[rainbow8]

This may be a pretty dumb question, but I'm anonymous, so what do I have to lose, huh! My husband is questioning my motives to see my T. He says I can talk to him instead. He doesn't think T will have anything to say that I don't already know. What if he's right?

I know that we need Ts when we're working on trauma and serious issues that affect our quality of life. Of course I'm not questioning that. But as for me, now, I don't know. I'm coping with my Dad's decline; he's had a very long and happy life, and it's time. The other situation isn't here yet, so I can't predict what will happen. But I'm going on with life. I want my T, but others like my H could play that role IF I LET THEM. But I want her! I want to be there and get the attention from her. She's been through a lot with me, so it makes sense. But I'm been through more with my H. So what is my T doing that he, or others can't?

I do know that I can't be as open with my H about some things, but he knows my father a lot better than my T does! He can understand my feelings if he tries. So how do I convince him that I still want/need my T?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Unless yr H actually is a psycholgist / counselor / whatever, (which I doubt if he is questioning the validity of your seeing a T), he willl not have the years of education and experience that yr T has, enabling him to help in the same way a T could. for example, would your H ever say, how could you DO that?! Your T will never say that. Would H ever say, don't interpret X's statement to mean that - yr T will never say that, either.

T is an unbiased listener. Everyone else you know will have an agenda. I don't mean that everyone else is necessarily out for themselves; their agenda could be to help you, but maybe not helping. for example, would your H ever say, awww, don't cry.... ? when maybe you really, really NEED to cry.

Yr H has baggage of his own; yr T has been trained to put baggage aside. Yr H is deeply concerned about "us" (and rightly so); yr T just focuses on "you". Conversely, there are things you can admit to yr T, the unbiased listener, that your relationship might never survive if you told yr H.

I have a much longer list than this, rainbow, but others here at PC are able to articulate all this so much better than I can... Stepping aside now...

[rainbow8]

Thanks, SAWE. I rationally know those reasons, but somehow my H just makes me feel so guilty for wanting to see my T. I don't blame him, in a way, because he's been through all my years of "obsessing" about my different Ts, and he's not been happy about it. He doesn't trust my motives, which makes me not trust them, either.

[BlueMoon6]

Rainbow- LOL! I get the same s**t, uh, I mean stuff, from my h! Since he went to dt with me says that less. My take on it is that T and I have a theraputic relationship, she responds in ways to me that my h cannot at this point. Since she knows intimate details about my history from a professional point of view, she sees situations and my feelings in a different way than h. AND she can give me "advice" or perspective from that point of view. I am putting it in a way that an h can hear. I think the main reason my h has stopped that is that he sees so much improvement in me that it is difficult for him to argue with the benefit of therapy. I wonder how much of it he chalks up to the lexipro I think a lot of my improvement has to do with medication. But lately, with ftt, I feel more relaxed and confident.

If your h doesnt trust your motives, and he thinks you just want to see T to get your "fix" to the tune of $100, maybe you can gently tell him some of the other positives you get from her perspective as a psychologist. I know how sticky this can get with h.

Our tdoc's are impartial observers of our thoughts and behaviors. They can look at what we think, feel, and do without their own agenda, biases, involvement getting in the way. They are trained to interpret our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors based on our histories and personalities.

We may not be able to be completely open with our husbands. We may be protecting them from our histories. We may be worried about their reactions. It's a different relationship.

You say he doesn't trust your motives. What does he think they are? I can remember before my husband started seeing our tdoc, he was jealous of the time I spent with my tdoc. It wasn't rational, but that was what it was. Once he got to know my tdoc, he was much more comfortable with him. Now he sees him himself.

Have you considered having a couples session or two to work this out? Maybe your husband needs a little personal experience with the therapy process in order to be more open to the idea.

