[mixedup_emotions]

It kinda went like this.....

ME: I'm upset with you about what you said to me as I walked out the door last week. and I want to know why you said that.

T: I wanted to shock you.

ME: It didn't help.

T: OK. You're looking for understanding?

ME: Yes.

T: At the time, my instinct was that you were leaving and weren't taking it very seriously or weren't intending to do anything different. I was concerned that something tragic could happen.

ME: It would've been a lot better for you to just tell me that than for you to make a comment like that to me.

T: I thought I tried, but it didn't seem like it was registering or that you were taking it seriously. I was trying - not to hurt your feelings - but....

ME: Well you did. And I was very unhappy with it. It was very upsetting. After a couple days of being upset about it - I said F it all. I was angry. I was not very happy with you.

T: I'm glad you could tell me.

ME: I didn't want to tell you.

T: Why not?

ME: I was too upset. I didn't think it was a comment that needed to be said or said in that way. And you being a professional, you could've chosen many different things to say - and I didn't appreciate that choice. I knew what I needed to do.....

(additional conversation ensued)

Then, after he seemed to digest my feedback....he said:

T: In all the years I've been doing this, I've never worked with a woman who has been killed or even injured after leaving their spouse, even though the statics say that's when the risk is greatest. But you worry me that you could be the first. It just takes one time. So, I do feel bad that I was mean with what I said to you, but I'm feeling a little bit desperate of late with you around this because it's just so dire.

That was much more impactful for me than the comment he made. I think he understands now how I prefer to be spoken to.

Whew. That was hard. But successful!

[jexa]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

That was much more impactful for me than the comment he made. I think he understands now how I prefer to be spoken to.

Whew. That was hard. But successful!

Oh my God I'm so proud of you MUE!!! It is so hard to be honest about feelings like that and you stepped up to the plate!! And you were honest and reasonable and you got what you needed out of T!

[darkrunner]

Impressive! That really took a lot of guts.
I wish I could do that.....
Great job, Mixed Up!!!

[Luce]

Awesome work, MUE. You were so brave and ASSERTIVE!

[gravyyy]

That's fantastic!! I admire you!! That took a lot of courage and hopefully will make it easier the next time you need to confront someone. I'm inspired!

[deliquesce]

((((((mixedup)))))))

no doubting yourself ever again!!!
i'm so proud and pleased on your behalf. good work, darling!!!!!

re: the actual reason T said what he did. i love you and i want what is best for you (and your beautiful daughter). if T really is that scared about your safety, then... i'm not as scared as he is, because i also trust your judgement, but i am very concerned. if you want to talk about things, then i am willing to listen and support you as much as i can. you don't just have T, and your friends, who want the best for you - you've also got the biggest cheer squad of PC-ers here who want to support you also. please remember that, and make use of us, even if it is just to give updates and ask for hugs. i dont want to control what you do, just be there (in my limited online kind of way) with whatever steps you choose to take.

.

[pachyderm]

Yeah. Like everyone says. Most impressive, mixed. Just Grreeeaaaattt !

Doing something like that, at least for me, I feel that my head is going to be bitten off. Then to go ahead and do it in spite of that feeling, to take that chance, to think, oh well, just another head!

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I think he understands now how I prefer to be spoken to.

MUE, this is a big deal, that you could establish this. Therapy is a really good place to develop skills like this, so even though it was hurtful experience for you, I'm glad you got a chance to practice successfully.

It sounds like T is really concerned about your safety, and I hope you take his worries to heart. Your safety means a lot to all who know and care about you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

((((((mixedup)))))))
if you want to talk about things, then i am willing to listen and support you as much as i can. you don't just have T, and your friends, who want the best for you - you've also got the biggest cheer squad of PC-ers here who want to support you also. please remember that, and make use of us, even if it is just to give updates and ask for hugs. i dont want to control what you do, just be there (in my limited online kind of way) with whatever steps you choose to take.

.

Thank you soooo much.

It has been a rough road, and I am very afraid because we are at a critical point. I am limiting contact with my husband which makes him frantic...and he is unstable and unpredictable. I am so glad to have my PC friends to lean on for support....You are all great and so precious to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by skeksi

MUE, this is a big deal, that you could establish this. Therapy is a really good place to develop skills like this, so even though it was hurtful experience for you, I'm glad you got a chance to practice successfully.

