[jexa]

In my last session, my T self-disclosed a lot to me, about her own difficulties. She told me about how nervous and awkward she gets in social situations -- that she blushes so badly she gets all covered in red blotches and everyone notices and comments on it. Poor T. And she told me that when she started grad school she wanted to be a researcher, that she didn't think she wanted to be a full-time T. I saw her get embarrassed when she told me that research was really hard for her (I'm in a research position and it's not hard for me at all to work on independent projects) -- she was like, "Yeah, my experience with research wasn't like yours. And I went to a research-oriented school. Being in private practice isn't exactly what thrills the alumni association." And then she started to justify her career choices, like she needed to explain herself to me! And then she got embarrassed again and said, "Oh, I'm talking too much."

My perfect idea of my T is shattered! She's totally human now -- she's socially anxious and lets herself down and has negative self-talk just like the rest of us. I had seen her as a mom figure. Now she's like an equal! I feel like less of a freak for being so socially awkward. I feel more hopeful for my future as a psychologist -- T is just like me! I like her even more now, and feel closer to her than ever . I have a feeling this is going to be good for my therapy.. but I'm not sure.

Has anyone had this experience, where T's humanity just came out front and center? How did that change your relationship with your T? Did it improve it, or did it take something away?

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Jexa

Has anyone had this experience, where T's humanity just came out front and center? How did that change your relationship with your T? Did it improve it, or did it take something away?

Well, this whole issues seems to be front and center for me now It has been hard to see desk-t as being as human as I am. I was invested in indealizing her. I had a huge investment in that. It is getting shattered and I am sad. For all of the reasons I am posting all over the place about She was a lot of things to mewhen I saw her, but imperfect with such terrible flaws wasnt one of them.

Although I left her, it changed the way I see a closure session. Or wanting one with her. For now. I imagine, if she continued to be my t, it would have improved our relationship. That would be if her flaws didnt include being a distant, insensitive t. Hard to describe why, since it didnt happen that way, but I imagine there might have been more openness and more honest communication. I could have learned a lot. Maybe she would have, too. Just speculating here.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jexa

Has anyone had this experience, where T's humanity just came out front and center? How did that change your relationship with your T? Did it improve it, or did it take something away?

Yes. It happened after about 4 months in therapy. T occasionally spoke of this special someone in his life--he was not very revealing and I didn't pry, but I knew he was in a committed relationship. I assumed he was married. Then one day it came out that he was divorced (the special someone was not a wife). That hit me like a ton of bricks. I was seeing him in order to try to leave my marriage and I just assumed he, with all his relationship knowledge and wisdom, would be in a longterm marriage. If any problems arose in his marriage, surely he would be able to handle them? It just made me feel hopeless to know T was divorced. I felt like there is no hope for me in the future in terms of another relationship. If T can't make a relationship last, it's just hopeless for me. I immediately went into a depression. We didn't figure this out until a couple of months later. (I am very good at hiding my feelings from myself.) Then T set me straight and fixed my hopelessness. It was great actually, and we became much closer. I love how he just took responsibility and strongly moved in and undid the damage. It was very powerful and I felt his care and his strength and his commitment to my well-being. We were definitely closer afterwards.

Jexa, your experience has a lot of potential for good in it. Sounds like a very important therapy event.

Originally Posted by jexa

Has anyone had this experience, where T's humanity just came out front and center? How did that change your relationship with your T? Did it improve it, or did it take something away?

Thanks for sharing that story, Jexa. Yes, I have had the same reaction when my T self-discloses about challenges she's faced. It makes me feel like she can understand me and isn't judging me and cares enough to share with me. Definitely improved the relationship early on when I was still struggling to open up to her.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Yes. It happened after about 4 months in therapy. T occasionally spoke of this special someone in his life--he was not very revealing and I didn't pry, but I knew he was in a committed relationship. I assumed he was married. Then one day it came out that he was divorced (the special someone was not a wife). That hit me like a ton of bricks. I was seeing him in order to try to leave my marriage and I just assumed he, with all his relationship knowledge and wisdom, would be in a longterm marriage. If any problems arose in his marriage, surely he would be able to handle them? It just made me feel hopeless to know T was divorced. I felt like there is no hope for me in the future in terms of another relationship. If T can't make a relationship last, it's just hopeless for me. I immediately went into a depression. We didn't figure this out until a couple of months later. (I am very good at hiding my feelings from myself.) Then T set me straight and fixed my hopelessness. It was great actually, and we became much closer. I love how he just took responsibility and strongly moved in and undid the damage. It was very powerful and I felt his care and his strength and his commitment to my well-being. We were definitely closer afterwards.