[rainbow8]

Blue: Thank you for responding. Did you have your session? You must have; I hope it was productive!
The problem is that part of me thinks I do want to go just for that "fix". You understand that, don't you? I don't trust myself that I get other positives, but I know I do. It's like I can't think of the positives now, I can only think of being there in the room with her, and is that for the "fix"? I'm doubting myself because I feel I AM coping better than I would have in the past.

farmer: My H has come with me for a few sessions, off and on. He thinks I just want to see her, as Blue put it, to get my "fix." This time he knows I'm dealing with hard issues, though, so maybe I can tell him some of the reasons you and others have given. Otherwise I have to just go, anyway, or wait at least until the end of the month, which I may do anyway. So it will be 3 months, not 4, but at least not only 2.

[tryingtobeme]

I have the same issues with my H. I still see my T because I still have issues, however when I get to the point that the issues have been under control, I would at least cut down the amount of times that I see my T. Right now I see/talk over the phone several times a week. First I am hoping it goes to one day a week, then maybe every other week, maybe only every month.

I think if you are ready to maybe go on with life with just your H right now, then see if he would be okay with you going every so often, like every 2 weeks or every 3 or 4 weeks. This way you can rely on your H more but yet know that your T is still there.

A good T will understand that you are getting better and that you want to try things a little differently. Ultiminatly, your H may not go for anything that I just said, and if he doesn't, then you have to do what is right for you. If you H truly loves you he will stand by you and believe in you, and let you decide when and how you need the help. Take care.

[jexa]

Maybe you could take H to T with you? Has he been before? It may open his eyes to how helpful therapy can be.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Our tdoc's are impartial observers of our thoughts and behaviors. They can look at what we think, feel, and do without their own agenda, biases, involvement getting in the way.

While therapists do strive for this, I doubt they can be this way all the time. In saying that, though, I do think they succeed more in this than anyone else would outside of the room.

Rainbow, I would look at my motivations in this if I were you. Are you looking to reconnect with her? Do you want to know that she's there for you? Need extra support? Or do you just like the feeling of being with her? If it gives you the strength to move forward in your life then why not allow yourself? Have you asked H why this bothers him so much?

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

This may be a pretty dumb question, but I'm anonymous, so what do I have to lose, huh! My husband is questioning my motives to see my T. He says I can talk to him instead. He doesn't think T will have anything to say that I don't already know. What if he's right?

What is your H scared of? Sounds like he doesn't want anything he considers "bad" to be said about him. To be frank with you, his suggestion that he be your T is pretty ludicrous.

I know that we need Ts when we're working on trauma and serious issues that affect our quality of life. Of course I'm not questioning that. But as for me, now, I don't know. I'm coping with my Dad's decline; he's had a very long and happy life, and it's time. The other situation isn't here yet, so I can't predict what will happen. But I'm going on with life. I want my T, but others like my H could play that role IF I LET THEM. But I want her! I want to be there and get the attention from her. She's been through a lot with me, so it makes sense. But I'm been through more with my H. So what is my T doing that he, or others can't?

I have to question your H's motives for trying to implant a seed of doubt in you. He's also saying that basically he can be your T. That's just silly on his part. His role is to be your supportive husband, not your T. If your H actually could do your T's job and have some sort of a dual role in that regard, then it would still be unethical. Asides, your H hasn't the training nor the skill to do what your T does. Your H has a different role.

You are going through some tough stuff. I'd say that if your T has been a help thus far, she will continue to be a help during this difficult time.

I do know that I can't be as open with my H about some things, but he knows my father a lot better than my T does! He can understand my feelings if he tries. So how do I convince him that I still want/need my T?

You don't need to convince your H of anything. You are seeing a T, and that is your decision, not your H's. Why do you feel as though your H is the one with the control over this?

[polarsmom]

My H doesn't really know how often I see T. He knows I'm seeing a T. I don't really talk about what I've talked about in sessions and my H doesn't ask. I like it that way for the time being. He probably thinks it's like once a month or something. But when I first started I told my H that I was going because I wanted to be a better person. He was fine with it. If he questioned it I'd tell him that this is something that I'd rather take care of on my own.

