[tryingtobeme]

I feel so alone in this world that is suppose to be so good. It's been 2 weeks since I saw or talked to my T. It will end up being 3 weeks since I am not going on Monday. I don't know if I should just stop. He will probably say since I made it 2 or 3 weeks then I can do it on my own.

I guess I feel like he has deserted me along with everyone else. I'm sure that's my fault since I've kicked everyone else out. I'm not sure what to do with all my emotions and feelings right now. I'm trying not to resort to bad behavories but it's so hard. I just want someone to understand me. No one does irl they think I am just someone who wants attention all the time.

Maybe that is all...I want attention. I wish someone would just come along and do something horrible to me, then maybe people will wish that they had paid attention to me when I am crying out for help.

I want to cry but it is so hard to even do that. I am just here, staring off into space...my head empty...my whole body just feels so heavy...I need to just make it all stop...make the world stop...

[Melbadaze]

I know those feelings. I know this sounds to much to do, or perhaps not enought to do, but have your tried journalling?? I know after a while the spinning in my head begins to slow down and a sense of being in touch with myself kicks in.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((( TTBM ))))))))))))))))))))))))

that's a long time. Do you have any means of contacting yr T? You might ask for an unscheduled session, or a phone call. It sounds like you are hurting a lot.
Please don't close yourself off to one who is skilled to help you.
go gently

((((((((((((((((trying)))))))))))))))))

You know, needing attention is not a bad thing. Everyone needs attention sometimes. Having someone pay attention is being noticed, being seen, being heard, being cared for. Those things are things we all need.

I know you know I am feeling alone too. I am trying to make myself reach out, at least a little. I don't want to tell anyone IRL about the CSA...but I have e-mailed a couple of friends and told them I am having a hard time right now, and they have e-mailed me back. A friend who needed to talk met me at my son's baseball game last night and I listened to her and helped her for a couple of hours. I've reached out on PC and people have heard me and helped me. Sometimes we have to ASK for what we need, but first we have to believe what we need is okay. What you need IS okay, trying. It IS.

Why haven't you seen T? Is he on vacation? Or did you just have a long time between appointments? Can you call him, or schedule an appointment? Even though you haven't seen him for a couple of weeks, he is still there.

to you. Try to be good to yourself.

trying

I have had those feelings - I've even put those feelings into fantasies of being hurt in order to get attention and not be alone. I thought this was a very strange thing to do, until T and I talked it out one day. And then I read in a book that another woman did this - she felt, like I did, that something horrible had to happen in order to deserve that attention and comfort.

I think journaling will help you, but you need to also not be alone right now - if you can't reach out to T, do something with people around you - go to a movie, go shopping, go to a library. Even if you're not talking to others, it may help to just be around other people. But most importantly, reach out to T if possible.

[tryingtobeme]

Melbadaze. thank you for your support, I do journal every day but it's not helping today.

[tryingtobeme]

[quote=treehouse

Why haven't you seen T? Is he on vacation? Or did you just have a long time between appointments? Can you call him, or schedule an appointment? Even though you haven't seen him for a couple of weeks, he is still there. [quote]

Thank tree. I guess I feel attention is very bad. My head is filled with "you don't need attention, buck up and accept the bad life". I know this is my family talking to me but it hits me to the core.

That is the problem, I don't believe my needs are relavent, but you already know how that song and dance is played in your head.

Well, I saw T on the 28th of sept. I usually call or see him 2 or 3 times a week. That week I forced myself to not call him or go for another appointment. I feel I am burden and have to do this on my own so as not to make him want to get rid of me. Then the next monday the 5th he was traveling for 3 days. then he was sick for 4 days. There's another week out. Now, the other day I couldn't go because of my son. So it's been two full weeks and I am not used to going more than 3 days without talking or seeing T. Talk about stress, worry, anxiety, fear, abandonment...it going on and on.

[tryingtobeme]

[quote=dreamseeker9

I've even put those feelings into fantasies of being hurt in order to get attention and not be alone.[/quote]

I have thought about calling with a fantasy of me being hurt or upset, just something to get him to see me or talk to me. I've just never done it yet. I don't want to disappointment him and I wouldn't be able to do it then not talk about it with him. I couldn't live with the guilt I would feel. Was your T upset you did this?

[tryingtobeme]

Update...Today is Wed, and I saw T yesterday. So I only had to go 2 full weeks and it is/was so hard and exhausting. I felt I just wanted my life to end. I've talked to T about me feeling this way. He of course, as he always doesn, understands my feelings and is not suprised in any way that I had such a hard time with this. We need to talk more about it but didn't have time to get through it all last night.

Today of course, I feel like I have so much to say, so many feelings still pent up and still need to talk and get my feelings out. I just want to start crying and pick up the phone and call him begging for him to see me. Should I??? I'm not sure. I'm still lost, alone, and feeling like my life is ending and there is nothing left. This is so hard...life is hard...

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Trying)))))) I am SO glad you saw t and were able to connect and know that he understands and cares. Since you didnt have enough time to go through it all last night, I think it is OK to call for another appt this week. We ALL have had those weeks where we need extra care.

I have also had those fantasies that I need to get hurt in order to deserve care. That I deserve attention for only the most dramatic kinds of pain. But did you notice that when you reached out to t, told him exactly how you feel and went to see him you got the attention, understanding and care that you needed without having to do anything dramatic or hurt yourself. Getting the attention you need is very possible. All you have to do is ask.

And Id like to echo what Tree said about getting attention not being a bad thing at all. I think it is when we act out and try to get attention that way that it makes other people uncomfortable. But when we ask for attention directly without acting out then we are more likely to get that need met. Hope that makes some sense.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I have thought about calling with a fantasy of me being hurt or upset, just something to get him to see me or talk to me. I've just never done it yet. I don't want to disappointment him and I wouldn't be able to do it then not talk about it with him. I couldn't live with the guilt I would feel. Was your T upset you did this?

What I meant was that in my fantasy, something bad happened to me that resulted in people caring for me and giving me attention - that was all part of my fantasy. I've had fantasies like that, on and off, for years.

I did tell T about this - I was so ashamed and worried about what T thought of me, but T said it makes me interesting and complex. I kinda eased into it during a session, and T handled it well!

[pachyderm]

That feeling of having to do something very dramatic in order to force someone to really pay attention is familiar to me also...