Jexa, your experience has a lot of potential for good in it. Sounds like a very important therapy event.

Sunrise,

When I discovered that my T was divorced, I actually found it quite helpful--almost like relief that he wasn't "perfect". After all, he had gone through a very similar situation to what I had gone through, and he made it through to the other side. He is now happily married to a different woman (for many years now), and has two kids. This is just one example.

My T would be pretty useless to me if he was "perfect" and never had any personal challenges in life to overcome. Someone who has never struggled with anything couldn't possibly know what the heck I was talking about.

[chaotic13]

My Ts disclosures have been appropriate and actually I think they have been important to me in keeping the relationship balanced. IDK if I would have developed a skewed perpective of my t being the perfect mother, friend, communicator, etc. But I am grateful that she has deliberately and not deliberately shared a few things about her real life.

[Brightheart]

I think my first clue to former T's imperfections was in the very first email he sent to me...with several typos. I thought to myself...a regular guy. Cool.

It's difficult to explain, but he never came across as all-knowing and perfect. Confident, but very human. And he was aware of that and would relay any uncertainties that he had about our discussions, which I always appreciated.

I recall that I used to send him out of the room to read my notes because I was embarrassed at first. One day he came back shivering because there was no heat out in the waiting room. The next time he said something like...You're going to make me go out in the cold again? With a sad face and a fake shiver... That was very human. I let him read in the room from then on out. Couldn't have him getting chilled...

Originally Posted by chaotic13

My Ts disclosures have been appropriate and actually I think they have been important to me in keeping the relationship balanced. IDK if I would have developed a skewed perpective of my t being the perfect mother, friend, communicator, etc. But I am grateful that she has deliberately and not deliberately shared a few things about her real life.

I've had the same experience - my T has disclosed very little, but when she has, it's been related to our discussions at the time.

T recently told me that I can ask her questions about herself - I don't know how much I really want to know!

[deliquesce]

pdoc doesn't really disclose very much, but he has done it on a few occassions. sometimes they have been therapeutic, sometimes they have almost seemed like he was disclosing for his sake/temporary need for support. but that's ok also, because i like that sort of reciprocity.

austin-t on the other hand... . that guy has a motor mouth, without any filter between thought and speech. even on the rare occassion where he manages to pull himself back in (usually by saying "ok, austin-T, time to keep your mouth closed and let deli speak uninterrupted") it is very easy for me to guess what he was going to say. but i love that about him, and i know it has made me trust him more easily and allow myself to be more vulnerable in his presence. it is almost like modelling - he discloses, deli discloses.

i have only seen him since april, but i know a LOT about him. his mum had severe depression, so wasn't able to look after him & his brothers. his dad was a professional tennis player, so was away a lot. the kids had to look after themselves. austin-t was the oldest of 3 boys, but also the smallest, so he used to get beaten up by his younger brothers. he went into teaching but got sick of his life around 25 so threw it all in and went travelling for a year, with only a few dollars to his name. went back home, picked up the teaching again but also a uni degree (to become a psychologist). did really well, but was in an abusive relationship at the time and felt torn between finishing his degree asap or leaving the relationship. he chose to stay because he didnt have income/support otherwise, and also for the sake of the kids. finished the degree and left the relationship. moved countries. met someone new. he doesn't talk to one of his brothers anymore, because his brother isn't accepting of his partner (a guy). he is meeting his partner's parents in america this month, and in january his partner & him are flying back home for austin-T's big family reunion. austin-T is dreading it because it'll mean having to spend a month with the brother that he hates. but he likes his other brother, so he wants to see him too.

