Ok. So, I e-mailed T and asked (in the magic words that he likes) for him to respond. This was yesterday around noon. He didn't respond. I left a message this morning and told him that I was scared we were heading into our typical rupture pattern: I feel safe, old stuff comes up, something happens between me and T, rupture happens, we deal with rupture instead of old stuff that has come up. We know it always happens that way, but we don't know why.

I feel like T keeps screwing up...just little things, but little things that add up. It could be that he is SO comfortable with me that he lets his guard down and isn't as vigilant about things and so mistakes are made (nothing big - just missed e-mails, scheduling screw-ups, etc). Or it could be that he is just BEYOND sick of me and is either purposely or, more likely, subconsciously pushing me away. I don't know.

If I don't hear from him before my session, I am not going. I will still pay, because it's less than 24 hours notice, so it won't affect T in any major way. If he's not going to keep up his end of the deal (following through when he says that he will schedule me for an appointment, return an e-mail, whatever) then I am not going to keep up my end of the deal (showing up for the session I am scheduled for). Whatever. **** him.

I'm just going to take a klonopin and try to put it out of my mind. I want to not care.

I think you are making this an issue when it really doesn't need to be. This doesn't need to be a rupture unless you make it one. You don't know that your t doesn't have a very good reason that he hasn't replied. You should at least find that out before presuming he's sick of you and trying to get rid of you. You are jumping to conclusions. Go to your session. That is the adult way to handle this. You are angry and not thinking straight. I know I may sound harsh, but I care and I this is just how I see it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I can understand your frustration. But I agree with farmergirl that you should go to your session to address this. Otherwise, you are only hurting yourself by letting this eat away at you. Express to T how you are feeling and perhaps that will avoid a rupture...

I do know that if someone else had written my post and I was responding to them, I would tell them to go to their session.

But T and I have had a LOT of ruptures. I've never actually skipped a session before. I always, always, always do the grown up thing and show up. I ALWAYS do.

I am sick opening myself up and being vulnerable and getting hurt and working through it and opening myself up and being vulnerable and getting hurt and working through it. I'm not even saying it's T, now that I think about it. It could be 100% ME doing all of this. It doesn't matter if it's him or if it's me. I don't care about placing blame. I just want it to stop.

[theave]

It gets very wearing having to be reasonable all the time, doesn't it? I wish at times I could weep and wail and demand what I need, but that's just not my character - but it does get frustrating.

But I hope you can make it to your session later, if only to talk about your feelings about the unanswered email. Take care.

Every once in a while in therapy, I get to a point where I feel like "okay, this is it, therapy is OVER"...but it's never happened, I've always managed to work through it with T and continue on.

This is one of those points. Maybe it's over. I feel horrible.

T responded:

Hey treehouse - you are certainly not "in trouble" what so ever. You reached out very appropriately with no consequences. We are good. I will see you this afternoon.

Originally Posted by treehouse

T responded:

Hey treehouse - you are certainly not "in trouble" what so ever. You reached out very appropriately with no consequences. We are good. I will see you this afternoon.

Tree, sounds like a reassuring response. I hope you go see T today!

I really don't understand why this would make it "over". He didn't reply to an email, so it is over? Come on now. You are taking this way out of proportion. You will work through this and move on with your therapy. This doesn't have to be the rupture you are making it to be. You said earlier "mistakes are made (nothing big)." You know this isn't a big deal. It's just a mistake. Do you expect perfection from your t? I know you don't. You have been triggered and are feeling panicked and rejected. That's OLD stuff. That's what you need your t for. Go to your session and keep on working.

Originally Posted by treehouse

T responded:

Hey treehouse - you are certainly not "in trouble" what so ever. You reached out very appropriately with no consequences. We are good. I will see you this afternoon.

See there. Sometimes people don't respond to e-mails on OUR timeline. That doesn't mean they don't care.

I KNOW that this is totally tied into old stuff. Obviously. I just mean that I don't know if I have the willingness to deal with old crap anymore. I just want it to be OVER.

And after I hit send it flashed into my mind what my flashbacks were about yesterday. crappy crappy crappy crappy csa **** that I don't want to deal with EVER EVER EVER. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

So if therapy is over, I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to do it, Ever

i don't want to go today

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

And after I hit send it flashed into my mind what my flashbacks were about yesterday. crappy crappy crappy crappy csa **** that I don't want to deal with EVER EVER EVER. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

So if therapy is over, I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to do it, Ever

i don't want to go today

I am with you....My T said something to me last week about a certain topic being an area that I have put off as long as I could and that I've talked about other traumatic experiences with much greater willingness than this. I told him that I feel as though I don't want to do it anymore.

He said, the nice thing is that we can make those decisions same or different on any given day. Choosing not to deal with something can be an important decision, but it leaves us with unfinish business which still impacts us. So, we can put it off, but it doesn't let us forget it.

