[mixedup_emotions]

Lately, I've been flooded with so many memories of past situations.

I've managed to keep the major things tucked away because I know I'm not ready to deal with them in T. The last time those feelings/memories were brought to the surface in T, I was experiencing massive panic attacks, missed a lot of work, shut myself off to the world and sunk into a major depression - time and time again. It was so hard to get out of, until I was able to "put it away" again.

But the little memories....soooo many of them....I feel as though they are trapped inside me and I don't know what to do with them...

I'm wondering if talking about them in T would allow me to get some relief...but I am too scared to explore the feelings associated with them. I don't want to journal it, because I don't want to even get it down on paper.

I just feel so disgusted by it all...

I'm disgusted with the things that happened...and I keep trying to figure out how I attracted that kind of stuff to happen to me...Some of it, I know I am not to blame. But with other instances, I feel as though I must've played a key role - because those things just don't happen to 'just anybody'....

UGH. It just makes me sick.

[pegasus]

Hugs

I think it would be good for you to explore this in therapy when you feel ready. I think you will find that, even for the things that you feel responsible for are not your your fault either. I don't know your particular circumstances but if what happened to you happened during childhood, a child cannot ever be blamed. Of course that 'feeling' that you are to blame comes from the past and how you were made to feel at the time.

Discussing this in therapy will be uncomfortable but ultimately you will be able to put the blame/disgust fairly and squarely on the right person.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hugs

I think it would be good for you to explore this in therapy when you feel ready. I think you will find that, even for the things that you feel responsible for are not your your fault either. I don't know your particular circumstances but if what happened to you happened during childhood, a child cannot ever be blamed. Of course that 'feeling' that you are to blame comes from the past and how you were made to feel at the time.

Discussing this in therapy will be uncomfortable but ultimately you will be able to put the blame/disgust fairly and squarely on the right person.

Thanks.....

I guess the "when you're ready" part is the important piece...I remember my T saying not long ago that he feels as though my need to talk about certain things will probably come before I feel ready to. I guess it's because my resistance is so strong, and it ends up festering...building and building - until I either crash, put it away again, or let it out. All the options are awful, if you ask me...but intellectually, I know that letting it out is the only way that promotes healing.

I just now realized how these memories were triggered....it was by my T referring to my ex as a "predator" a couple weeks ago.

UGH.

It all makes sense now. The unexplained anxiety and anger I was feeling the day after that session with T....The mind racing and not being able to fall asleep.....To being so exhausted that I can pass out at night - but then wake up wayyyy too early (like 3:30 AM today)....and now the memories...It's all making sense.

I hate this.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I just now realized how these memories were triggered....it was by my T referring to my ex as a "predator" a couple weeks ago.
I hate this.

Ugggg... I had that happen last week with T and it also set me off emotionally into a spiral. It is a very hard thing to process when the one we loved was actually an abuser. :-(

For me, trauma work has been very difficult. So with the memories I usually end us sending email to T with all the details as I am being flooded by them. Thankfully he is allowing me to do that as a part of the therapy process - and it is really helping me through the situation. Maybe you can ask your T about that? I never expect him to respond - but there are times when he gives me just a little word like "You are doing great." and it helps me make it through another night of flashbacks.

Good news is once memories are fully processed, that is it. Thats what T told me! :-)

((((((((((MUE)))))))))

I'm so sorry.

For me, when memories are really pushing at me like that, it means that it's time for me to try talking about them to T. I used to write things down to bring to him because it was too hard to open my mouth to say stuff...now I am usually able to tell him what I need to tell him.

I remember the first time I wrote down something that happened to me as a child. It was terrifying, and while he read it, I went in the bathroom and just sat on the floor in the corner. I thought I was going to die. But I didn't die, and I forced myself to walk back in the room, and T still accepted me. I KNOW how hard it is.

Sometimes T will get me to just say ONE WORD about the trauma. And even that provides a teeny bit of relief. Sometimes I will draw pictures. I have written things down in his office and not even shown them to him....he has me write them down just to get them out of my head, and we put them in my box, and he doesn't have to read them until I am ready. We've gone on field trips to the shredder down the hall to make things go away when I feel like I can't bear to have it on a piece of paper anywhere.

I guess my point is, if it is pushing at you that hard, it will probably give you some relief to just start processing it with T. There are lots of different ways to do it. And if it's too hard, you can talk about not being able to talk about it. I think I've led into ALL of my trauma work that way, and I'm actually at that point right now with my 8 year old stuff that I can't talk about.

Hang in there, MUE. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to keep moving forward to get there.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you.....

I guess it's just bad timing too.....My next individual session is on Christmas Eve, and I just don't think it's a good time to be letting all this out....I am too afraid that it will affect my daughter's first Christmas with her parents divorced...and the winter break that we will have together.

UGH.

It's good to know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel....just hope it's not a train coming my way....

[purple_fins]

I'm disgusted with the things that happened....and I keep trying to figure out how I attracted that kind of stuff to happen to me...Some of it, I know I am not to blame. But with other instances, I feel as though I must've played a key role - because those things just don't happen to 'just anybody'....

I read somewhere that one that has been abused is VERY likely to be abused again by other people. Not that it WILL happen, just that it's likely.
About you feeling disgusted and feeling you had a part in some of it...... I don't know your past but let's say you were an adult when some of it happened..... that still doesn't mean it was your fault. You could have been so "programmed" for being abused that that's all you knew and acted accordingly.(that's my case, anyway) One in this situation is just acting on sort-of like "learned behavior". One has to unlearn such things before they can truly be held accountable.(IMO)
I don't think "blame" is going to be of any help in progressing. You are most surely a different person now than you were back then-- maybe holding on to that, knowing you won't steer yourself in that direction again-- will help you to not feel bad about yourself.

---- I could be way off here as I'm not familiar with your past, so if I am please disregard---
I hope whatever your past, you find peace and healing.

best to you
purple fins