[mayarose]

Hi,

I have some CSA stuff I'm afraid to talk about with my T. I don't have too many words for it, actually. Sometimes I have these awful things, maybe they are flashbacks? I don't know what to call them, really. But they are awful. I don't have them often but when I do I kind of fall into pieces, at least at the moment. I am afraid to mention about them because I am afraid I wouldn't be able to say anything else. And I try so hard not to look like I'm in pieces - I'm afraid if I mentioned it it would be, uncontrollable? I'm not sure what the word is. I have a feeling you may say that T is trained to help me with this and I should tell him, and I think part of me knows that, but the other part of me can't believe it can be helped, not in a million years.

maya

[jexa]

((((maya))))

I think it is very brave of you for starting with a post here. Even writing that you have problems from CSA, when it is so hard to talk about, takes a lot of courage. You're already stepping up to the plate by reaching out to this community.

It's so hard to bring it up. It's so easy to make excuses not to disclose, because that brings the pain closer to us - that deep, fathomless pain. Disclosing brings it to the surface, and it's true that there is great danger of losing control.

Maybe you could start by printing up this post and bringing it in to your therapist. I know this is so hard. You don't have to talk about it at all. You could even say, when you bring it in, "I cannot talk about this today. But here, you should know this." That will at least open the door, just a peek.

I know it's hard to believe, but it can be helped. Right now, your memories are a dark, unspeakable place. T will try to bring some light into the darkness, and give the darkness a name, a shape, a place. That helps. So much.