[jexa]

Sorry everyone for not replying for a few days.. my computer has been screwy but I'm back now.

I'm really depressed and need to vent about T. Thanks for listening if you read this...

I went to T on Friday and AGHHHHH.

I thought I was seeing a BEHAVIORAL T. I thought she was interested in the PRESENT. But last session she wanted to dredge up all this old crap from when I used to get beat up and bullied in middle school. I always feel awful talking about that stuff. It was a really, really terrible time in my life, with all this crazy stuff happening at home, having no friends, and getting picked on daily at school. We spent the whole session talking about it. I feel retraumatized. I don't know what the POINT of that was!! What the hell does she think we're going to accomplish dredging all of that stuff up? And then the end of the session came and I just felt like absolute crap and still don't understand WHY we did that! WHY did we do that? I was getting better, I was doing better. Now I'm back to square f***ing one.

I've been crying nonstop since my session.. can't get out of bed, don't want to move, getting urges to SI and I haven't had those in a long time. I left T a voicemail that said "Hi, this is jexa. Can we please NEVER do that again? You don't have to call me back. Bye."

F***. Wishing I hadn't left that message...

Then I was stupid.. got drunk, had sex with my ex.. ughhhhhhhh.

Want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

(((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry...it's so painful to dredge up old feelings and memories. And if you specifically picked behavioral therapy so you wouldn't have to do that and you could just focus on now, it must feel even worse.

Could you call T and tell her how you are feeling and ask for some guidance? If she is (mostly) behavioral, and she knows you well, maybe she has some good "here and now" suggestions to help pull you back to the okay spot.

It's okay. You feel bad right now, but that doesn't undo all of the progress you have made. I promise.

[jexa]

Thanks tree.. I don't want to call T because I already called her. I don't want to bother her even more. I'm already beating myself up for the message I did leave her. I'm wishing she would call me even though I said she didn't have to.. I wonder if she will.

I feel undone. I feel like everything's undone. Maybe that's not true and it's just how I feel right now.. but it's hard to see that when I feel so awful. I've been crying over every little thing.. it's ridiculous. I hope I'll be ok at work tomorrow.

[googley]

(((((Jexa))))))
I'm sorry you had such a hard session. It would be especially hard to delve into those things when you're not expecting it. You should definitely talk to T about it. I hope you have a better week.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by jexa

Sorry everyone for not replying for a few days.. my computer has been screwy but I'm back now.

I'm really depressed and need to vent about T. Thanks for listening if you read this...

I went to T on Friday and AGHHHHH.

I thought I was seeing a BEHAVIORAL T. I thought she was interested in the PRESENT. But last session she wanted to dredge up all this old crap from when I used to get beat up and bullied in middle school. I always feel awful talking about that stuff. It was a really, really terrible time in my life, with all this crazy stuff happening at home, having no friends, and getting picked on daily at school. We spent the whole session talking about it. I feel retraumatized. I don't know what the POINT of that was!! What the hell does she think we're going to accomplish dredging all of that stuff up? And then the end of the session came and I just felt like absolute crap and still don't understand WHY we did that! WHY did we do that? I was getting better, I was doing better. Now I'm back to square f***ing one.

I've been crying nonstop since my session.. can't get out of bed, don't want to move, getting urges to SI and I haven't had those in a long time. I left T a voicemail that said "Hi, this is jexa. Can we please NEVER do that again? You don't have to call me back. Bye."

F***. Wishing I hadn't left that message...

Then I was stupid.. got drunk, had sex with my ex.. ughhhhhhhh.

Want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

That does suck. It's not the end of the world though.
Listen, I called my T when I was drinking at a bar once. Around the same time, I hung up on my T when he wasn't giving me the answers that I wanted. I told people that I cared about to F**& off too. These are behaviors I never thought I would engage in, but I did. I talked things over with my T, and he was very understanding. He was more concerned than anything else.

When people are triggered by something traumatic, they do things that they normally wouldn't do, and many resort back to old, harmful ways of coping that ultimately are self-defeating. I think you need to give your T a talk and tell him that you were really triggered and what happened/how you feel. I would also tell him that in the future, we need to tread carefully in that territory, because you don't want to leave the session in a hopeless state of mind.

I tend to tell my T immediately if I don't like something, and I always question him if I don't like his direction. I also don't answer every question unless I am ready to discuss it. I know a lot of people have a hard time being as direct as I am, but with practice anyone can do it. I'd be pissed if my T did what yours did and then left me hanging. I suspect that your T might not have known how upset it was making you as you had not discussed the subject before.

