I've been having a hard time. I haven't been able to even put my finger on what's wrong - I just want to pull in, and shut down, and other than doing what I HAVE to do to take care of my kids and family, that's what I've been doing.

My session Tuesday evening was intense. The session belonged more to my littlest self than to me, but I had more of an awareness of what was going on than I usually do. I can remember snippets of the session, particularly a couple of extremely powerful moments that happened.

The more I am aware of my youngest selves, the harder things seem to get. I guess that's why everything was split off for so long. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place...I don't want to be split apart, but the pain of "unsplitting" is almost too much.

I have this fear that I'll never "really" be happy again. Intellectually that doesn't seem right...but that's what it feels like.

I'm really tired of trudging through all of this crap. I just want it to be over. I wish there would be some point (soon) where I would realize "hey, I'm DONE!", but I'm afraid it won't be like that...it's just going to be a journey that goes on and on and on.

[rainbow8]

I just want to give you some hugs and tell you that I believe in you. It will take time, but you'll get to where you want to be. Don't give up.

[notz]

((((treehouse)))))

sitting with you...

Oh, gosh Treehouse, I feel like you, I just want to close myself up and hide. But I also have kids and you just can't do that. Life feels so hard right now, I don't know what to say other than maybe things will get better for us.

Tree I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Please do what you need to do to feel better, even if it's closing down for a bit.

That session does sound very intense! I'm sure it took a lot out of you.

The more I am aware of my youngest selves, the harder things seem to get. I guess that's why everything was split off for so long. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place...I don't want to be split apart, but the pain of "unsplitting" is almost too much.

I can really relate to this, Tree. It seems that the combination of doing my collage, my child self writing letters to T, and hugs with T have really brought up in me this feeling of being safe with T, but at the same time this horrible realization of just how unsafe and neglected I often felt as a child. I told T last night that I had no idea that I felt that way as a child - T said I had to keep pushing it down, or my heart would've broken. So now I'm trying to comprehend this past pain and how it's affecting my life now - it hurts!

I have this fear that I'll never "really" be happy again. Intellectually that doesn't seem right...but that's what it feels like.

Hang in there, Tree - it will get better! Sometimes I wonder, when I do feel better, if I'm just in denial and am pushing my feelings back down again until I feel safe again with T to bring them back up. It's brave of you to stay with those feelings, but they will go away!

I'm really tired of trudging through all of this crap. I just want it to be over. I wish there would be some point (soon) where I would realize "hey, I'm DONE!", but I'm afraid it won't be like that...it's just going to be a journey that goes on and on and on.

Last night, I told T that I'm having a hard time remembering why I'm putting myself through this in the first place. I told T that part of it feels good to share with her my truths, but part of it hurts like crazy, and how I'm so confused at the moment and can't make sense out of any of it, after a recent flashback. T didn't really address that head-on, but she did what she's supposed to do - she reassured me in her own way. But for sure, this issue will continue to come up for me. It's hard to justify the means to an end when we can't see the end. But it is there, somewhere, and we'll find it one day!

[googley]

(((((((Tree)))))))
I know the fight between what is known intellectually and what one feels emotionally. I feel like I'm fighting it all the time when it comes to T issues. It makes it hard because you are feeling two different things and often they are opposed to each other and so they are pulling two different ways. It seems like having to decide which one is right when they both feel 'so' right.

I hope that you are able to find some calm. Take care of yourself!

I don't want to be split apart, but the pain of "unsplitting" is almost too much

I truly don't believe you will separate again -
BECAUSE you know now that there are others inside that you are addressing.
Very very sensitive work in progress - but I'm proud of you for now knowing and really are kind'a forced to deal with it - cause the others inside want to be together, meet one another and come together as one to help you coup.
They all want to be one family now, but are scared and have to come out a bit at a time so ensure it's safe.

[~Blossom~]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I've been having a hard time. I haven't been able to even put my finger on what's wrong - I just want to pull in, and shut down, and other than doing what I HAVE to do to take care of my kids and family, that's what I've been doing.

My session Tuesday evening was intense. The session belonged more to my littlest self than to me, but I had more of an awareness of what was going on than I usually do. I can remember snippets of the session, particularly a couple of extremely powerful moments that happened.

Treehouse - sorry to hear you are having a rough time. From what you wrote - it appears that you already know why, You might be going to fast - maybe slow down for a while and take the next couple of sessions to vent rather than going through the intense childhood emotions?