Austin-T has OCPD. we compare lists and how we colour code things. he uses certain pens for certain clients and gets very upset if he even touches the wrong one. he spends 5 minutes every morning lining up the shoes in his wardrobe with a ruler.

i love him. i dont feel like an idiot when i tell him my "stuff" because more often than not he is like ME TOO!!! unlike other therapists i have had, he doesn't try to make me give up all my OCD stuff, just wants to make it work for me. i'm allowed to have particular pens and notepads and colour coded diaries, i am not allowed to write essays out 10 times before i type them up. he doesn't pressure me to leave my less than ideal living situation, because he understands i'm working towards long term stability & opportunity instead.

i do idealise him in a way. of course i dont think he's perfect, but i think he's realistic & that where he's at right now is something for me to strive towards. it helps that i'm studying psych also .

the only real drawback is that he says he sees a lot of himself in me, and sometimes that makes him too invested in wanting me to get better, which makes him impatient at times. he also projects a lot of his goals and desires onto me, which i variously find supportive or stifling. but i definitely think the good outweighs the bad, and i'm glad that he hasn't referred me elsewhere. we both recognise that there is a lot of transference going on, and that can be challenging at times, but we both get a lot from this relationship.

Yeah, my therapist is divorced, has a severe phobia of snakes, has a son who has been in jail, etc. Very human.

i once asked my t what were the worst things that had ever happened to her...i mean here i sit telling her these awful things that had been done to me and i needed to know if like the worst was a torn fingernail.

she brought up a death, an injury (okay thats fair) and then went off on this rant about one of her kids...for about 15 minutes..mad, crying..sort of a controlled almost yell...this was the one that would not make the top of the family album. lying, cheating, making off with some $$, making it sound that they came from an unloving home etc....

i could tell it really hurt her to have her child react this way towards her. everything she has ever said about her kids has been so positive...i can say while they have many opportunities they also don't get everything they want and frequently get reined in. she seems like a good mom...so this was a shock to me.

it made me feel so sad for her...but it made her feel so human to me...like geez she does get to feel like the rest of us. here i am sitting there telling her nope you didn't mess up etc...

anyway next session she apologized for that...told her none was needed...sometimes even t's need to vent...obviously i asked something that hit a nerve & didn't realize it but you needed to blow off a little and like you say its a safe room. i did say that i was impressed she was still walking around after absconding with so much $$$...she laughed and says that what her husband says!

i had seen her cry for me which is unnerving...but never for her.

[googley]

I've had a couple of experiences about finding out about my Ts. My first one was when I was a teenager and found it extremely unprofessional for her to share. I understand that she was trying to make me see that even with my problems one could be successful, however, my teenage mindset did not care. I felt guilty for not caring, but I felt that I was there for the one hour a week where someone was supposed to care about me. I knew I was screwed up and didn't want to have to deal with anyone else's issues as at home I always had to take care of my mom. T was supposed to be a place where i could get away from that.

With other T's the information I have learned about them has always been tangential to T. My last T, who I knew the most about, I found out she had a daughter (she had to cancel a session to take her to the doctor.) I also found out she had a dog because one of the times I called her to reschedule a session she was at home and I could hear her dog in the background. That was the coolest thing I learned because we both loved dogs.

As for learning my T is human was when my T got into a car accident on the way to my session. (I was always the first one in the morning). She called me on my cell to let me know that she was not going to be able to make it. I didn't get the message until after I got to her office and found her not there. In her message she sounded like she was trying to keep it together even though she was shook up. For all that I was very worried about her, (and she was wonderful and called me that evening to let me know she was okay) it seemed to make her more human. She was not always calm and collected and perfect, (even though she seemed that way in session.) We talked in session the next time about how in her initial message she sounded like she was trying to keep it together, but that there was a problem. I think she was also interested in how I thought she sounded since she wasn't at her best. In the end I was just very happy that she was okay.

[rainbow8]

I know my T is human because therapy is in her house, and also because I run into her at community events. She also tells me a lot. I've seen her family and know a little about them.

Other than that, there was the time she was held up in traffic and kept calling my cell phone to apologize for being late, repeating that is was so unprofessional. I thought it was the best thing that had happened so far in therapy!!! It made me realize she's not perfect. Then there was the time she didn't have time to change to more professional clothes before our session. Yes, my T is definitely human!