When do you see your T again?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jexa

I don't know what the POINT of that was!! What the hell does she think we're going to accomplish dredging all of that stuff up? And then the end of the session came and I just felt like absolute crap and still don't understand WHY we did that! WHY did we do that?

I think you need to ask her that, if you didn't already in your session. You need to know why she chose a different approach in that session. If she explains, maybe you will see the direction might be helpful or maybe you would have better information from which to explain your own point of view--that it was not helpful.

I thought I was seeing a BEHAVIORAL T. I thought she was interested in the PRESENT.

Most Ts are not strictly one approach. Ts often blend different therapeutic approaches in different ways and amounts, to help each client.

I was getting better, I was doing better. Now I'm back to square f***ing one.

If all it took was one session of discussing your middle school years, are you sure you were really doing better before? It seems like a very tenuous gain to be so easily undone and back to square one. Maybe your T wants to do some work in the past in order to help you find more lasting change or to support or "shore up" the work already done.

All that is just speculation--what would be very helpful is to ask your T why she focused on your past last session and why she seems to not be using strict behaviorist techniques anymore.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Simcha

That does suck. It's not the end of the world though.
Listen, I called my T when I was drinking at a bar once. Around the same time, I hung up on my T when he wasn't giving me the answers that I wanted. I told people that I cared about to F**& off too. These are behaviors I never thought I would engage in, but I did. I talked things over with my T, and he was very understanding. He was more concerned than anything else.

When people are triggered by something traumatic, they do things that they normally wouldn't do, and many resort back to old, harmful ways of coping that ultimately are self-defeating. I think you need to give your T a talk and tell him that you were really triggered and what happened/how you feel. I would also tell him that in the future, we need to tread carefully in that territory, because you don't want to leave the session in a hopeless state of mind.

I tend to tell my T immediately if I don't like something, and I always question him if I don't like his direction. I also don't answer every question unless I am ready to discuss it. I know a lot of people have a hard time being as direct as I am, but with practice anyone can do it. I'd be pissed if my T did what yours did and then left me hanging. I suspect that your T might not have known how upset it was making you as you had not discussed the subject before.

When do you see your T again?

Thanks Simcha. I hope I didn't upset my T with the message.. I imagine she'll probably be concerned and not upset with me but I still worry that this will change her opinion of me.. thus far I've been a very good therapy patient. I don't see her until Friday.. that means a full work week, ugh. I hope I don't have to call off. I have things I need to accomplish this week.. Christ, how is everything going to get done? I'm feeling a little better than I was this morning, like I'm packing stuff back up or something.. anyway I think I can at least show up and keep from crying at work but I'm not sure I can be productive in this state.

It feels pretty pathetic that just this middle school stuff left me like this. I don't think she knew how upset it was making me, especially since I don't ever cry in therapy and I might have appeared okay to her, since it's normal for me to look down/fidget/act restless in therapy, which is how I acted during this whole thing..

At least I left her that message, that'll at least open up the dialogue about this. She'll know it was major for me to leave that, since I have such trouble with assertiveness.

I know I told her not to call me but I'm giving her this ultimatum in my head.. like, if she really cares, she'll call anyway. Is that crazy? Maybe I should call again and say, actually, please call me because the session left me a total mess. Actually, please call me because if you don't I'll tell myself you don't really give a *****.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think you need to ask her that, if you didn't already in your session. You need to know why she chose a different approach in that session. If she explains, maybe you will see the direction might be helpful or maybe you would have better information from which to explain your own point of view--that it was not helpful.

Most Ts are not strictly one approach. Ts often blend different therapeutic approaches in different ways and amounts, to help each client.

If all it took was one session of discussing your middle school years, are you sure you were really doing better before? It seems like a very tenuous gain to be so easily undone and back to square one. Maybe your T wants to do some work in the past in order to help you find more lasting change or to support or "shore up" the work already done.

All that is just speculation--what would be very helpful is to ask your T why she focused on your past last session and why she seems to not be using strict behaviorist techniques anymore.

Well, I think the message I left T will open up that talk.. she started to go into "why" in session but our time ran out too soon, and the next client was so rude, just barged in from the waiting room ugh, and we had to just wrap it up for next time.

And yeah, these were tenuous gains but I was SO glad to be feeling better and was hoping I could hold onto it for a while, so it would sort of build its own foundation without crashing again. You know? Oh well, there that went.

[Merlin]

I imagine she'll probably be concerned and not upset with me but I still worry that this will change her opinion of me.. thus far I've been a very good therapy patient.

Sometimes it amazes me how concerned I am with being the "good patient." I tend to define it as following treatment advice and not needing aid between sessions. Unfortunately it means I sometimes deceive my pdoc (I'm between T's) and I often let depressions become far deeper than necessary. Intellectually I am certain I am nothing the pdoc hasn't dealt with before and we would both be better off if I were completely honest, but I'm so concerned with the image of being the "good patient" that I hinder my own success.