I'm single, so no H for me, but I just journaled about this very question this morning! Here's what I came up with - everyone who I love, loves me back, no question - but each one of them has one person (significant other, child, parent) whose needs come first and foremost. Me, my needs they don't come first to anyone but me. When I'm in a session, for those 45 minutes, my needs come first and foremost to T. Granted, I'm paying T to help me and to put my needs first, but let me tell ya - those 45 minutes (or sometimes 90 minutes when I have 2 sessions) a week are changing my life. My T, slowly but surely, is helping me to feel safer and more cared for than I've ever felt before - it's a lot to take in, and I fight her sometimes, but it's so worth it!

And, as others have said, our T's are specifically trained to help us figure all this junk out in our heads.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My husband is questioning my motives to see my T. He says I can talk to him instead. He doesn't think T will have anything to say that I don't already know. What if he's right?

I don't know about talking to your H instead of your T, but it might indeed be helpful to talk to your H about the hard time and stress you're experiencing from your father's health. This won't replace what you get in therapy, but you might be able to get some support from your H that would be helpful. I actually think it is great that your H is willing to listen to your troubles and try to provide support. Not all spouses want to do that. But I do not think it is so great that your H thinks he is equivalent to your T. Have you tried talking to your H about your father? Was it helpful? Was he supportive? In stressful times like these, it is great if you can get support from more than one source. Your H might be able to provide a different sort of support from your T--such as holding you tightly while you cried (or whatever).

When I went to see my first T, I had this idea that she would help me with all my problems and provide support, but no one else in my life need even know about these problems. When this idea I had came up, she said nope, that was not how it worked and that was not her role--to be 100% of the support I got. She said I needed to develop a support network outside of therapy because she could only help me for 1 hour a week and she believed I needed more than that.

Anyway, I don't think you need to choose H or T--it's not one or the other. Why don't you talk to H (and friends or relatives too) for support and also go see T? When you talk to your H for support, perhaps you can be "listening" for what you are not getting from him. (Of course accept what support he can give!) But maybe by "listening" to yourself like this, you will learn for yourself what you are not getting from your H that you get from your T, and then you can explain it better to your H. You could also gently explain that you don't expect him to be like your T and respond in the same way, i.e. it's not a shortcoming of his that he can't give you exactly the same things that your T does.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So how do I convince him that I still want/need my T?

I don't like the thought that you have to convince him of anything. Just tell him how it is for you. What's there to doubt or not believe? How exhausting it must be, especially when you have so much stress right now, to feel you have to justify your feelings to your H and provide him with a list of "legitimate" reasons why you should see your T. That's just more added stress right now--don't let your H add to your stress burden.

Originally Posted by polarsmom

My H doesn't really know how often I see T. He knows I'm seeing a T. I don't really talk about what I've talked about in sessions and my H doesn't ask.

I tended to follow the same model when my H and I were still together. My healthcare is private and I don't need to share every detail with a spouse. Rainbow8, since your H seems somewhat hostile towards the idea of your seeing your T, maybe it is best not to share your inner thoughts of should you see your T or not with him. Because he is going to be very biased! Share stuff like your feelings about your dad with him, to get support, but don't talk about therapy with him.

[rainbow8]

We pay by check, so he will know. A few times in the past I had an extra session and paid cash, but I think that's deceitful. I think he has a right to know what I am spending $100 on, doesn't he?

[sunrise]

Every couple works out money matters differently so this would not be deceitful unless you had established that the spouses get to know whenever purchases of $100 are made by the partner, and you tried to hide an expense. I think for fairly major purchases, each spouse should know, but I think $100 would not meet that criterion for some couples. Everyone has different arrangements regarding money with their spouse. You might even establish with your H (perhaps not now, but in the future) that you want greater responsibility and privacy for your health matters so you don't want to have 100% transparency anymore for healthcare. Of course, if you had a huge healthcare expense, it would be different, but for an office visit here and there, does the spouse need that level of knowledge?

