[googley]

I miss my T. I don't have another apt scheduled until mid January. I was able to schedule an appointment this week but now I am feeling like I have all this stuff opened up and nowhere to go with it. And the session was good but one thing was weird for me. T said she was really glad that I called. (I hadn't seen her since mid November.) She seemed kind of surprised that I hadn't called. But I told her that since there wasn't an emergency I hadn't called. She didn't really reply to that. I didn't quite know what to make of her comments. She seemed to expect me to call. She told me to feel free to call her between now and our next apt. Saying she would be available even while on vacation. It made me feel weird. I definitely wouldn't contact her while she was on vacation. This is the first time we have taken any type of extended break as I haven't been seeing her that long. I don't know if this makes sense and I don't really know what I am trying to say. I'm just feeling disconnected but not to the point of wanting or needing to contact T but also trying to figure out what she was thinking when I saw her.

It's amazing now much time we all seem to spend trying to read our own and each other's T's minds! But here goes: maybe she was thinking that you don't need to wait until it's an emergency before you call? Maybe it's OK to just need someone to talk to? I see your mood indicator at the moment is 'lonely'...for me that is kind of like home base..and I seldom allow myself any relief from it by calling someone. Maybe your T would just be happy to see you do something nice for yourself, like calling or scheduling an appointment to talk about "all this stuff opened up" ??

Those are my best guesses

[WePow]

I am starting to think Ts know that this holiday season is very hard on many of us. I was at a nuclear breakdown Thursday night after session. Was not going to see T until next year as well. But he is going to come into his office early this Monday just to see me. Your T saying to phone her even when she is resting on holiday - well that is a very big heart. I did think we were like cars lined up for an oil change. But after T did this for me - and reading what you wrote about your T - I think they actually care deeply about their clients.

As for the disconnect thing, maybe it is like what I have right now. I do NOT WANT to see T on Monday - or ever ever again for that matter of fact. But the reason is because I have been picking up on things he is not doing to hurt me - just normal human interaction stuff - and I personalize it and internalize it. But I am doing it to emotionally force myself away from him. I know I need T - esp right now with trauma work. But it makes me mad at myself and I feel like a wimp. I logically know that is NOT the case and he told me so too. But it does not stop me from putting up my defenses when it comes to him.