[rainbow8]

When I call my T and don't say specifically to call me back, she doesn't. One time I was so upset, thinking like you that she should KNOW that I want her to call even though I didn't say so. So I sulked. Finally I called her again, and said to call me back. She did, right away. She clarified that she will only call me back if I say, on the message, that I want her to.

It doesn't mean that your T cares, or doesn't care. It's just part of boundaries, I think. Ts will not usually call out of the clear blue to see how you are. They will only call when you call them first. There are exceptions, though. My T called once when I had the flu and missed 2 sessions. She also called once to change my appointment time. Of course the time I had the flu was more meaningful to me!

I suggest calling your T again and telling her how you felt after the session.

[jexa]

People are suggesting calling T.. but isn't that bad/weird to do? Won't it make her annoyed? Won't it make her think I'm too needy? Will it ruin our relationship? If she's annoyed with me, will she tell me? What if she's sitting silent, peeved but unable to express her frustration because she's my T? How will I know if she's being honest? I really want her to call but I don't want to call her twice in one week and what good will it do anyway? I feel like absolute crap, and a few minutes on the phone aren't going to change that.

I wish I could get an earlier appt. Her schedule's always full up, though. I don't know. I don't know. Crap.

Calling your tdoc is not a bad or weird thing to do. If you haven't heard back form her and you really need to talk to her, call back and leave a message being sure to specifically ask for a return call. That's what she's there for. That's her job. Don't overthink what her thoughts would be. You can't control that anyway.

[jexa]

Okay, my heart is pounding like a jackhammer but I called again... basically said..

"Hi umm... this is jexa again. Umm... I don't want to be too needy but... if you have any appointments open tomorrow... I'd like to come in earlier. Okay, thanks, give me a call back. Bye."

Crap crap crap crap crap crap I can't believe this. I feel so pathetic. Holy crap. This is so stupid. Feel like my head's caving in, chest is going to explode.. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by jexa

People are suggesting calling T.. but isn't that bad/weird to do? Won't it make her annoyed? Won't it make her think I'm too needy? Will it ruin our relationship? If she's annoyed with me, will she tell me? What if she's sitting silent, peeved but unable to express her frustration because she's my T? How will I know if she's being honest? I really want her to call but I don't want to call her twice in one week and what good will it do anyway? I feel like absolute crap, and a few minutes on the phone aren't going to change that.

I wish I could get an earlier appt. Her schedule's always full up, though. I don't know. I don't know. Crap.

Jexa, I'd challenge the thought that you think your T might be upset with you for calling outside of session. My T said that it was his job to be available for emotional crisis outside of session (I suspect to prevent a complete and total relapse/recession).

If my T didn't return my call, the possible reasons are always logical: 1) I didn't make the importance of the return call clear; 2) I didn't express the emotional crisis I was going through and that I needed support; or 3) he had an emergency situation, and/or was not in the office and/or unable to return the call due to said reasons.

My T is a really busy guy too. That's the price he pays for being successful; however, he is successful due to the ethical obligation he feels towards his patients. He has made clear that if I am ever to be in a crisis situation or I need his support in some significant way that I cannot solve on my own, that I really SHOULD call. He wants me to call during times like that.

Hey, I know how you feel--I didn't call my T for over a year after I was seeing him. I still struggle with calling him, but USUALLY--I feel better. I don't always feel perfect, or notice it right away, but at the very least it gives me pause and allows me to challenge the negative tape I have playing in my head at the moment. Often that's just enough to hold off the worst until I can figure it out. As a side note, if your T is like mine, he has certain set times of the day (morning, mid-day, and a couple of afternoon times), where he checks messages and returns calls. Busy practices usually have ways like this to respond to patients outside of the office.

[jexa]

My T called back. We're having therapy tomorrow at 7. I am drunk. That was stupid. I'm a wreck. Least I have T tomorrow.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by jexa

My T called back. We're having therapy tomorrow at 7. I am drunk. That was stupid. I'm a wreck. Least I have T tomorrow.

I think it's really great that you called your T back and got a return appointment for so early. It sounds like you really need to put some of those demons to rest in a healthy way. I think this is just the opportunity to finally start to really get over some of the pain you felt back in middle school.

That said, in order to be on time and not feel completely destroyed for your early appointment tomorrow, you really need to stop drinking tonight, right now. Additionally, I really suggest drinking a lot of water so that you don't get dehydrated; dehydration is one of the main culprits in the feeling of being "hung over".

Make sure you discuss the drinking with your T so that she/he understands the ways in which you tried to cope with the negative, traumatic middle school memories.

