What if you don't want to get better? Can you still go to therapy?

That's what's so hard. Not only explaining how I feel, but not knowing if a T would even want to deal with me, in light of how I feel (as well as so many other factors).

Blue Moon asked >> Was there silence because you became more aware of your true feelings?
My silence: I surprised myself by blurting out something that showed there really has been positive change in me, although unrecognized up to now. T's silence: maybe because she wanted that thought to sink in; or maybe she was just saying a silent prayer of thanks that this difficult client finally got on the right track, if only for a second

When i was talking w/ my T that day I had just blurted that comment out too. We were talking about a variety of things before that. And I got irritated and that answer just came out without me even thinking about it. I guess you could say I had my guard down and my true feelings just came out. Here I am denying that I needed, wanted or even cared about getting better. (I was there to humor my doctor so he'd refill my scripts for me.) Yet I kept going even after I could've told my doctor I tried and been done with it. I kept going even though just sitting in the waiting room was torture for me. I would be trembling so much that I had to sit on my hands or put them in my pockets to hide it. I didn't realize it till then how badly I really wanted to get better. I was so busy fighting it. Why? I dunno. I just thought none of this stuff in my head mattered. I still get caught up in that line of thinking. Get stuck and think I can't change it or fix it so it doesn't matter. And then I'll hear my T say..... but it does matter. It matters to you.

Thank you so much for this thread - it has so clearly resonated with so many of us. Where I am just now, it feels hard to move forward though I know I have made progress - but one thing that hinders me is the thought that i don't really want to get better, that I am making things harder for myself, that there is something in the attention from t and p-doc that I want and don't want to end, and I'm scared what life would be without that support.

Thank you all so much for insights you have all shared.

((((((((((((( theave )))))))))))))
change is scary. I know that so well. But it is for everyone and at all times; look at a toddler who wants to explore but is spooked by every little thing and goes running back to Mommy. In time, though, she grows, and the desire to explore and be individual will come to be greater than the need for safety. We can hope this for ourselves in therapy, I believe.

Wow polarsmom - you say such powerful things....you and your T. Your T says things that sound exactly like what I think I would hear from this one T. Maybe I shouldn't bail on therapy with him yet.... Thank you.

Call that T you mentioned. He might be the one you are needing in your life right now. Maybe a different approach, style or whatever. I really like my T (at the moment, who knows how I'll feel a month or two from now) It took alot of work establishing a relationship, a connection with him for me to even really listen. Sometimes the sessions seem like I've just wasted time and nothing has been accomplished. But when I think about what we've talked about the next day or over a few days some stuff really sinks in.

Thank you for your advice and guidance on this - I did call the t because of your encouragement and have a (first?..will there be more?) appointment tonight.

I want to do this but I am not sure the universe agrees....you see, the original appointment had to be rescheduled because of a snow storm. And now (NO LAUGHING!!), a bird POOPED on my head when I was out walking my dog at lunch...so I have to go meet the t for the very first time in person with DRIED BIRD POOP in my hair!!! And to think I was just worried about the humidity making my hair frizzy...sheesh...bad karma or what??

But I am going anyway....wish me luck...no, better yet, wish me courage.

I am so happy to hear that you made an appointment AND you're going!! Please post back how it went.

Thimble! Im wondering how it went!!!!! Bird poop and all........

Are you truely not wanting to get better, or too tired or scared to keep trying? I have been in that position many times. I may not always be thinking of new and creative ways to die, but I have many times wished I just be in an eternal sleep or be dead. Only I'm a little hessitant about what my afterlife may have to offer. Sometimes I get to the point where my desire to not exist, becomes a desire to end my life. It seems to get to that point when I feel like I have tried everything and nothing has really worked, or I see my future as hopeless and going nowhere.
We only change when the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same. So you have to choose. Stay in the same misery and state of numbess you are in, or do something about it and try something new.