[jexa]

I felt all shut down in therapy yesterday. We talked about the email I sent her. We talked about how we're not moving fast enough, and I'm glad she got that message from my email because that's exactly how I feel -- I've been seeing her for a couple months now, and nothing has changed, which isn't supposed to be the case in a behavior-focused therapy, normally.

But I know the reason is that I have so many things going on. And she confirmed it yesterday. I don't just have OCD. She basically said, if I had just one problem we'd be moving faster. She said it more tactfully than that, but she's absolutely right. I'm also depressed, and also pretty socially anxious, and I also contend with generalized anxiety which makes me sick sometimes. I recently broke up with my boyfriend (I'd been with him 2 1/2 years), things with my family are really crazy, and I have a history of CSA. What a mess.

I feel so hopeless, looking at all of that and all of what's going on with me. That's how I felt in therapy, too, and I could barely speak. I totally felt shut down. I felt disconnected from T. I feel worse about myself than ever. We spent the session prioritizing, and I'm going to try to work on just physical self-care this week, and some mindfulness exercises, and we'll work on exposures soon enough.

I just want to cry. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I'm lonely, and my issues are this huge mountain, and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better.

Sorry for rambling.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, I am so totally where you are. Looking at the whole picture can be so overwhelming....which is why it is important to take small steps and try hard to focus on those small steps. Easier said than done, I know.

It's soooo incredibly hard.

[continuisimprove]

I've been doing a lot of work recently trying to develop the ability to look at a huge problem or a lot of problems without freaking out or letting it get me depressed. I know that it is important to be able to see my current situation as accurately as possible so that I can make better decisions about how to cope with it. This fits with the mindfulness approach you talked about. What I am realizing is that depression is not the same AS my situation. Depression is a reaction to my perceptions of my situation. Depression is a coping method my mind uses to deal with a big pile of problems. In this way I can detach the depression from the problems. Just because I see a bunch of problems does not mean that I HAVE to now become depressed. Mindfulness exercises teach this skill to be able to look at problems in awareness without immediately reacting to them. The reaction is usually some automatic knee jerk reaction of a coping strategy that is not helping.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by jexa

I felt all shut down in therapy yesterday. We talked about the email I sent her. We talked about how we're not moving fast enough, and I'm glad she got that message from my email because that's exactly how I feel -- I've been seeing her for a couple months now, and nothing has changed, which isn't supposed to be the case in a behavior-focused therapy, normally.

But I know the reason is that I have so many things going on. And she confirmed it yesterday. I don't just have OCD. She basically said, if I had just one problem we'd be moving faster. She said it more tactfully than that, but she's absolutely right. I'm also depressed, and also pretty socially anxious, and I also contend with generalized anxiety which makes me sick sometimes. I recently broke up with my boyfriend (I'd been with him 2 1/2 years), things with my family are really crazy, and I have a history of CSA. What a mess.

I feel so hopeless, looking at all of that and all of what's going on with me. That's how I felt in therapy, too, and I could barely speak. I totally felt shut down. I felt disconnected from T. I feel worse about myself than ever. We spent the session prioritizing, and I'm going to try to work on just physical self-care this week, and some mindfulness exercises, and we'll work on exposures soon enough.

I just want to cry. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere. I'm lonely, and my issues are this huge mountain, and I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better.

Sorry for rambling.

the key to climbing any mountain is taking it one step at a time....i know you feel overwhelmed (and i too have been there...right now im in avoidance mode so i can push through and finish my degree, but i am definitely in need of therapy!) and a lot of the time when it feels like so much, i get a feeling like why even bother! but you know, doing one thing at a time and really focusing on that is an excellent strategy. the most important thing for you is self-care...without that, then you have nothing to give to the other work that must be done. its a good place to start and a good thing to really work at keeping on top of (and i should take my own advice! i havent been grocery shopping in weeks...)

*hugs*

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Jexa))))) I totally understand where you are. The difficulties seem like a huge mountain. I like what ADM had to say- that it is one step at a time. Im glad you are starting with self-care. I also feel overwhelmed and frustrated that this process takes such a dern long time. In another thread somewhere I think it was Echoes said that the process is like a tree and the branches of a tree- some branching off this way and that...some smaller and some larger and core (tree trunk) issues. I liked that analogy. It gives me a sense of purpose to this whole mess. That every little thing is a part of a larger whole.

Youre not alone....

[jexa]

Thanks everyone for the support. PC is a wonderful place. I am going to try to see this thing in babysteps. I'll just have to do my best not to get so overwhelmed I just want to throw in the towel. I know this will get better. I haven't always felt this awful. It's just hard to believe right now. *sigh*

This might be TMI but last night I had to go to the ER because of an infection (very, very painful) and dangerously high fever (with awful chills).. Talk about physical self-care! I should have taken care of this earlier, but I have been so scatterbrained (and scared of doctors) that I hadn't done anything about it until the chills scared me so badly last night. BUT. I am proud of myself for making it there because I am scared of hospitals and needles -- I had to have blood drawn and an IV and I used mindfulness so I didn't have a panic attack. It worked. I'll have to thank my T.

Taking care of my health right now will be good practice in physical self-care - taking my antibiotics, etc. I'm also going to do laundry today -- all of it, not just the work clothes I need to show up presentable. Wish me luck in my efforts at taking better care of myself!