Kudos for being brave about all of this, Jexa. It's always hard to reach out to others.

[Brightheart]

Instead of trying to change your behaviors within your T relationship, why not look at the reasons behind them?

You're concerned with how T feels about you. That says something about you. Behaviors are important and informative if you can understand the motivations behind them. Might help you in outside the room relationships.

Good luck tomorrow.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm so glad you got an appt for tomorrow.

When I first divulged things from the past to my T, I too was a wreck - crying at the drop of a dime - and started doing things that I hadn't done since I was a teenager - SI mainly. I was so triggered by it all. I totally know what you're going through....I hope you can get back to a safer place in T tomorrow.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by jexa

I don't think she knew how upset it was making me, especially since I don't ever cry in therapy and I might have appeared okay to her, ...

I think this used to happen a lot in my therapy. While in the session I would appear like I'm fine, maybe struggling to talk about something, but not really overwhelmed or upset by the conversation. But boy when I leave and the invisible defenses start lowering, stuff really seems to hit me hard.

It think it is good that you called your t and let her know delving into the middle school years can have a delayed response. Sometimes now when I tell my T about some of the reactions I had after therapy, she has shaken her head like "why didn't you tell me this was happening?"

At least I left her that message, that'll at least open up the dialogue about this.

I think when I email my t often this is what I want....I don't really need a response or a fix to my problem. I just need to acknowledge that something set me off.

As for your What's the point question....I've asked that one a lot too. What I'm finding is...the point is becoming aware that those situations/encounters REALLY bothered you as a child, affected the way you saw the world back then, and THEY STILL bother you now and are likely affecting the way you currently see the world. When you know that something really affects you, you can likely deal with it. Its the stuff that we think...ah that was no big deal, I'm over that...these issues are the ones that often unconsiously mess us up.

[jexa]

Thanks everyone, so much, for your support. Thank God for PC. I'm not too hungover luckily. I'll see T tonight at 7 and let you all know how it goes.

[sittingatwatersedge]

One of the PC folk once remarked (my paraphrase) that each of us is the sum total of our experiences, and that no part of the past can be magic-ed away & you still be the person you are today.
That's pretty deep, and to me can be fairly scary for personal reasons, but I have peeked at it now and then, and it seems to be the real truth.

Sunrise said >>>> Most Ts are not strictly one approach. Ts often blend different therapeutic approaches in different ways and amounts, to help each client. <<<< I think that's true too - my T uses a mix of approaches to work on the different issues I have going on.

At any rate, I'm sorry you are hurting. Hope it gets better for you soon.

[jexa]

The truth is I'm really upset that we went there without my being prepared to go there, that the session ended before I felt okay, and she didn't know it, and I didn't realize the effect it would have. My reaction to this is really scaring me - I guess anger toward her approach was my first reaction, since it feels like I need to blame something or someone for this terrible feeling. Obviously if something like this is going to trigger me this badly, then I need to work on it -- because who knows when I could get triggered outside of T? What if I wasn't in T right now, and a friend and I had the same conversation? That could easily have happened, and I would be just as triggered, just as lost, without a T to help me.

I just didn't expect this reaction from myself.

No, it's good that we brought it up. I realize this now that I'm thinking more clearly. But I still was not ready. I feel so out of control.

I want T now. I don't want to wait anymore.. I am so nervous about this.

Coming in late, but jexa . Glad you could get an appt. tonight, I hope it goes well!

As I read through this thread, it seems like you're already processing your thoughts on all this - realizing why it is now that you got angry at T. I hope you can express all that to T, and then T will know how to better help you next time.

I just didn't expect this reaction from myself.

I hear ya there! I've had that happen to me so many times. I leave a session feeling fine, or maybe a little sad, and then later that night or the next day - . I am either or . And it's so hard to wait for that next session! So good for you for calling T, I think it's huge progress.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by jexa

Obviously if something like this is going to trigger me this badly, then I need to work on it -- because who knows when I could get triggered outside of T?

this is very sound!! good job !

[jexa]

Met with T. Feeling pretty exhausted but I feel better. As suspected, she had no idea how raw those memories still were -- how fresh they were for me -- and she apologized that she didn't time the session better to make sure I was okay before the next client. Anyway.

We decided to refocus to the present, but keeping in mind that I should probably go down that road when I'm feeling more ready to go there. I'm relieved twofold - one, we don't have to go there now. That's good because I am just too fragile for this. It really threw me for a loop. Second, she's willing to go there with me eventually. That's important. I wasn't sure she was willing to do that with me, what with her behavioral background.

Thanks again everyone for the support. I'm feeling better now, for the most part.