Today's session: attachment, hugs, and the relationship!

Oct 14, 2009, 07:59 PM

Wow, what a session! T and I talked about our relationship for the entire session, and it was so worth it!

I told T that I feel like it's unfair that I'm putting her in that role of the comforter when she can't meet my expectations. T said that therapy is designed in part for transference and projection to occur, so it's important for me to tell T when I'm feeling something like this. I told T that I don't want her to think I'm the 'difficult' patient - we discussed what that would look like, and how T might react if I challenged her, and then T asked how would I challenge her - I said by maybe pushing a boundary by asking if she gives hugs.

T asked how I feel about hugs overall, I said I'm a big hugger.

I told T how I would have really liked a hug after my EMDR, and how sometimes it gets very lonely to live alone and not have that physical comfort, but that I feel once again like I'm being unfair by putting that expectation onto T. But T said that she would've been more than happy to give me a hug after EMDR!

We discussed more on hugs - I said i wanted to respect her boundaries, and T said she'd bring it up if she felt I asked for or did something inappropriate. But T gives out hugs!

I brought up attachment - how this relationship seems like it requires attachment. T asked for more - I asked if this relationship is supposed to teach me how to securely attach and then unattach. T said no, that attachment may happen, but that the relationship is not based on attachment. T said I don't even need to think about these issues, unless they're bothering me and I want to bring them up with her - that these are more therapy mechanisms, and I should focus on my feelings and being as unreasonable as possible to access my feelings.

T said that during my session on Monday, she felt like she was letting me down!

So that led to another discussion, and I said how I'd been pulling back ever since she made that comment, so we discussed more why she made that comment. T said what she neglected to follow through and tell me was that when she does let me down, we'll work together to resolve it, and we'll come out feeling better from it.

I told T that I needed to hear that, because my experience with people letting me down was not that I end up feeling better and repairing the relationship!

T even told me that I can ask her questions about herself!

I didn't, but I like knowing that I can!

So I feel like we're in a really good place now, and I'm so excited to continue therapy with T. T told me that we're in an important place right now in therapy - that it's exciting, intense and scary (yes to all!). And T said she is holding the preciousness of my therapy for me - she cupped her hands when she said this. And then T said that she wants to be there for me through this.

So forgive me if I do idealize T a bit for the moment... and yes, we did talk some about idealization. I just feel so fortunate to have found my T - I've been with T for 6 months now, wow! And this was one of our best sessions yet - go figure!

Sannah · Oct 14, 2009, 08:48 PM

This is such excellent news DS!!!! Well done!!!!

velcro003 · Oct 14, 2009, 08:52 PM

That is INCREDIBLE and BRAVE of you!

fallenangel337 · Oct 14, 2009, 09:16 PM

It sounds like you really had a great session! It's really nice just to be able to focus on your relationship with T, and to be able to be validated in what you're feeling and going through.

And yay about the hugs!

You're doing better than me...I've been with my T for about a year and a half, and I've yet to even come close to bringing it up.

I'm so glad you had such a great session!

Oct 14, 2009, 11:07 PM

Dreamseeker,

I think I want to see your T too!

You have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOO brave and I agree with your T, your therapy right now is in such an important place. I am totally thrilled for you.

sittingatwatersedge · Oct 15, 2009, 05:54 AM

Dreamseeker, what a wonderful session you had!!! I'm so happy for you!

One question though if it is OK with you? - see red font below - can you explain this a little? thanks!

SAWE

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

[....] the relationship is not based on attachment. T said I don't even need to think about these issues, unless they're bothering me and I want to bring them up with her - that these are more therapy mechanisms, and I should focus on my feelings and being as unreasonable as possible to access my feelings.

darkrunner · Oct 15, 2009, 07:18 AM

Awesome!

Quote:

And T said she is holding the preciousness of my therapy for me - she cupped her hands when she said this. And then T said that she wants to be there for me through this.

Reading this part gave me chills. I think it's so wonderful that she feels this way - it sounds like she really respects you and the difficult process you're undergoing. Wow.

