I am so not okay and I can't remember how to feel better.

I left a (STUPID) teary message for t. I can't remember if I *DO* know things I can to to help myself feel better and I can't remember what they are, or if I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel SO alone and SO stupid and SO ashamed and SO unworthy. SO dirty.

I hate that T knows the general outline of my whole story now. EVERYTHING. Everything. That overwhelms me. It might sound like a good thing, but it's not. It's a bad thing.

He says his feelings about me haven't changed, and maybe they consciously haven't, but there is no way that on some unconscious level he doesn't feel differently about me.

He probably won't even call back.

Sure, his our tdoc's feelings about us change all the time, just as ours do for them. That doesn't mean change is a bad thing though. Our tdoc's need to know our whole stories in order to be able to help us grow. It is NOT a bad thing.

I have a horrendous past. The only person who knows that whole mess is my tdoc. I am so relieved to know that someone else out there knows. It lightens my burden just a bit. Is what he knows about me awful? Yes. But that does not mean I am awful. So he knows awful things about me. That doesn't mean he thinks I am awful. In fact, he probably has even more respect for me just for surviving.

Give yourself a break. You are not thinking clearly.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am so not okay and I can't remember how to feel better.

I left a (STUPID) teary message for t. I can't remember if I *DO* know things I can to to help myself feel better and I can't remember what they are, or if I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel SO alone and SO stupid and SO ashamed and SO unworthy. SO dirty.

I hate that T knows the general outline of my whole story now. EVERYTHING. Everything. That overwhelms me. It might sound like a good thing, but it's not. It's a bad thing.

He says his feelings about me haven't changed, and maybe they consciously haven't, but there is no way that on some unconscious level he doesn't feel differently about me.

He probably won't even call back.

You are soooooo not alone! And not stupid and dirty! And most certainly not unworthy!!! I know how awful it feels.... ((((( HUGS )))))

[googley]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am so not okay and I can't remember how to feel better.

I left a (STUPID) teary message for t. I can't remember if I *DO* know things I can to to help myself feel better and I can't remember what they are, or if I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I feel SO alone and SO stupid and SO ashamed and SO unworthy. SO dirty.

I hate that T knows the general outline of my whole story now. EVERYTHING. Everything. That overwhelms me. It might sound like a good thing, but it's not. It's a bad thing.

He says his feelings about me haven't changed, and maybe they consciously haven't, but there is no way that on some unconscious level he doesn't feel differently about me.

He probably won't even call back.

(((((((((Treehouse))))))))

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I am sure your T will call back! He cares about you so much. Your thoughts seem to be spiraling to bad thoughts that he doesn't care and can't care. But that isn't true. He has been with you for so long, and cares so much. It can be scary to have someone care about us when we don't feel that we deserve it. Try to remember that right now is an especially hard time for you, and be gentle with yourself.

Do you have any activities you do to try and calm yourself? Do you listen to music or a book on tape, play with your kids, drink tea or coco, watch some tv, read a relaxing book, go for a run or other physical activity, write in a journal, call a friend, play a game, take a nap, go to a park, play with a pet, go on a bike ride or walk? Can you do any of these things while you wait for him to call back?

Teary messages to T are perfectly ok. I should know as I've left a couple of those myself. It lets him know how strongly you are feeling. He will call back. He is here to help you.

You said these things about yourself:
I feel SO alone and SO stupid and SO ashamed and SO unworthy. SO dirty.
Would you say these things about someone else? If your best friend had been through what you have been through, would you think these things? Would your oppinion of him/her change when you found out what he/she had been through? I believe in your caring that it would not. So please have faith that your T will be as caring as you are and his opinion will not change.

We here care about you so much. Please take care of yourself and know that we care about you too.

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Tree))))) T's feelings havent changed. You havent changed. And you are not responsible for what happened to you. I want to just say that again and again. It wasnt your fault, you didnt do anything wrong, even if you went along with what happened or even if you didnt, you are not to blame. I know that dirty and digusting feeling. How can anyone feel the same way about me knowing I have been through X Y and Z. T must feel I am an awful person and I so want him to love me. I need him to love me and not see me that way.

T loves you, he knows you. He cares so deeply for you and also is a skilled professional who has heard it all. From everything you have said about t, it is SO unlikely that on some unconscious level his feelings have changed. You are so honest with him, will you say that to him? Can you ask him about that?

((((((Tree)))) Dear Tree, Im hugging you

tree I am so sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. Please take care of yourself right now. I'm sure your T will call back, he does care about you very much, as do I!