((((((((((tree))))))))))

i am sorry you are so weary right now. i so know the feeling. it does seem a bit neverending, but i do think there will be light at the end of the tunnel. or, there will be bursts of light along the path. i don't know how all it works or if it is the same for everyone, but it's okay to sit down for a bit on a shady rock and catch your breath and rest. when you're ready then you can keep going on the path.

Originally Posted by ~Blossom~

You might be going to fast - maybe slow down for a while and take the next couple of sessions to vent rather than going through the intense childhood emotions?

Thanks all of my (((((((((((((PC Friends)))))))))))))) for supporting me even when I've been so quiet

I wondered the same thing you did, Blossom...if I needed to slow down. I brought my post from the beginning of this thread and read it to T yesterday. We actually read it quite a few times.

I think I asked T if I need to slow down. T said I am doing just what I am supposed to do. When I got really sick in October, it was because I was working SO hard to not think about this stuff, to not feel, to not talk about it. It's what I've always done - THROWN myself into taking care of other people so I don't have to look at myself. When I got so sick and T (and everyone else around me) got so upset and told me I HAVE to change and take care of myself, everything inside was just sitting there for me to deal with. I still wanted to avoid it, but T pushed a little, and now we are working HARD on it in therapy. But T says that is what I am supposed to be doing....working hard on this there, and being gentle with myself and slowing down at home. My instinct tells me he's right...but these are events and FEELINGS that I've so carefully avoided for so many years...it's just hard But I don't want to be sick anymore...so I'm kind of stuck

T said we're just DEEP in the **** right now. It won't feel this bad forever. I know he's right. I KNOW he's right. But it's hard. And it's not the "events" that happened, but all of the FEELINGS around the events...

There's so much more I want to post, but I just can't right now. I might try later.

Thanks, PC friends

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree))))
I think Dream said it so well when she said that it is hard to justify the means to an end when we dont see the end. It takes a HUGE amount of trust and bravery to do that. It practically goes against every way we know how to handle pain ie not to trust, to rely on our own devices, to avoid feelings, to stuff feelings, to take care of everyone else but ourselves etc... its endless. But you are IN IT. This is the way to really living with your TRUE self. The Tree you were born to be. Not the hiding and avoiding Tree, the real person with a real story and REAL feelings. Unsplit is who you are. What other way can it be? We have to be who we are. What is the alternative? Just more pain avoiding it all and staying split. This pain IS the way out of being stuck. You know that I am in awe of your bravery. I have the same huge fear of unsplitting and being more whole because the painful feelings seem more out of control and more scary when they are split off from me. I want to believe they are more managable when they are with me, in front of me.

Can I compare it to giving birth? Is this a terrible comparison? I'll try not to be graphic Before you go into labor, you know what you will face. Pain. Its scary knowing that, but then you go into labor. There is pain, it hurts like hell! you know it will end, but you know you have to go through it. Just knowing that makes each ebb and flow of labor pains do-able. It could be long, it could be short, but the reward at the end is the most beautiful thing this world has seen. Can I compare it to the birth of Tree? Its scary before, you (me, too) want to avoid it, then pain that hurts more than words can say (and its scary) and you wonder when this will end. But when it does, and it does, you will see in the mirror a Tree that is more beautiful and whole than you could ever possibly have imagined.

[Sannah]

I am sorry that it is so hard Tree. You will pass through it, though, and this stuff just has to be done...........

[MissCharlotte]

((((((Tree))))))

Be good to yourself. Take gentle care. Yes, it's a lifelong process and you are working so hard and learning so much about yourself.

[phoenix7]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))))))))))

sending you gentle hugs - sitting next to you and handing you tissues - a choc hip cookie and cuddlies for the insiders - small ones or larger whoever needs them (i know i do at times lol)

this **** sucks - it really does - it hurts - and it tears you up inside - but we heal - we converge - we learn - we move ofrward - somtimes on broken glass - somtimes on soft plush grass - but always forward.

I am so glad you ahve such a great T and that he loves you so much - i am so glad you are talking here so that we can show we all care about you ansupport you - I am so glad i know you because you ahve a beautiful spirit

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, Tree, I feel like your T has hit the nail on the head about doing what you're supposed to be doing - working hard in therapy and taking it slower outside of therapy. It makes perfect sense to me. But I know OH so HARD to do and accept.

When you're struggling with it, just remember your T's words - that you're doing just what you're supposed to be doing. And I love Bluemoon's analogy of birth.

(And I must admit, I feel like a total hypocrite - because I have been too afraid and resistant to do the hard work in therapy just yet.)

