[Melbadaze]

I'm all over the place at the moment, going from one crisis to another. I wrote T an email saying its not fair that I'm expected to come and play happy families when shes not family and becuase of the nature of the relationship there will be a time when shes not there.

I know T has always said shes there for ever long it takes, but still, she replied saying, yes it is unfair, gggrrr number uno! But then she said that its not that she maynot be there at some point in the future, its that she is there now and its risk to feel feelings toward her incaae she humiliates me like my mother did.

I feel resistant to that, but I also see how I am always jumping the here and now, where the real feelings can be, and where I can have T, and make it about sometime in the future...make it about what may not be there instead of what is here....I can write this, but I cant trust life enought to remain in the here and now, to feel T being there now..its always about tomorrow and what may happen, ggggrrr number 2.

[Melbadaze]

Its not "there" if we dissociate it...thats the problem...I aint stupid.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I can write this, but I cant trust life enought to remain in the here and now, to feel T being there now..its always about tomorrow and what may happen, ggggrrr number 2.

You will be able to though, Melbadaze. You are a smart cookie.

[zooropa]

oh wow, melb, I can relate to this SO MUCH. I know there will be a time in the future when T is not there, that's the nature of the relationship. Because of that I use that as almost an excuse to avoid feeling what's going on NOW, to avoid dealing with things NOW, when she IS there.

It's the fear of abandonment, that's part of it. But I also have a way of using it to deflect from the real issue of whatever's going on in the here and now. I know that, but it's so hard NOT to. I am wasting the time I DO have with T being freaked out thinking about the future time when I won't have her, instead of using this time to work on my ****.

[peaches100]

Melbadaze,

I also completely relate to what you've written. I often feel that my fear of future termination keeps me from being able to benefit from my t's presence now. It's a defense mechanism to keep us from getting hurt, and is SOOO SOOO difficult to get past.

[Melbadaze]

Having feelings for someone precious is creating a kind of mania in me at the moment....its like the realization of what it is to feel something for someone is knocking on my shoulder but when I feel it, its like it then gets chased away by anger....it sort of grows in my chest and then I have to suffocate it....and go back to my safe depressive state where I dont have to fear rejection or loss...I said to T today that when I feel it its more than just saying "I'm afraid of Loss" beause I have lost once and T nodded yes and I said I dont want a sticky plaster put on it....I feel very fast inside and then I go numb and than I go fast again....its like the battle of feelng love and feeling loss of that love is battling within me...friday I for the first time ever had a visiual migraine with the headache...all I could see was zig zag lines...todays session was very disjointed....I felt like a hamster having its tail held and I just want to run...keep moving...I don't know how to just feel the love...its gonna take alot of practise to remain calm enought to allow the love to become consious....a sword fight like in pirates of the carribean..."take that loss, no you take that love" the sound of swords clashing,.