Thank you for sharing this Dreamseeker. This forum is great for discussing problems with T and asking for/giving support, but it is so great to hear about positive T experiences too.

Oct 15, 2009, 07:58 AM

Thanks for the kind words, everyone - I'm feeling really good today!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Dreamseeker, what a wonderful session you had!!! I'm so happy for you!

One question though if it is OK with you? - see red font below - can you explain this a little? thanks!
SAWE

I should focus on my feelings and being as unreasonable as possible to access my feelings.

SAWE, I once asked T how to access my inner child - T and I had been discussing why I was holding back in session. T said when I speak in session, it's my adult self speaking, but many of my emotions are connected to my child self. So T said to connect more to those feelings, I should be unreasonable.

That's the look I gave T!

So T gave me an example - she said that if she's running late for a session, maybe she ran over with another patient, that if I'm irritated or upset that I'm starting late, I shouldn't just come in and tell T that it's fine, it's okay - I should express those feelings of being upset, almost throw a tantrum if that's what I'm feeling, like, "It's not fair to keep me waiting, I'm important! I deserve to get to start on time!"

Admittedly, it's hard for me to be unreasonable, and I told T yesterday that being unreasonable makes me think that I'm being challenging, which I consider a bad thing. But after we discussed it more, I realized that T can handle and even welcomes the challenges!

So my goals are to be as open as I can be, and to really concentrate on being in the moment and recognizing those 'unreasonable' feelings, and bring them up to T when I have those feelings. So I'm excited for Monday's session, to try all this out, even though I have no idea what I'm going to discuss with T!

velcro003 · Oct 15, 2009, 08:44 AM

Oh, dream this STILL makes me all smiley and gooey inside! I keep re-reading it and it just makes me happy that you could have that sort of session with your T. I hope one day I can have such a rewarding session with mine.

Oct 15, 2009, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

Oh, dream this STILL makes me all smiley and gooey inside! I keep re-reading it and it just makes me happy that you could have that sort of session with your T. I hope one day I can have such a rewarding session with mine.

velcro

I'm learning that I have to push myself to talk about the difficult stuff. Sometimes, talking about it is every bit as hard as I thought it would be. And other times, like last night, this wonderful thing happens where all the pieces fall into place, and I feel stronger for facing my fears head-on. I am SO GLAD that I brought all of this up with T, truly! I highly recommend it!

BlueMoon6 · Oct 15, 2009, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

Wow, what a session! T and I talked about our relationship for the entire session, and it was so worth it!

Wow wow wow!

Quote:

I told T that I feel like it's unfair that I'm putting her in that role of the comforter when she can't meet my expectations. T said that therapy is designed in part for transference and projection to occur, so it's important for me to tell T when I'm feeling something like this. I told T that I don't want her to think I'm the 'difficult' patient - we discussed what that would look like, and how T might react if I challenged her, and then T asked how would I challenge her - I said by maybe pushing a boundary by asking if she gives hugs. T asked how I feel about hugs overall, I said I'm a big hugger. I told T how I would have really liked a hug after my EMDR, and how sometimes it gets very lonely to live alone and not have that physical comfort, but that I feel once again like I'm being unfair by putting that expectation onto T. But T said that she would've been more than happy to give me a hug after EMDR! We discussed more on hugs - I said i wanted to respect her boundaries, and T said she'd bring it up if she felt I asked for or did something inappropriate. But T gives out hugs!

You are amazing! AMAZING! And brave. I am learnig so much from you. I am printing out this thread and I want to read it slowly between now and my session on monday.

I want to say something about what you wrote (below). Ftt started my session at 10:10 last monday. My appt is for 10. SHe has told me her 10 is the first appt of the day since she gpes late in the evening. Her door was closed and I assumed she had someone in there but I didnt know for sure. At 10 other patients in the waiting room went into their ts. I was left alone in the waiting room. I was starting to panic. It certainly wouldnt be the first time a t has left me to sit or cancelled. I didnt know what to do. At 10 after the door opened. She said, "Sorry for keeping you." And I went in. We started and the session went until 11:10. I was relieved we went over, too. But I never said anything. The important thing is it NEVER occurred to me to say anything. I immediately thought I was OK even though a minute before I was in a panic. Once I felt better that the door had opened, my feelings of panic that Id be abandoned...again....were stuffed. And I'll probably panic again if I am left waiting. After reading what you wrote, I am going to TRY to say something this monday.