[peaches100]

I've been in therapy with my t for 10 years, and she has told me very little about herself. But over time, i've come to learn a few things such as how many kids she has, what her husband does for a living, and what kind of dog she has. I wish she would disclose more because i think it would help me realize she is just another human, not a superwoman. Like recently, she told me she didn't have time to respond to one of my emails. I felt so rejected and hurt! I felt that she didn't want me to email her anymore and that i was bothering her. Deep down, it just did not seem possible that she could be too busy to reply. I just didn't comprehend that it could be true that she was unable to reply.

At the beginning of therapy, I really wanted my T to just be "T"...I didn't want to know ANYTHING about him.

Over the course of therapy, I've slowly learned more about him - from basic things like how many kids he has, etc., to more recently, personal things about how he deals with the challenges in his life.

He told me a story a few weeks ago when I was just at the BOTTOM about a time when he was at HIS bottom, and that story really stuck with me.

I like that T is a real person.

[polarsmom]

What a great topic Jexa! I am loving hearing all the stories. After the first few sessions I felt the need to get to know a little about my T. I wanted to get a general idea of what kind of person he was outside of the office. I felt too uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with a total stranger. So I started asking questions. I think he sensed that I needed him to share with me too because he does share personal stuff. That has helped me to feel safer with him. I don't feel like he's just sitting there judging me. Thinking I'm just crazy!

[jexa]

Thanks everyone for your replies! It's really good to hear that so many Ts are so very human!! I know I always felt so naked in T, like I was this hopeless wreck on display for a stranger to see. But it's not really the case, is it? Ts are probably thinking, a lot of times, "Wow, can I relate."

[taylor43]

My T has disclosed information about her health pyschially, and grief. Shes now in counseling for grief herself. It gives me more strength to share because she is human. I read the phase somewhere Therapists use the toilet too! That brought me to reality that t can help however they have a life too and emotions

[Merlin]

*** Triggering ***



I know one of the time my pdoc (who has done some talk therapy with me) disclosed it was very difficult. Just before my appointment he had given a eulogy for a friend and colleague who had killed himself. I was having a lot of suicidal ideation around that time and brought it up in that session. I think it triggered my pdoc, but it gave me the opportunity to see first hand that negative effect the suicide has on it's survivors. That day he also told me that he really worried about me and I wasn't sure how to take it. He was very human that day.

[polarsmom]

Originally Posted by Merlin

*** Triggering ***
but it gave me the opportunity to see first hand that negative effect the suicide has on it's survivors. That day he also told me that he really worried about me and I wasn't sure how to take it. He was very human that day.

Yes, it really does have a negative effect on those who care for you and love you. It's Devastating.

[sittingatwatersedge]

this is a great subject. I have read in so many places that therapists agonize among themselves about self disclosure etc, and yet from what I see here, it is helpful to the client, not harmful - or maybe we are not the right judges of what is or isn't helpful.

Speaking for myself, the idea of lying on a couch while someone sits out of my line of sight and listens and looks & judges me - that's nightmarish, I couldn't stand it. Maybe no one does that sort of work any more, who could endure it?!

I have to be able to talk to someONE, a person - not a blank wall (or a big desk, sorry BlueMoon6). I could do that at home. What my T tells me about herself, granted it isn't much and certainly not what she knows about me, makes me like her, and I think that's good.

[polarsmom]

I was talking to my T about my back/hip problems. And how it effects me on a daily basis. He was saying some comforting stuff (i don't remember what exactly) And I was thinking.....yeah, responding just like everyone else does. But you don't have a clue because you aren't living with it! Now I didn't say this out loud. But I did say something along the lines of: there are days when I just don't think I can handle much more. I know there are others that have days when they hurt like crazy. I just don't know how they manage to go on about their day without making life miserable for those around them. He then opened up about his own pain. And surgery he is scheduled to have. And different things he's done and so on. It literally brought tears to my eyes. He KNEW what I was talking about. He has experienced the same stuff. And truely understood. I asked alot of questions. Some that were quite personal and he answered without hesitation. THAT was huge to me. I thanked him for being open and honest with me.