It sounds like T is really concerned about your safety, and I hope you take his worries to heart. Your safety means a lot to all who know and care about you.

Thanks. It was a very stressful thing to do, but I am glad I got through it and handled it as well as I did. I'm actually kinda surprised that I didn't end up a blubbering mess over it.

About my safety, indeed, I am taking his worries to heart. I took another big step tonight - I called a locksmith and had them come out immediately to change all the locks in my house. And I am being diligent in limiting contact with my husband - which has the potential to set him off....but the minute I get any kind of valid threat from him - which I wouldn't be surprised to get - I will be calling the police. I need to stay strong. Thanks for being there for me - all of you....

[BlueMoon6]

MUE- Wowie! I am VERY impressed. When I read something like that, in the way you posted it, it enables me to have a conversation like that. That was a very difficult thing to say....but you were very direct and honest. You give me courage.

He is worried about you. He cares deeply. Be safe, MUE

[sunrise]

You did great! Hard talk. T responded well. Win-win. I'm inspired!

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

That was much more impactful for me than the comment he made. I think he understands now how I prefer to be spoken to.

I hope your T considers that perhaps no one prefers to be spoken to the way he did to you before. The approach you have let him know works for you (direct, respectful) would probably work for many other clients too.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

MUE- Wowie! I am VERY impressed. When I read something like that, in the way you posted it, it enables me to have a conversation like that. That was a very difficult thing to say....but you were very direct and honest. You give me courage.

He is worried about you. He cares deeply. Be safe, MUE

Wow, I didn't realize that my conversation with T would make an impact! I'm so glad it served more than my own purpose!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

You did great! Hard talk. T responded well. Win-win. I'm inspired!I hope your T considers that perhaps no one prefers to be spoken to the way he did to you before. The approach you have let him know works for you (direct, respectful) would probably work for many other clients too.

Good point! Not only am I relieved, I am feeling quite good about how things transpired. I hope it helps him as much as it helped me...and that it helps my PC friends too!

[fallenangel337]

I am SO proud of you! That took a LOT of strength and courage to do, and I'm so glad you were able to talk it out with your T, and get an answer!

MUE

Amazing work, truly!!!

I'm also glad you had the locks changed, and that you're taking care of yourself.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It kinda went like this.....

ME: I'm upset with you about what you said to me as I walked out the door last week. and I want to know why you said that.

T: I wanted to shock you.

ME: It didn't help.

T: OK. You're looking for understanding?

ME: Yes.

T: At the time, my instinct was that you were leaving and weren't taking it very seriously or weren't intending to do anything different. I was concerned that something tragic could happen.

ME: It would've been a lot better for you to just tell me that than for you to make a comment like that to me.

T: I thought I tried, but it didn't seem like it was registering or that you were taking it seriously. I was trying - not to hurt your feelings - but....

ME: Well you did. And I was very unhappy with it. It was very upsetting. After a couple days of being upset about it - I said F it all. I was angry. I was not very happy with you.

T: I'm glad you could tell me.

ME: I didn't want to tell you.

T: Why not?

ME: I was too upset. I didn't think it was a comment that needed to be said or said in that way. And you being a professional, you could've chosen many different things to say - and I didn't appreciate that choice. I knew what I needed to do.....

(additional conversation ensued)

Then, after he seemed to digest my feedback....he said:

T: In all the years I've been doing this, I've never worked with a woman who has been killed or even injured after leaving their spouse, even though the statics say that's when the risk is greatest. But you worry me that you could be the first. It just takes one time. So, I do feel bad that I was mean with what I said to you, but I'm feeling a little bit desperate of late with you around this because it's just so dire.

That was much more impactful for me than the comment he made. I think he understands now how I prefer to be spoken to.

Whew. That was hard. But successful!

seriously, thats what i looked like reading your post! lol...im so happy for you! it must have felt so good to get your feelings across, be understood and then have someone modify their approach. i hope you feel really great about yourself, because you rock!

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I called a locksmith and had them come out immediately to change all the locks in my house.

I am so proud of you! This is a really important step in protecting yourself, just in case.

[Sannah]

Very good MUE!!!!

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Doing something like that, at least for me, I feel that my head is going to be bitten off. Then to go ahead and do it in spite of that feeling, to take that chance, to think, oh well, just another head!

Exactly! I have done things crying, shaking and with the blood drained out of my face but that is how you move forward!