Quote:

I brought up attachment - how this relationship seems like it requires attachment. T asked for more - I asked if this relationship is supposed to teach me how to securely attach and then unattach. T said no, that attachment may happen, but that the relationship is not based on attachment. T said I don't even need to think about these issues, unless they're bothering me and I want to bring them up with her - that these are more therapy mechanisms, and I should focus on my feelings and being as unreasonable as possible to access my feelings.

I am SO glad you are blazing this trail for me

I want to say these same things to ftt on monday. It seems like possibly since we both are relatively new with our t's it is a conversation that is good to have. BUT, you have been with your t for 6 mos and have done EMDR with her and she knows you better than ftt knows me. Maybe i am jumping the gun? MAybe I am trying too hard, trying to develop the relationship too soon. On the other hand, I want to know these things, I WANT to have this conversation. Especially about attachment and hugs and my relationship with her. I what she thinks about it and what I expect and why. I have to have this conversation because these issues got in the way with desk-t and these are things that never were discussed. They SHOULD have been discussed! If they were I might have left sooner or the relationship might have been better. Who she is would certainly have been clearer to me.

Quote:

T said that during my session on Monday, she felt like she was letting me down! So that led to another discussion, and I said how I'd been pulling back ever since she made that comment, so we discussed more why she made that comment. T said what she neglected to follow through and tell me was that when she does let me down, we'll work together to resolve it, and we'll come out feeling better from it. I told T that I needed to hear that, because my experience with people letting me down was not that I end up feeling better and repairing the relationship!

I am so glad you now have that clarity with her. What a relief. I guess that is what real intimacy is- being honest and working together. I also have the experience with people that when I am let down and/or try to repair the relationship, I dont end up feeling better. As a matter of fact, I often feel worse. I am not very good at repairing. Your t is a good "teacher."

I hope ftt is too. Maybe seeing me 10 minutes late is something to be repaired? I SO SO dont want to be a "bad" patient and be seen as overly sensitive, a trouble-maker, someone she has to tip-toe around. UGH! But if you can say what you did, so can I

Quote:

T even told me that I can ask her questions about herself!

I didn't, but I like knowing that I can!

Whoa! I also like that you can!
I think I can ask questions to ftt. But I dont dare. I think I need therapy to get over dt. I once said to dt that I dont want to ask her any "bad-boundry" questions, but I wanted to ask her questions. And she said, "Good, you should know your boundries and not ask personal questions." That was it for me. I never asked anything after that. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells with her. So many things overstepped her boundries.

Quote:

So I feel like we're in a really good place now, and I'm so excited to continue therapy with T. T told me that we're in an important place right now in therapy - that it's exciting, intense and scary (yes to all!). And T said she is holding the preciousness of my therapy for me - she cupped her hands when she said this. And then T said that she wants to be there for me through this.

So forgive me if I do idealize T a bit for the moment... and yes, we did talk some about idealization. I just feel so fortunate to have found my T - I've been with T for 6 months now, wow! And this was one of our best sessions yet - go figure!

Deep breath...I am so incredibly happy for you, Dream. So happy.

billieJ · Oct 15, 2009, 11:19 AM

Congratulations on doing a hard thing. You don't like to ask of others, huh. I see what T means: be as unreasonable, as much the child, as it is possible for you to be, to get in touch with child self.

==>

. billieJ

Oct 15, 2009, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billieJ

Congratulations on doing a hard thing. You don't like to ask of others, huh. I see what T means: be as unreasonable, as much the child, as it is possible for you to be, to get in touch with child self.

==>

. billieJ

billieJ, I love those emoticons!

Yes, I suppose T is encouraging me to act like a child again. Even as a child, I was taught to act more like an adult, so it's difficult! But I'll try my best to do it.

Sannah · Oct 15, 2009, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

I feel stronger for facing my fears head-on.

