[DoggyBonz]

Hi,

I'm not sure if anyone has been in this position but I'm struggling with doing the right thing and would love some advice.

Here is the thing. I have REALLY bad panic attacks and have for my entire life. Especially during this time of the year they seem to get worse. When I was a kid I jumped out of a car that was going about 15 miles an hour b/c I had one so bad, drove my car out of control and luckily I was the only one hurt in the accident etc...

My T understands and upped me to 10 mg of Ativan a day. I know that is a lot. My fear is that my body is becoming habituated to this. Last Sat., night I had one again and took too many pills. This has happened before. B/c he is worried about this he gives me a limited amount each time I see him so he can control it.

I promised my T when we started working together again that I would follow his instructions and not get any other medication from anyone and be honest with him about the Ativan. But I have been feeling really out of control and called a former T I know who prescribes freely and does not ask questions.

So he prescribed Xanax which I did not tell current T and I also held onto to 60 Ativan which I got from a friend. So I have all these pills at my disposal and feel like I should be honest with T but I am also really afraid of giving them up and having a super bad panic attack which I can't control.

I know I should come clean with my therapist and give him everything but I am really scared. There is a lot of unstructured time coming up and I have been feeling really terrified which he knows about. It just seems like nothing is helping and I'm doomed either way.

Sorry if this is too long and confusing.

Thanks

[mixedup_emotions]

I am in a similar position...and did not want to disclose to my T the issue of using meds...but I did. And he responded that I made it clear what our next steps are - and that's to get me healthier.

We haven't addressed it yet, but my hope is that by working with T, I will get to a place where I won't want to resort to meds because I will be working through my issues and will have learned better ways of coping with certain situations.

I am scared too. In my situation, it is pain meds and anxiety meds. The pain meds are prescribed for my severe migraines, but I have used them for numbing emotional pain as well. I don't want to end up in a situation where I don't have access to the meds when I need them for my migraines. But his goal is to get me to a place where I ONLY use them for that purpose.

*sigh*

It's hard....

[DoggyBonz]

Thanks - it is hard and I want to do the right thing but am scared. But, if I don't then I may lose the trust that I have built up and in the end that would be worse. It's just tough knowing that the panic is there and that I have the security of the meds.

[theave]

Hi DoggyBonz - it's a really hard thing to do, to give up a stockpile of meds. I got rid of some when I was suicidal and told my OH, but still didn't tell him everything. The rest I returned to the pharmacy when I left the UK. I felt that was the right time; though since then I now have a bit of a stockpile building up again and although I feel quite safe now, I don't feel ready to give them up - it is a safety net. But it sounds like your T is good and is helping to keep you safe - so it might be good if you can tell them about the extra meds? Take good care.

[darkrunner]

Please talk to your T about this. Maybe it would help to talk about your fears, instead of focusing on the extra meds. I know you said your T already knows about it, but sometimes talking about it can really help.
Could you schedule extra sessions during the time you have a lot of downtime? I'm sure you and your T can figure out a way for you to get through this.
Def. talk to your T about the meds. It is in your best interest to be totally honest. Because that is the way your T will be able to help you the best.