I see T this evening, and it's a good thing, because I feel like this sadness that I've had inside me for so long, that's been pretty well buried until our recent work uncovered it, is so near the surface and is ready to be let out. Last week, I talked to T about how I was sure that I'd let it all out after reading her my letters, but I didn't because I wanted to see T's reaction to the letters. This morning, the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks - good thing I'm home today with a migraine, which may also be allowing these emotions to be more at the forefront. I went back to sleep for 3 hours after crying for an hour, thinking about what I want to happen at tonight's session.

As far as the sadness, I think a lot of you can relate to it - it's a deep longing to be comforted and nurtured that I feel like I didn't get as a child. But part of that sadness is also giving up the hope that my mother will ever change and will give that to me - it's never going to happen, as she continues to prove, even with our limited contact now. T understood this first part before I did, she asked me last week if the sadness was a longing, and I didn't know how to answer that. But now I realize that T is right (as she usually is!). I've had this sadness, this ache, to be comforted for so long, it's so deep.

I want to go in there, explain to T what this sadness is, and tell T that I feel like it's time to let it out. But before I can let it out, I need to feel completely safe with T. I'm going to ask T to sit next to me, I don't like the idea of T sitting across from me and staring at me while I bawl like a baby. And I like the idea of T being close to me, I'm scared of being alone with this sadness when I let it out - it's so strong, I don't know what it's going to feel like or look like or sound like - so I really have to put a lot of trust in T.

I did tell T that I have a fantasy of her holding me while I break down and cry - I'm sure we'll discuss that more today, too. The truth is that of course I want T to really hold me and comfort me while I cry, it's something I've always wanted since I was little but never got... but I don't know if T will really do it, and I'm scared of being rejected. But I need to know one way or the other before I let it all out. I think I'll understand if T says no to that, but I do think that T will most likely agree to sit next to me on the couch.

I'm nervous, scared, sad and hopeful.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( BIG HUGS TO YOU )))) SO hard...and SO painful. I am glad that you're ready and hope that you will feel some relief. Healing hurts. You are so brave.

[theave]

I really hope it goes well for you this evening. Take care x

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear dreamseeker,

You have worked so hard to get to the place you are now. Take it as it comes, let yr T be your guide. I will say a prayer for you too.

Thanks, all - my migraine is much better, thank goodness, but I'm feeling extremely nervous now. I'd better get in the shower, less than 2 hours until my session! I'll update later tonight.

[mixedup_emotions]

Looking forward to your update later tonight!!!

Dreamer,

I hope tonight goes well, it is such a hard subject, I hope you can have some feeling of healing from this.

Do you know what it is you are grieving or what the sadness exactly is from ?

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Dreamer,

I hope tonight goes well, it is such a hard subject, I hope you can have some feeling of healing from this.

Do you know what it is you are grieving or what the sadness exactly is from ?

Thanks, Exotic - I'll post in a separate thread on how it went - really well at first, and then a really confusing ending to the session!

I think I'm grieving the idea of letting go of the hope that my mother will never give me the comfort and nurturing that I always craved from her. The sadness is this deep ache, a longing to feel comforted, loved, cared for, nurtured. I realized tonight that the sadness is also from confusion on why wasn't I good enough for my mother to give it to me, why couldn't she meet my needs?