You can choose not to deal with it today. And that's ok. Remember that you can decide what to talk about and what not to talk about.

Tell your t you don't want to do the trauma work today. That's okay. Work on something else instead. Sometimes we just need to do that.

[mixedup_emotions]

I also wanted to add that I also KNOW OH SO WELL about wanting to skip sessions. I want to skip group T tonight. I wanted to skip my individual session with T last week. It just creates so much anxiety for me sometimes, triggers so many feelings. A sick feeling at times, too. I sometimes wonder if I didn't go, if it would all just go away. Perhaps, but it leaves us broken...and our goal is to be whole.

At this point, I struggle with accepting broken. It feels easier. So, I know what you're going through. ((( HUGS )))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

that I don't want to deal with EVER EVER EVER.

So don't. Go and accuse him of skipping his mindreading classes, obviously he has been playing hooky. very seriously, you can just go and do what someone else on PC might need to do - just draw near to a kind, well balanced, caring person like you'd sit near a fireplace, and get your bones warmed. T cares for you. Go and have some of that.
Just for you dear Tree house!!!

(((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you, I know your T cares. I think I would resend the email or call him, there may be a reason you haven't heard from him, this doesn't sound like him not to respond.

I think that my fear of being in trouble is total transference from the day this event happened to me. I came home and was eating soup in the kitchen and my mom was being NICE, which never ever ever happened, and I was 8 and I remember even at the time watching myself eat the soup from high up in the corner of the room. I was SO SCARED that I was going to get in trouble because I knew what had happened was NOT OKAY, not even a little bit okay. And my mom being nice made it that much scarier.

So it makes the sense- have the flashbacks, get scared of getting in trouble (I guess that was even kind of an emotional flashback,like melba said).

But what to do with this? I KNOW I HAVE TO GO AND WORK THROUGH IT.

had to delete
I'm sorry

Good job Treehouse. I know that was really difficult for you to write. Telling our stories slowly starts taking some of the sting out of them with time.

Remember, you did nothing wrong. He did. As a child, you thought you would get in trouble. But you are an adult now. Remember that you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame. You won't get in trouble for what happened if you tell your story.

Good work.

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear little treehouse

breathe now. that time is far far away from you, that person can't hurt you any more. I wish I could offer you a cup of tea and sit with you for a while (just silent is fine), but I'll be with you from here.

[billieJ]

Tree - I'm delighted that your T responded to you. I hope this reassures you. Having been on both sides of the fence to some extent [psych SW and then patient], I understand how differently time passes for each party. For the helping person, one day seems about 45 minutes long. To the one waiting on help or response, the same day seems like 100 years. T's and so forth, tend to get so caught up in the government regulations of keeping their offices open and caught up in their multiple patients, that it's mind boggling. Don't stop therapy. This was just a misunderstanding. billieJ

[sunrise]

Can I just say, what a creep!!!! I am so sorry you were taken advantage of by that inhuman cretin.
((((((( treehouse)))))))

Tree, I hope you can go dump this memory in your T's office. He can handle it, and you will feel better. It will be very relieving to get rid of this burden.

I'm so sorry that the creepy kid did that to you. You did nothing wrong.

Can't find any more words...

[jexa]

tree.. I read before you deleted. Please don't feel like deleting it takes away from the very brave thing you did by putting those words out there. That was just practice. It's going to take time, but I know you can bring this to T. Remember how powerful it was, when your T helped you put a box around another creep who hurt you? His hands were there to guide you to put that creep in a box, in his own jail cell, far away from you.

I know you've heard this and have probably tried to convince yourself, but it was not your fault. Oh tree I am so sorry anyone ever hurt you. These people have stolen something so precious from you.. You are so precious and never deserved to be treated this way. All these terrible feelings.. T can take the burden, T can hold it with you, shoulder it with you.. the flashbacks will recede. Think of the trauma that T processed with you, and the relief that you have found. There is hope for this memory, too. It's so hard, tree. Things have not been easy for you. It's not fair, it's NOT fair. ((((((((((tree)))))))))))))

[BlueMoon6]

((((Tree))) This should never, ever have happened to you. Your willingness to be free and let go of the badness is very, very brave. You KNOW T is your rock and your strength. He loves and cares for all of the parts of you. Your 8 yr old can feel safe with T. I know you know it. I came home late and just read through your thread and I had a thought. It was as if when T didnt call you back, he wasnt protecting you. AGAIN. You so trust him, and here it feels like you are being left unprotected again....You are having horrible flashbacks and re-experiencing this awful incident, and AGAIN you are not being protected. You are AGAIN on your own. It is no wonder this would cause a rupture. It is almost like be re-traumatized and its all T's fault!

But, Tree dear, T does care and does protect you. You were able to keep YOURSELF feeling safe enough to go to your session. You really did do it...in a BIG way.

You may have a stronger center than you think I love you, my dear, brave friend