[~Blossom~]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think I asked T if I need to slow down. T said I am doing just what I am supposed to do. When I got really sick in October, it was because I was working SO hard to not think about this stuff, to not feel, to not talk about it. It's what I've always done - THROWN myself into taking care of other people so I don't have to look at myself. When I got so sick and T (and everyone else around me) got so upset and told me I HAVE to change and take care of myself, everything inside was just sitting there for me to deal with. I still wanted to avoid it, but T pushed a little, and now we are working HARD on it in therapy. But T says that is what I am supposed to be doing....working hard on this there, and being gentle with myself and slowing down at home.

My instinct tells me he's right...but these are events and FEELINGS that I've so carefully avoided for so many years...it's just hard But I don't want to be sick anymore...so I'm kind of stuck

That's great you and T decided everything is as it is supposed to be. I would not personally expect therapy to be without pain.

I guess I was thinking like this: when you work out at the gym, your muscles get sore. That's good. The soreness is from little stretches and tears in the muscles - over the next couple days, they repair themselves and the rsult is the muscle has become stronger. But if you go back to the gym too soon, you don't give the muscles the necessary time to repair or you get injured - you work out to hard and pull a muscle which halts or reverses your progress, and it takes a long time to recover and to get back to working out again.

Well the brain is not a muscle, but sometimes it works like one. Treehouse-I always thought you had a top-notch T. And you trust him and obviously he reassured you things are ok, and that you will benefit from experiencing the difficult emotions this way.

As good as your T may be, or any T may be, they can make mistakes too. Just please do be careful and I hope you continue to pay attention to your instincts, even if you decide not to follow their (the instincts) 'advice'.

But what did you mean that you got sick in October? Do you mean unstable or depressed or anxious from trying to repress the material? Were you having an argument with yourself, an inner conflict over holding back?

You know my T says this too that It won't feel this bad forever, but when you are in the middle of it, it is hard to trust that.

Originally Posted by ~Blossom~

But what did you mean that you got sick in October? Do you mean unstable or depressed or anxious from trying to repress the material? Were you having an argument with yourself, an inner conflict over holding back?

I got physically really sick. My immune system crashed and I had all sorts of weird infections and had to take loads of different antibiotics, etc. It was weird and scary.

It was pretty clear that I just ran myself into the ground. And a lot of that running was the running AWAY that I have been doing for my entire life. It's like it finally all caught up with me.

It really scared my T. It was just stupid how sick I was, with such weird symptoms. It scared H too - and my best friend - and my kids - it just just stupid and bad.

I KNOW T is right. This stuff has to be dealt with. I can't run forever.

The work we are doing is hard, but it feels right. And between sessions, I am able to REST. This is the quietest I have ever been actually. And I am discovering something...I take care of all of my friends all of the time, and I think I (and they!!)thought that's how things HAD to be - that they couldn't function without me. Now that I've had to slow down to take care of myself, my friends are starting to take care of each other. Everything is so much more balanced. It's a little scary, because when everyone was so dependent on me, I knew they would always be around. But it's just a risk I have to take right now. I can't be that sick anymore.

I don't know if that explains it any better...

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Everything is so much more balanced.

I'm SO glad to hear you are managing to be more balanced. When you were first posting about it you were wondering how you were going to accomplish that, and it looks like you are doing it. You should be proud of your hard work!

I've also noticed you aren't posting as much here, and I know you mentioned that even on your 'breaks' you would come here to support/help other members. So I just wanted to reassure you, it is OK that you are being quiet on the boards. I think everyone just wants you to feel better. And even though you aren't responding to posts, doesn't mean you're not allowed to post your own stuff.
Lots of and sweetest Tree!

Originally Posted by ktgirl

So I just wanted to reassure you, it is OK that you are being quiet on the boards. I think everyone just wants you to feel better. And even though you aren't responding to posts, doesn't mean you're not allowed to post your own stuff.
Lots of and sweetest Tree!

((((((((((ktgirl)))))))))))))))

Thank you SO MUCH for noticing and saying that. It means a lot. That is definitely something I am struggling with right now.

[BlueMoon6]

I just want to add my I love yous to Ktgirl's post.....I love you, Tree

Take care of all of you

Absolutely - major love to you, Tree! Feel better, mind, body and spirit - that's #1! We'll be here when you need us!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am discovering something...I take care of all of my friends all of the time, and I think I (and they!!)thought that's how things HAD to be - that they couldn't function without me. Now that I've had to slow down to take care of myself, my friends are starting to take care of each other. Everything is so much more balanced. It's a little scary, because when everyone was so dependent on me, I knew they would always be around. But it's just a risk I have to take right now. I can't be that sick anymore.

Very good! Sounds like you are tuning in to what you need and meeting those needs!!!!!!