[crystalrose]

most T and pdoc will have boundaries set. Some don't tell you until it comes up but others tell you very clearly strait away. I'm not very good with some boundaries. I often try to get the T to break the boundaries for me. Why do you think that i do this? You can be honest just not harsh or rude. Thanks.

Hi ((((((((((((crystalrose))))))))))))))))

I think that sometimes I push against T's boundaries to make sure they are there. I had a counselor with NO boundaries when I was in high school, and it did a lot of damage and kept me from trying therapy for YEARS.

I went through a phase in therapy when I asked T for EVERYTHING under the sun - could I put on his glasses? could I go through his desk? could we go for a walk outside? etc etc etc etc. At the time, it felt playful, but I think it was just a way to make sure I was safe. When I asked for something I couldn't have, T gently told me "no", I didn't get in trouble, and we moved on. I think there were a lot of lessons in that for me, and it went a long way towards helping me feel safe.

Other boundaries we had to navigate together...I am the first client who has used e-mail, so we had to kind of "discover" the boundaries. And he has never, EVER given me guidelines on calling on the weekend....I've only done it once or twice and he's never said anything about it...but somehow, even when I've come out and just ASKED HIM "can I call you on the weekend" it seems like I get some kind of weird, circular answer. That's frustrating.

How about you, crystalrose?? Why do you feel like you need to push the boundaries??

[susierose]

Im not sure, but we talked about boundaries in therapy yesterday. Some of the group wanted to know whats is expectable or not in therapy. I myself am scared of getting to close to my therapist. I look at her some times as a mother figure and want her to hold me, and that is not what she would do. dont know if i make sence if not sorry. I hope you get the answers you need.

[moonrise]

Boundaries are wonderful things. They give us a safe place to explore, while knowing what is and isn't allowed. Like kids, we test them because we need to know what we can do and what we can't. Otherwise the world is too big, too scary.

Why do we test and push? Because that's how we find out where the boundaries are. Or perhaps we want to see if our T's care about us enough to be firm with them.

[out2009]

Crystalros I totally have the same issue. I look at my T as a motherly figure or even a friend, and it's difficult to know that she can never be that. I kind of try to be creativeto try to find out her boundries. It seems that T's are so different with what's ok and what's not ok. But I do feel like I'm wanting to find out what they are all the time too.

[ECHOES]

What comes up when you ask yourself "If I try to get T to cross a boundary, and T does that, then (that means/I feel)...."

I think one idea is about wanting to feel special. If I am special then T will set aside the boundary. Then there are degrees: T will set aside the boundary this time, or all the time.

I think another idea is about control. If T sets aside a boundary at our urging, then who is in control.. It may delight the patient to feel in control and it may frighten the patient to feel in control (and that if this is true, then T is not in control). This is also about separateness, which can be very hard to accept, especially when the desire to merge with T is there.

It's complex!

Have you and T talked about this, crystalrose?

[Melbadaze]

for me its that the only way i could get anything as a child, abeit negatively even, was to try and force people to do something...i never had the experiemce of getting something spomtainously or freely...i Always felt i had to control the person...to force them across the threshold...Of corse it didn't help because it wasn't freely given....i think if you can sit with the boundaRies and then if and when T freely relaxs them or alters them of his/Her own accord...your feel much better....its fear of not getting enough i think..more than needing to feel specIal...