[Abby]

I'm back in that place where i don't 'get' therapy. I don't fully understand how it works or what exactly i'm doing week after week. I think i feel like this because of my session today. We talked about lots of different things in session but i knew something was up when i came out the session and said out loud (to myself) 'well that was absolutely pointless'. It is hard to pinpoint why i felt it was pointless because it wasn't as though we sat and looked at each other not having a clue what to say! (and it came as a complete surprise hearing myself say that because i didn't really feel it was pointless - if you get what i mean).

Maybe i feel this way because i've come away from yet another session not feeling any closer to anything positive. And that is hard to deal with esp. at the moment because i'm stuck in a depression funk,trying to cope with fluctuating emotions through self medicatinng (and it gets tiring!!).

Or maybe it is because i felt unsure about a lot of the questions she was asking, or statments she was making (in a therapist 'it sounds like......' type way). I can't tell you what i feel/think because i fluctuate with my mood. Sure, i can tell you about my mask but it wouldn't be me. So when she says things, i'm like 'yes, no, maybe, it depends'. Which she very much understands and we do talk about it as she tells me sometimes she trys to find the words to explain things that i can't but can find it just as hard to find the words too. This is nice to hear because it shows she 'gets' it, but kinda worrisome because i need her to find the words! Sometimes I find it completely frustrating because i'm left feeling like i'm not sure what is going on. I find it so hard to keep my train of thought in therapy, sometimes i cannot remember what i said 5 minutes ago! I don't get why, it isn't always dissociation.

I'm trying to 'get in touch with my emotions' but we went nowhere near them today so i'm confused. I only have a session per week, i feel i am contending with so much hell during the week and then going to these sessions to try and 'get better' but it isn't really equating out as being overly worth it. I'm not sure what i'm trying to elude to here, other than that i am very tired and days are very long.

[writingwithink]

Sorry you're having such difficulty. What do you do independent of T to help? Journaling? Art? Long walks of self contemplation? Etc? I find for myself that most of the work is done by me alone, in-between appointments, using the T only as a expert resource and guide. Maybe that will change, but I can't even begin to explain the things I've come to discover myself. I'm sure that doesn't really help you much. The interesting thing is that I've just returned to therapy after an 8-year break, and I believe where I am in my life right now (tired of not having it together) is playing a huge part in the progress I make between sessions.

[Abby]

Thanks writingwithink (good name, why?). I do journal but it is hit and miss as i find i write so well in my head but when i come to write it down because it is by hand it takes so long to write i have such difficulties making it all make sense! I can't do art tbh, and long walks.....well my life is one long walk by myself (), and i do use some for self contemplation but it is a difficult balance between my mask and me (if you understand). I absolutely agree most of the work must be done by me, i'm finally (!!) in that place where i understand that but if i get into negative loops of thought then there is no stopping where i end up, and i feel so darn hopeless afterwards. I'm beyond the point where i think i can will myself out of this, but i am willing to make small changes and 'see' things differently. I don't know really, i don't have to deal with much tbh in comparison to most people on this forum, but my mind seems so alien to me.....i feel i'm living with a stranger most of the time. I hate feeling split in two. Thanks for your thoughts, they do help!

[deliquesce]

dissociating through the therapy hour sucks! one small change i have found that has helped me is to say "i'm not following you anymore" and then T can work to ground me again and we can recap where we left off. sometimes he will write things down for me too.

i am wondering if some small, tangible goals might help you feel as if you are moving forwards? for me, i always fall back on - sleeping better, doing a bit of exercise, making sure i eat. i know these aren't the end goals of therapy itself, but it does feel good if i can ask T to help me monitor this & then i can go in the following week and say "yes! i did it" or he can help me figure out strategies to make it work better the following week.

you mentioned you are self medicating. i dont know if this is something that has started only recently or if it's a chronic problem for you (e.g., my self injury used to be chronic but now it only happens when i get stressed). so i was wondering if putting numbers to how much you're doing now, and how much you would like to be doing in a week (less, hopefully!) would help you feel a sense of achievement?

when i get mega depressed my goals surround things like - brush my teeth, brush my hair, shower, eat at least one 'meal' (of toast) etc. your goals don't have to be huge, but they need to be something where you can feel like you accomplished something at the end of the day?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Abby

I only have a session per week, i feel i am contending with so much hell during the week and then going to these sessions to try and 'get better' but it isn't really equating out as being overly worth it. I'm not sure what i'm trying to elude to here, other than that i am very tired and days are very long.

oh Abby, I just have to hug you. I feel like I could have written those sentences myself. I don't have any answers for you but you aren't alone. I guess it's part of the process? I don't know, my brain is tired and my heart hurts, but I wanted to leave you a quick message anyway