[jexa]

I just wanted to say, for the first time I think I'm getting somewhere in therapy. Friday night I saw her and we talked about values and the importance of the environment we build for ourselves, like the homes we create for ourselves and the way we express ourselves through them. And I talked about what I want in an apartment of my own.

Funny how this works. I feel more myself than I have in a while, just from talking about what I want. I feel like I just woke up. There was a time when I worked hard to try to create a sense of self, but somewhere along the line I lost that thread. Talking about what I want reminded me that I did work really hard to piece together the fragments of myself -- that I have a starting point, that I do know, to some extent, the "self" I want to portray to others.

Thanks, T.

[Tapestry]

Sounds like one of those great sessions when you can "see for miles and miles" and you remember what it was that you wanted from T in the first place. I love when those happen.

SometimeI would like to hear more about ways you've found to work with the fragmentation... that is one of the things I struggle with most...

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Tapestry

Sounds like one of those great sessions when you can "see for miles and miles" and you remember what it was that you wanted from T in the first place. I love when those happen.

SometimeI would like to hear more about ways you've found to work with the fragmentation... that is one of the things I struggle with most...

Well. I am not done with that journey. I guess the biggest challenge is I keep feeling like the "self" I am choosing is not "genuine." I want one thing, then I want another thing. I believe one thing, then I believe the opposite and forget completely what I really think. That's so frustrating, and that's still happening. My childhood is a blur. I don't remember many, many things. So, to some extent I will probably always be somewhat fragmented.

I'm better than I was before because I know some of the things I enjoy. It takes experimenting, trial and error. I used to be unaware of my style at all -- what clothes I'd like to wear, what my dream house would look like. I didn't see myself as someone who could possibly have personal style. Everything I did was wrong. Everything.

There's a Regina Spektor song called "On the Radio" -- it has some lyrics that helped me: "This is how it works/You peer inside yourself/You take the things you like/and try to love the things you took."

Actually Regina Spektor in general helped me. Actually listening to lots and lots of music in general really, really helps.

So, I experimented with clothes -- noticed the things I like to wear the most, gave away the things I didn't like. Now I like most of my clothes, which tells me that they represent me well. I look at them as a whole, and think, "Okay, that's my style." Which is, a sort of "wholesome," earthy style that is pretty feminine but always pulled together. That's the "me" that my clothing choices portray. And if you look at the self you're portraying through your clothes, that gives you a clue.

And I know the kind of apartment that would make me happy because I've looked at all these interior design books. In a way that browsing is like experimenting. "What do I like?" And I saw designs that were cold and hard and modern, and thought, "Not me." And I've seen friends' houses that were crowded with stuff and really busy and I thought, "Not me." And I've seen some houses I like. And I learned the colors I like. And now I know something about myself -- that I like nature-themed, warm interiors. I like yellows and oranges and browns. That's me.

So learning those things has helped me feel a bit more "solid," less fragmented. I'm still working on it, definitely. I think mindfulness skills are going to be the most important of all in this journey. I need to wake up, become aware of myself, my body, my surroundings. As I learn that skill, I will learn more about myself. I will become more whole.

Originally Posted by Tapestry

SometimeI would like to hear more about ways you've found to work with the fragmentation... that is one of the things I struggle with most...

One of the things that T did that helped me was point out some "threads" about me that are consistent through all of my parts, and through all parts of my life, and that have been consistent since I was a child. Things like...I am not into shopping or material things, I love to play music and play lots of instruments, I like to play, I like to read, being with other people makes me happy (maybe not true with my teen part though)...when he started to point out all of those common threads, I realized I have more of a "self" than I thought I did.