[rainbow8]

I would find it very hard to keep it from my H that I had a session. I talk about my T a lot to him. He knows my T too, and we went to her lecture and workshop together. He knows I was triggered seeing her in RL. Also since I already told him I wanted to see her and not wait 4 months.

I am starting to think the main problem is that I am angry about having to pay my T $100. I've always been angry about her fee, and the fact that she is not under our insurance. Also that I don't deserve to pay that much money for one session. So it's not just my husband. I struggle with the fact that she earns so much money, and I don't. There are a lot of issues here, and yes, I've discussed them with my T. I'm sort of hijacking my own thread with this new emphasis, but my feelings are just surfacing now, how much I feel that I do not deserve to spend this money on me! I spent it for 6 years already, and before that with other Ts, but at least they cost less. Plus my jealousy of my T for earning so much. I think I work just as hard in my job but I get peanuts compared to her. I almost have as much education as she does, too.

How can I make myself believe that I'm worth spending a lot of money on therapy? How can I stop being angry with my T about her fee?

[BlueMoon6]

Rainbow, I just wanted to let you know that I am reading along here, I dont have much to add. I have similar issues with my h, but I hide quite a bit about what I spend on healtcare. Not that I spend a lot, but there are some things I dont share b/c I feel strongly about my privacy in matters Id rather keep private. Like where he'd give me a hard time, I dont tell him if I feel it is necessary.

Anyway, I agree with Sunny, yet I understand your point of view. Very difficult to change these kinds of things after so many yrs of marriage. But still, Sunny has good points she is making.

Im looking forward to reading more....nothing useful to add

Oh, When you were posting all of this before about her fee, *I* was angry about her fee for the same reasons you are. Unless we share feelings of "entitlement" and she should cut you a really good, big break in your time of need. I understand your feeling resentful of her income and your needing her. I was thinking when I was reading before that she could be a little more generous with you right now.

Well, you could tell her that????

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

How can I stop being angry with my T about her fee?

It's not your T's fault your insurance won't pay for her, is it? Not all Ts are covered by all plans. Maybe the insurance company is the one to be mad at for not reimbursing for her services. My T is not covered by my insurance either, and he charges more than $100/session. Part of the reason I only go to therapy every 2-3 weeks is due to cost, so I definitely understand how our finances can put a crimp in our ability to pay for therapy.

Plus my jealousy of my T for earning so much. I think I work just as hard in my job but I get peanuts compared to her. I almost have as much education as she does, too.

Do you feel that way about anyone who makes more than you with similar education? Or just your T? Could you make a plan to get more training to move into a somewhat different position and earn more? I always feel better when I take some action or have a plan. But the economy's tough right now. Would it make you feel less angry about your T's earning power if you knew she wasn't overcharging? I think $100 is a good deal; she is definitely not milking you but charging at the low end of what a therapist charges. I don't know, Rainbow8--is this really all about being angry about your T's fee? Is there anything else you might be angry about and this is a deflector?

I talk about my T a lot to him.... He knows I was triggered seeing her in RL.... How can I make myself believe that I'm worth spending a lot of money on therapy?

Here's an answer from an outsider looking in: maybe you need to stop listening to your H about therapy. You are so worried about what your H will think and let him dictate whether you go to therapy or not, and tell you that you don't really need it and you believe him. That's partly what I meant about not sharing everything about therapy with him--it's not just the cost and whether you go or not, but the details of your T relationship and how you feel about her and when you see her in public etc. Your H is not supportive of your therapy, he doesn't need to know that stuff. You know what I mean? He is not your ally in therapy. It is perfectly all right to keep the details of the therapeutic relationship private from the spouse. It must be hurtful to share about your T with him and have him be critical or devalue her contribution to your health. If you decide you can't afford to see T right now, then that may be a very sound reason, but I hope you will let it be your decision and conclusion and not something you decide to do just because your H said so or because you're scared of his censure. (Sorry, I'm a little triggery about even the suggestion of a "control" issue in a marriage.)

