[BlueMoon6]

I am supposed to write this letter for my thursday session with ftt. I began it this morning to see what would come up. I think a lot came up, but it was VERY difficult. I kept going blank, and my mind kept going "underwater" and I felt kind of dizzy, headachy and disoriented at times. I DID NOT expect this to happen as I tried to write. My brain doesnt want to think about her or remember her.

I am filled with feelings and memories that I seem not to be able to access. I know its there. Its as if I am looking into my mind, with all of the memories and feelings filed in a filing cabinet and when I walk over to it, I open the drawer and throw everything onto the floor and its all in a jumbled pile, no order, no dates, not organized at all and overwhelming for me to even try to dig into the pile, even though I know the information I want is in there.

I dont know what to do or where to start. I began when I was writing with how I felt (or didnt feel) at her funeral as my family (who ADORED her) asked me why I wasnt crying. My mother could put on a real show and everyone thought she was just the most loving, giving person in the world. No one would every suspect how she was with me and my brother and I was seen as a horrid little child who was mean to HER. And she pepetuated that image and undermined all of my relationships. UGH!

OK- back to the letter.......I have a few things to say.......(thanks for listening to my ramblings.....)

[rainbow8]

(((((Blue))))),

I've been thinking how awful it must have been for you as a child to have your feelings and experiences with your Mom invalidated by your other relatives. Were you close to your brother? Is he alive? Was he an ally for you when you were little? Is there NO other relative who knew what was going on, how your mother treated you? You were close to a grandmother. Did she know? It is terrible that they blamed YOU instead of your mother.

I can understand why you haven't wanted to "go there" and bring up all of the confused memories and feelings. I would suggest writing words, phrases, whatever comes to mind even if it's all jumbled up. You can turn it into a letter later, after you have your session. Probably it may take a while to access the memories you've blocked out all of these years. Be patient, and be good to yourself.

(((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))

That sounds so much like my mom-"Perfect" on the outside, total hell at home. I'm sorry

I would say just WRITE. Don't worry about sentences, topics, making sense. Write feelings, draw pictures, use crayons...do whatever FEELS right. Trauma doesn't always have a nice, neat narrative. I've seen things that my littler parts have done with T in therapy, and it's just words, pictures, angry scribbles, etc. And it's okay, and what needed to be written down right then was written down.

There is no "right" or "wrong" with this.

Just be sure to be gentle with you and take breaks as you need them

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Tree and Rainbow. Im taking a break now from this s**t. The letter is awful, so hateful. Its all coming out as anger, so Im not in touch with sadness or hurt, just rage right now. I feel like such a selfish little b**** writng all of this about a dead person. I am very aware this evening how different I am with my children than my mother was with me. I made a nice dinner and 1 of my kids didnt come right away to the table, and I had this "feeling" memory of my mother and how she would have gone on and on making herself a martyr for making dinner (I can never, ever remember her making dinnner for us), she heated up those frozen TV dinners every night. I made some kind of joke about being a martyr making dinner and they better tell me how delicious it is. I was actually, in my mind, making fun of my mother. But my kids laughed- I told them they only get 2nds if they tell me Im a great chicken-maker! OK- Im in a poking fun at my mother mood. I needed some comic relief from all of this. The letter is really angry and hateful. She undermined all of my relationships with my extended family and it is unrepairable. And she did it deliberately to make herself look good when she was abusive.

My brother is alive, he lives in LA and Im on the east coast. He has a drug problem and grown kids. We talk maybe a couple of times/year. He is somewhat abusive to me on the phone in the way my father was, so its not easy to have conversation with him. Anyway, he tells me that when he talks to me it reminds him of "that house." So, Im guessing he gets triggered by the sound of my voice.

My grandmother was my friend and she loved me, I miss her, she drank a little bit (whatever) but she loved me. She died when I was preg with my now 9 yo. She had Altzheimer's disease and at the end of her life was in a nursing home and I took care of her affairs for the 10 yrs before she died. She never knew my mother died. My mother was very mean to her and it was very upsetting to me. I was talking about that with ftt this week, too. Other people didnt have feelings to my mother, she could be mean, say what she wanted, then be nice, as if only SHE mattered.

I had forgotten all this stuff until recently. I just knew I had a disgusted feeling when it came to her. There is so much. Just so much. I will be back on the boards later. While my kids are calm and playing I'll write some more. This whole thing makes me dizzy and makes my head hurt...but at the same time, it feels good to get it OUT!

[Sannah]

Moon, how wonderful that you can make jokes! Making jokes can be very helpful I think! I'm glad that you had your grandmother!

Yeah, it does sound like your brother gets triggered..........

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Moon, how wonderful that you can make jokes! Making jokes can be very helpful I think! I'm glad that you had your grandmother!

Yeah, it does sound like your brother gets triggered..........

I surprised myself that I was making jokes. I was tired of the letter and tired of thinking about my mother. I was angry, but the way she was just, at that moment, seemed absurd to me, how she would have made a BIG deal over doing something for her children and expected BIG praise. And would GLOW in the praise she expected from us. I guess it seemed so absurd that I played the role to my kids and they got the joke (not knowing I was poking fun at my mother).

My grandmother was sweet, as I remember, but also abused by my mother. I feel sorry for her, but she is gone now.

[Sannah]

Well, I think your humor is great!