This is an excellent statement!!!! Avoiding your fears makes you feel small and powerless. Facing your fears makes them shrink down to their proper size and you do feel stronger! (Note: Facing fears with PTSD and triggers is trickier and not really the same ballgame........)

Oct 15, 2009, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

You are amazing! AMAZING! And brave. I am learnig so much from you.
Awww - thank you, Blue!

After reading what you wrote, I am going to TRY to say something this monday.
That's very brave of you, Blue! And it's great that you can realize how you were feeling, and that you stuffed it down when she called you in late. I'm glad your T apologized and kept you over the 10 minutes!

you have been with your t for 6 mos and have done EMDR with her and she knows you better than ftt knows me. Maybe i am jumping the gun? MAybe I am trying too hard, trying to develop the relationship too soon. On the other hand, I want to know these things, I WANT to have this conversation. Especially about attachment and hugs and my relationship with her. I what she thinks about it and what I expect and why.
T said to me last night that I shouldn't have to guess on these things, that I should be able to ask her where she stands on these issues. So I think if it's important to you, and you want to know, then ask. Just be prepared for your T to ask you WHY you want to know.

I am so glad you now have that clarity with her. What a relief. I guess that is what real intimacy is- being honest and working together. It is such a relief! I feel like I can really move forward now! And yes, it did feel like a very intimate conversation, especially when T really was the first to delve into the topic by telling me how she wants to be here for me, and how she knows we're at an important place right now, and even how she was protecting herself some by making that comment about how she would eventually let me down - it really made me see the human side of T, and it also made me feel like T really does care about me.

Good luck, Blue! Take it at your own pace, but I don't see the harm in asking T some of these questions early on. In fact, I wonder how my experience would be different if I had asked T these questions only a few sessions in! But I actually don't regret not asking sooner. I have trusted this process so far, and it continues to lead me down what I think is the right path for me. It seems that my insights, questions, answers, and T's insights come out when the time is right - and that is an amazing and beautiful thing that I don't quite understand, but I love that it's working!

BlueMoon6 · Oct 15, 2009, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Good luck, Blue! Take it at your own pace, but I don't see the harm in asking T some of these questions early on. In fact, I wonder how my experience would be different if I had asked T these questions only a few sessions in! But I actually don't regret not asking sooner. I have trusted this process so far, and it continues to lead me down what I think is the right path for me. It seems that my insights, questions, answers, and T's insights come out when the time is right - and that is an amazing and beautiful thing that I don't quite understand, but I love that it's working!

You know what I realized when I was reading this, that possibly intimacy doesnt reallyhave to do with time. It is really only that in time do you get to know someone well. But if I do ask the questions that are on my mind then I may feel closer to ftt sooner rather than later. I think the relationship willl take time in that we will go through things together, bit I might know where I stand and be in a better place with her as time goes on if I ask. I will have to study this thread (print it out...didnt do that yet) and think of what I want to ask/say

Quote:

Just be prepared for your T to ask you WHY you want to know.

Uh.....ummmm......hmmmm.....I have to think about that. I want to know so I am not wondering.
I NEED to know about boundries and hugs. She seems huggy, ftt.
I also want to know how she sees the process of attachment in therapy. I have an attachment problem and I can go back and forth on that one. It wasnt easy for me to read the attachment threads here- I dont think I even posted. It is confusing to me when I think of what my attachment was or wasnt to either of my parents and why. I dont even WANT to think about it. Therapy feels like such hard work. I wish I could be happy just taking my lexipro and smiling a lot.

Sannah · Oct 16, 2009, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

possibly intimacy doesnt reallyhave to do with time. It is really only that in time do you get to know someone well. But if I do ask the questions that are on my mind then I may feel closer to ftt sooner rather than later. I think the relationship willl take time in that we will go through things together, bit I might know where I stand and be in a better place with her as time goes on if I ask.

When we haven't worked through everything yet, we do hate uncertainty. After I healed my many issues this was something that changed for me. I don't think about uncertainty anymore. I most of the time don't even think about the future. It can wait now. Previously, I wanted to know everything that was coming yesterday......