((((((((((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))))))))))

tree, t loves you and so do we.

T called. It didn't really help but it was nice to hear his voice.

I think he wants me to try a cognitive thing, even if I don't believe it....when I feel like I am dirty and stupid and worthless, I think I am supposed to give those feelings BACK to the people who made me feel that way, because they are their feelings and they are not mine. I think I am supposed to write them down and burn them. He said that my feeling this bad is what will make us move forward.

Ugh.

[chaotic13]

Treehouse
The only thing I can say is your T can hear all those things and still care about you because...no matter what the noise in your head is saying a child who was SA IS NEVER responsible. No matter what was done or what you did, you were not able to provide consent.

((((Treehouse))) I know it is difficult but DON'T LISTEN to the noise!! Go on YTUBE find the Melissa Etherage song..."Message to Myself" and just blast it over and over until you are able to say the words, "I am love!" This is what I do now when my dirty, little ***** loop plays.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((treehouse))))))))))))

beads so sorry that u are hurteds so bad adn feelign so down. we wuodl like to share one of uor bears with yuo then yuo can hold him adn mabye that will at least help us feel safe.
Please know that we care so does a lot of other peopels hear.

Myself

chaotic

I went to youtube and watched the video. i could feel a little someone inside perk up at all of that painting on the wall. i wonder if my walls are going to be painted later??

thanks

thanks EVERYONE for the hugs. i know this is what i've been running from for all of these years - these feelings. they go SO DEEP. so, so deep. i didn't even know.

[deliquesce]

((((tree)))) T is there with you with those deep feelings. does it to have let someone in so much? not being able to rely on others is what made us put those feelings so buried inside of us afterall...

but T is there with you now, and he's going to help you swim back up to the top. i know that, and i know you know that too. but the battle is going to lie in letting yourself trust that... T loves you, and it hasn't changed how much he values you that he knows everything now.

pdoc told me once that my telling him "stuff" had an impact, and of course it did. but he said that in terms of who i am, that it only made his (already high) regard for me grow further. he has already predicted that i will continually test him (damnit, he knows me too well!!! ) - that i will keep bringing up more and more and more stuff to see if he finally says "ok, enough, you're filthy & xyz". he's said i can do that if i want to, but he wants me to know from the beginning that nothing, nothing will change in that direction.

i often wonder what i will do once i've told him everything. if, despite my best efforts to test him, make him see the truth etc, that he still doesn't budge. what then?

[rainbow8]

(((((tree))))),

I know it's very painful for you to face this hard stuff, but that's what therapy is for. I know, and so does everyone who is posting to you, that your T will never abandon you, and will always care about you no matter what you tell him.

In my therapy, it was not so much telling about my past, but the way I acted with my T. I couldn't help it, but I knew it was obsessive. I once asked her if she was going to hate me when therapy was over, and she answered "of course not." That was reassuring to me. Ts are like that. They are there to help us, no matter what our problems are, or what happened to us in the past or happens in the present.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

thanks EVERYONE for the hugs. i know this is what i've been running from for all of these years - these feelings. they go SO DEEP. so, so deep. i didn't even know.

When you give up the running and are through this, you are going to free up so much energy. You will be able to stop running! You won't be so weighed down by that and the exhaustion of keeping your feelings at bay. Please, stick with it. (((((treehouse)))))

[BlueMoon6]

thanks EVERYONE for the hugs. i know this is what i've been running from for all of these years - these feelings. they go SO DEEP. so, so deep. i didn't even know.

((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))) There is so much love around you. Getting to these very deep painful feelings is the result of all of your hard work and perseverence.

Sending healing and love vibes your way

[sw628]

(((TREE))
did you get to talk to T after session? Did it help at all?
HUGS***!!

[crystalrose]

tree honey! I'm so sad to hear about your bad thoughts in your mind about yourself. Your not dirty or wrong or anything else thats negative like . Thats what my mind says when i think about the SA. Not true about me, not true about you. I'm here 4 u! Your not alone when pc is aroune

[chaotic13]

Treehouse,

As I am slowly moving through this...process I am beginning to realize that what Sunrise mentioned about gaining energy to be true. I have not had a major, sudden release where I boom suddently see that I'm not at fault and not the things I think I am. But slowly my perspectives have changed, I'm not buying into the noise as often, and more of my energy is being diverted to create the "healing vortex" and less and less expended on fueling the trauma cycle.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

.......slowly my perspectives have changed, I'm not buying into the noise as often.....

this is beautiful, C-13.