time.

If you truthfully don't want her to call you back, maybe all you need to do is really specify the logistics behind your decision. If you don't give her any reason to question you, then she won't have any motive to.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I know that all this logic is going to give way, and then what am I gonna do?

Well, is there any way that you can put together a little "T package?" Maybe come up with some ideas that you can think of right now - while you're in a more positive mind frame - and then when it comes the time that you need something to lean on, you can draw from whatever it is that you have put together for yourself? Sometimes even writing down little sayings that your T has, or things that she's said/done that have made you feel better. I'm not sure what kind of things you and your T do, but if you can gather some of these things, it might help you down the road.

Sending you lots of strength and courage for your call to T, and here's to hoping that you can figure things out financially so that you can see her sooner


Jacq

[WePow]

Blessings of the heart to you for what you must do.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

She is part of the problem at this point, so no contact is okay with me... at the moment anyway.

What do you mean, Echoes??

[deliquesce]

yes, echoes, i'm curious about what you mean re: the bit treehouse quoted.

our Ts do read things into our actions when we call in and cancel/put off sessions without explanation. i would suggest at least explaining why you feel the need to do so, so T does not wonder. pdoc has previously given me a few sessions for free (about 6 weeks) and Austin-T has also offered the same. pdoc doesn't actually charge me anymore because i don't have a job right now, even though i keep offering to give him at least something. he says he knows his financial situation more than i do, and that this is his decision.

in T-school we are encouraged to think about situations where clients cannot afford to continue with us any longer, and have our own ideas about how we can continue to work with them because it is a matter of ethics - not letting financial hardship be a barrier to change. different Ts have different ideas that they are comfortable with, but i am sure that a 4 week break is something you and your T can negotiate around. it may be the case that she can offer a 20 min phone session or something to keep things stable - not do groundbreaking work - but just make sure that you dont deteriorate or anything until you see each other next.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Echoes)))) This sounds so difficult. I agree that maybe it would be a good idea to contact t and allow her to decide if there is another way to handle it so you dont have to miss a month of therapy.

Is she part of the problem b/c you will want to see her and pay for therapy you cant afford if you talk to her?

I agree with Deli. Let t help you with this. 4 weeks is a really long time. I have had so SO much free therapy in my lifetime it is unbelievable. I think you have a wonderful t there and maybe you can tell her how you feel about missing that much therapy time.

[ECHOES]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

She has allowed me to come and then pay for that session by adding a bit to subsequent session payments, so she has worked with me.

We have talked about financial issues. I think we are both sick of the financial issues.

I also think that I have reached some point where I feel a need for pulling obstacles up to hide behind protectively and financial difficulties may be one of them. "I can't come as often, I can't deepen the relationship, I can't risk more intimate engagement, etc..." because I have these financial issues.

I avoid and I run and I often call it something else. It is a cycle and I didn't realize I was at that point of running until now. I have forgotten my commitment to myself, to my therapy: that when I feel like running is the time to stay put. Digging in my heels here. Maybe ankle weights are needed...

I also forgot what T said when we began: Trust the process.

I'm going back. I can feel like running, but not run. I can find words for the fear(s) poking me in the back, saying Get Out of Here--Run for Your Life!

I can do this.

((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))

That is such good self-awareness!

The "running" thing can be so strange...I can find any number of really good, and actually truthful reasons to not go to therapy...and it seems like for whatever reason i genuinely CAN'T go...and it's not until later that I can sometimes take a step back and see that there were other solutions for whatever my "reason" was, and that it was just an attempt to avoid intimacy, feelings, my Self, etc.

I'm glad you realized what was going on and you're going to see T

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

She has allowed me to come and then pay for that session by adding a bit to subsequent session payments, so she has worked with me.

We have talked about financial issues. I think we are both sick of the financial issues.

I also think that I have reached some point where I feel a need for pulling obstacles up to hide behind protectively and financial difficulties may be one of them. "I can't come as often, I can't deepen the relationship, I can't risk more intimate engagement, etc..." because I have these financial issues.

I avoid and I run and I often call it something else. It is a cycle and I didn't realize I was at that point of running until now. I have forgotten my commitment to myself, to my therapy: that when I feel like running is the time to stay put. Digging in my heels here. Maybe ankle weights are needed...

I also forgot what T said when we began: Trust the process.

I'm going back. I can feel like running, but not run. I can find words for the fear(s) poking me in the back, saying Get Out of Here--Run for Your Life!

I can do this.

Wow Echoes. I am so glad you and t have worked it out. And I agree, it is very insightful and honest of you to realize some of this isnt completely about money. It is about fear.

I guess it is OK to have the fear, but not to act on it, as you are doing. You have realized it, but you are not running. Im so glad you know you that you CAN do it!

((((Echoes)))))

[hangingon]

Wow Echos
I am really glad you talked with yuor therapist about the dilema. I am happy that she worked something out with you because I really do think it's harder to go back once you distanced yourself. Keep pushing through, you can do it!

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

She has allowed me to come and then pay for that session by adding a bit to subsequent session payments, so she has worked with me.

We have talked about financial issues. I think we are both sick of the financial issues.

I also think that I have reached some point where I feel a need for pulling obstacles up to hide behind protectively and financial difficulties may be one of them. "I can't come as often, I can't deepen the relationship, I can't risk more intimate engagement, etc..." because I have these financial issues.

I avoid and I run and I often call it something else. It is a cycle and I didn't realize I was at that point of running until now. I have forgotten my commitment to myself, to my therapy: that when I feel like running is the time to stay put. Digging in my heels here. Maybe ankle weights are needed...

I also forgot what T said when we began: Trust the process.

I'm going back. I can feel like running, but not run. I can find words for the fear(s) poking me in the back, saying Get Out of Here--Run for Your Life!

I can do this.

i was in this position with my first therapist and she certainly pegged me right! i hadnt realized that i wasnt connecting to her and wasnt getting anything out of therapy, i would just not feel like going. i would lie about car trouble, or actually have car trouble, or say i didnt feel in the mood for therapy, or avoid going there somehow. and one day she kinda read me the riot act about the fact that over the course of a year i had missed over 30% of my sessions! i had no idea....i had excuses, legitimate and otherwise. but one thing she said made me realize that i wasnt "in this" like i should be....she said, that other clients of hers would fight through anything to get to a session. when my car wasnt working, why didnt i take a cab? why didnt i take public transportation? why didnt i ask someone i know for a ride?

i think its awesome that you took a minute to realize what you needed and what you wanted. you rock!

[ECHOES]

Thank you treehouse. I feel fortunate that I was able to find my way to this spot. I hate it when I'm in the dark and don't realize that I'm the one who turned off the light!

Hangingon and Bluemoon, I haven't talked to T, I was just doing a lot of thinking. I will see her tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks.

Dr. Muffin, you were easing into it, but it's nice that your T helped you look at what was going on . I always go to my sessions but I don't always engage and I sometimes I just wish when I'm in there that I could snap my fingers and disappear like Richard Mulligan's character, Burt, on the old TV show Soap.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Thank you treehouse. I feel fortunate that I was able to find my way to this spot. I hate it when I'm in the dark and don't realize that I'm the one who turned off the light!

I like that analogy.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow

I have a feeling it will turn out well......