Another thing I'm wondering--at first you wanted to go to therapy for extra support during this crisis time with your father. But now some other issues are coming up: you are mad at your T because your insurance company won't reimburse for her services; you are mad at your T because she chose a profession that pays more than your job; it was upsetting to see your T with her grandson. Sounds like there's a lot about the T relationship that's on your mind.

[Simcha]

I agree. I never shared with my ex what went on in my therapy--that's private. No spouse is entitled to that information. Secondly, I would NEVER let my ex or anyone else dictate to me whether or not I should see a healthcare provider of ANY stripe, let alone a therapist. Sunny is right in that the only say he has in anything is how the finances are effected. That would be different for every couple, but more importantly it must be weighed against the need for your health.

It sounds like your H is insecure and perhaps even a bit controlling? Maybe he is jealous of the relationship you have with your T. I really think it's best that you don't tell your H so many things about your T. Perhaps this evokes his insecurities about money and your relationship with him. You should have a support system outside of T, and including H in that only seems logical, but your relationship and what goes on in therapy with your T is off bounds unless you want to share it.

((((rainbow))))

[chaotic13]

Rainbow, I had to deal with a lot of comments from my H when I started therapy. It go so bad that I didn't even want him to know I was going. He was and still is very threatened by me exploring and re-establishing my sense of self. I've changed! He's changed, our relationship has changed. Therapy is helping ME figure out how I want to respond to these changes.

What does my T give me that others don't... I would have to say a place to hear my own voice. Very powerful. Very healing.

[polarsmom]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

We pay by check, so he will know. A few times in the past I had an extra session and paid cash, but I think that's deceitful. I think he has a right to know what I am spending $100 on, doesn't he?

Because you have to pay out of pocket, maybe THAT is why is his trying to discourage you. Maybe financial reasons? Thinking that money would be better spent someplace else. If that is the reason and money is a bit tight, then it's understandable if he's looking to cut back on expenses.

I do think you have to be honest with your husband about what you are spending on therapy. As far as the $100 fee. That's pretty standard. Certainly not high. My tdoc once broke down for me what he actually takes home off of a $100 fee. It's not much after paying for expenses of his business.

[peaches100]

Wondering,

I know you're really struggling with this, so i want to add my 2 cents.

Due to your past t obsessions and money issues, i can totally understand why you don't want to see your t if you don't need to. On the other hand, you feel some need to see her right now. You've mentioned several valid concerns you have, both with your father's health decline and with your t herself. So if you need to have a session, i dont think you should feel guilty.

I know you get concerned about falling back into obsessing about her and needing a fix. But i think you've been doing really well with this. You have coped with spacing out sessions by several months. You've done well with keeping the relationship in perspective. And even though you sometimes get triggered by seeing your t in real life, you're able to talk yourself through it and recover. So based on all this, do you reallly think having a session is going to set you back?

I know the money is an issue, but you aren't going every week anymore, or even every month. Also, I think you said your h isn't working, yet you have a job. So if you are the one bringing in the income, then you have a right to take care of your needs.

I do understand, though, your reluctance to pay $100 for a session. That is alot of money, so you will need to figure out which is more important for you at this time: saving the money or seeing your t. Which is more valuable to you at this time? If you're going to resent paying the $100, then i'd encourage you to work on your feelings of resentment first before you decide whether or not to go. If you go in there feeling resentful, you may not be able to get what you need out of your session.

[Brightheart]

Maybe you feel resentful because you have to justify it in your mind as okay for you to do? But is it about spending that kind of money or is it really about feeling guilty for doing it? I can relate to feeling guilty for doing something for yourself. I honestly believe that guilt is misplaced in this case, Rainbow, and might have to do with feelings of low self-worth. If you need this for yourself then you are worth every penny of it.

Does your H ever do anything just for him? This is something that you do just for you. And you deserve that, Rainbow. Everyone does. Just my thoughts...