[jexa]

never mind

HOpe you are okay.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))
We are listening when/if you are ready to share.

[lily99]

((((((((((jexa))))))))))
hello, I think I read your original post jexa... I'm sorry i didn't reply. tbh I wonder the same thing as you. Hope you're ok

[jexa]

I guess I deleted bc I feel guilty for needing support when I haven't been offering it to others. I've been so tired lately but I could at least give some hugs to others. I read this board every day and I haven’t been replying.

But I'm going to spill, anyway, and maybe I'll try to be more supportive around here.

Feel like I don’t love anyone anymore. Feel like I don’t care when people talk to me, don’t care about what they’re going through, though I try and try to care, to show interest. I feel false, and distant. When did this part of me die? There used to be a part of me, that cared so deeply, loved fully. Now I live far away.

Maybe it's the breakup. But I was gone before that ended. I don't know where this comes from, when it began or when it will end.

My sister calls me selfish and self-obsessed. I don't ask her much about her life because she's a junkie and I can't watch her kill herself anymore. But it’s true that all I can do lately is berate myself and analyze my issues. And here, I am doing it again. I hate this. Feel like there’s no way out. Feel like my heart is defective. Feel like someone should hurt me, punish me for not caring enough. I don’t know where my head is. Always on autopilot, stuck inside.

T can’t fix my defective heart.

jexa

I actually had to take a break from PC for a bit, too - sometimes, it can all be overwhelming, and we each have to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. If that means that you don't feel like you have much to give to others right now, that's okay - keep that support and love for yourself, hold it close, and feel it. T will support you, too, as we all will - you have come far, and you will get through this. This, too, shall pass...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Oh Jexa, it sounds as if you are going deep into defensive mode. At least these are things I feel when I am getting overwhelmed.
If you can lay this out before yr T (or pdoc if you have one who is useful), or other wise friend, you might be able to formulate a plan to reduce yr stress at least enough to get some air. Please take care of yourself.

wishing you peace SAWE

Is it like a feeling of emotional numbness? I know when I am feeling overwhelmed, it is hard to support others. That is why I like this place because there is usually at least one person who can give you some support when you need it.

It is okay if you are not feeling supportive around here right now, we don't keep track! It is sort of a give and take and it is okay to take when you need to. You have been supportive to me in the past, so I offer some of that back to you.

[jexa]

Thanks everyone... I don't know if this is emotional numbing. I do have feelings. I feel really frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious, stressed. Emotions aren't numb; they're actually overwhelming me right now. But I don't have feelings for other people anymore. I test it. I imagine bad things happening to the people I supposedly love and I feel nothing. I think of others' pain and I feel no sadness. My empathy is gone. My love is gone. I'm in my head and nowhere else.

I told my other sister this (not the one who called me selfish), and she said she had noticed this - that it had been that way for a while but she didn't think I was aware of it. But I am.

Can T give me back the ability to love and care for others? I want to be a T someday, this is not like me. This is not like me.

VENT WARNING:

Maybe it's just because things have been so godd**n hard. SAWE, I think you're right that I'm in defense mode. I've been going through a lot but still getting to work and getting through each day. I first started having bad OCD symptoms and some depression that drove my live-in BF crazy in May, after I started my very first "adult job." Due to my issues, we broke up in August, but he didn't move out for a month. Then he moved out, and my sister and her boyfriend moved in, and she's bipolar and went off her meds bc of side effects - she's doing pretty well considering, but she is not exactly stable. And her bf gets on my nerves. Then my ex was always coming around, and things between us are so weird. My boundaries aren't set so I flip from being too flexible with them to completely ignoring him. We've had sex a few times since we broke up and it always throws me into a tailspin. Then my sister the junkie got evicted from her apartment and moved in with me and is sleeping on my couch. She was always a bully and says many terrible things to me, and has recently hit me/pulled my hair for mentioning her drug problem. Then my ex needed a place to stay for a while, so he slept on the air mattress in the living room for a few weeks and just moved out. On top of all of this my OCD stuff is still going on, and I'm working on my social phobia and trying to get out more, and I have only one friend to talk to, and he's having a tough time too, and my ex was once my best friend and now things are so weird, and my job is really stressful, and I'm moving out of my apartment this month, and I am not answering the debt collector phone calls I've been getting. The only support in my life is my T, and everyone here, and I feel guilty all the time for being so needy, so even depending on the supports I have is stressful.

So.

I don't know, maybe my reaction is understandable.

Originally Posted by jexa

I don't know, maybe my reaction is understandable.

THERE you go. Yes, it is totally understandable. We are in hard situations, we get overwhelmed, we react. And then we take a step back (like you're doing) and we start to look at what's going on and where to go from here.

I have SO been in that emotionally numb place. I hate it, and it feels like it will last forever, but it won't.

You are in a hard spot right now. I only have time for a quick reply, but I wanted to send hugs

[wonderingmary]

Originally Posted by jexa

I don't know, maybe my reaction is understandable.

Yes, your reaction is very understandable, very human. You have an awful lot of stuff going on in your life right now to deal with. You need to devote your energies to taking care of it, to taking care of yourself. It would be amazing if right now you had any energy left for empathy for anyone else. Give it all to yourself for a while. Then, when things get better for you, I think the empathy for others will come back naturally. It's just temporarily on hold while you need to devote your efforts to dealing with your own life.