Ok, I am SO done with the holidays now.

I am out of town (at my inlaws) and I just want to be home. The holidays were happy and also hard. Had to deal with my family of origin, which is really hard for me, but I made it through okay. Left the day after Christmas to come to my inlaws (about 6 hours from home) and have been here since. We leave on the 30th (my birthday - blah). On our drive, we have to drive through the town I lived in as a child when the first CSA happened Ugh. H said something really mean to me on the way here about PTSD and I think it's just sinking in, and I need to process it with T. And H was sick all day and didn't want to be alone so I sat in the bedroom all day with him today trying to help him feel better. Just lots of things piling up.

I NEED t. I need someone to take care of me. I don't know how to get my needs met in real life. Sometimes I do...but the farther away I get from a T appointment, the harder it is. I guess because with T I can practice asking to have my needs met, and then he meets them, and I feel braver and can apply it in real life. I thought I was getting good at doing that, actually, but I think my coping skills are bottoming out. I haven't done anything unhealthy, but I'm close. Well, I have a tooth that needs a root canal that I have painkillers for...I am trying to be really careful with them, but I always suspect myself of being unhealthy with them, even when I am really in pain (like now!).

I hope that I get home in time to see T on Wednesday, or I will have to wait until Monday to see him. I really REALLY feel like I need some support.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Ok, I am SO done with the holidays now.

I am out of town (at my inlaws) and I just want to be home. The holidays were happy and also hard. Had to deal with my family of origin, which is really hard for me, but I made it through okay. Left the day after Christmas to come to my inlaws (about 6 hours from home) and have been here since. We leave on the 30th (my birthday - blah). On our drive, we have to drive through the town I lived in as a child when the first CSA happened Ugh. H said something really mean to me on the way here about PTSD and I think it's just sinking in, and I need to process it with T. And H was sick all day and didn't want to be alone so I sat in the bedroom all day with him today trying to help him feel better. Just lots of things piling up.

I NEED t. I need someone to take care of me. I don't know how to get my needs met in real life. Sometimes I do...but the farther away I get from a T appointment, the harder it is. I guess because with T I can practice asking to have my needs met, and then he meets them, and I feel braver and can apply it in real life. I thought I was getting good at doing that, actually, but I think my coping skills are bottoming out. I haven't done anything unhealthy, but I'm close. Well, I have a tooth that needs a root canal that I have painkillers for...I am trying to be really careful with them, but I always suspect myself of being unhealthy with them, even when I am really in pain (like now!).

((((((((((((TREE)))))))))))))

Can I kick your H in the shins for being such an insensitive jerk? Who the hell thinks PTSD is something to be trifled with? He doesn't know anything about it, so he should shut his pie hole. People who don't know what they are talking about need to keep their opinions, jokes, and general lack of education on the subject to themselves! /rant. Really, since you sat with him all day when he was sick to make him feel better, can't your H try to make YOU feel better?? Okay, I'm better now. I'd react the same way if someone thought CSA was funny, or joked about that.

You NEED to stay away from the pain killers though, PERIOD. That's the path to nowhere.

You know what would be cool if it could happen? You could see my T for one day, and I could see your T for one day and compare notes!
SAM==

[sunrise]

treehouse, that sounds so hard.

I hope you can get home in time for a Wednesday meeting with T. Could you tell your H that is important to you and see if he can help get the family on the road early that day so you make it?

Did you say anything to your H about his mean comment?

[lily99]

(((((((((tree)))))))))

[googley]

(((((Tree)))))
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Visiting families (your own and in-laws) can be really hard. Everyone is usually squished into small places and so everyone gets on everyone's nerves. I'm sorry you are having to do this for such a long time.

As to caring for yourself, make sure you take some time out to get away. Can you take a walk even if it is just a short one around the neighborhood? Give you a chance to take a break and get some space. If there are enough other people around to know that your kids will be watched, you can just say, "I'm taking a walk, I'll be back in X amount of time." That would be you being able to take care of yourself.

Can you call T to get some support before you see him? I hope you get back on time to see him on Wednesday. When you drive back can you avoid that town (drive around or take another route?)

I'm sorry about your tooth ache.

I hope you feel better, and take gentle care of yourself.

((((((((tree)))))))))

hope you're able to find a bit of peace while you're away. sorry things are building.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( BIG HUGS ))))

So familiar to me to have my spouse be unsupportive AND deal with PTSD issues relating to CSA and other traumatic experiences....Grrrr.

I am sure your fears about missing the Wednesday appt is not helping the situation.

((( HUGS )))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

....... H said something really mean to me on the way here about PTSD and I think it's just sinking in......I have a tooth that needs a root canal that I have painkillers for.........

I'm so sorry Treehouse!
(((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))

[Melbadaze]

Tree, Being away from home and with relatives is stressful for most "normal" folks , and your not home yet, oi vey, oi vey!

[moonrise]

(((Tree)))

It's awful when H's are insensitive jerks. I tend to ruminate, too. Sometimes it can be so hard to let a cruel comment go, even after apologies.

[Brightheart]

(((((Tree)))))

All of this sounds really stressful. I agree with Melba about being away from home only adding to this. And dental pain, sick H and in-laws to boot... I hope you get some me time on your birthday tomorrow. T will be there when you return home. Hopefully on Wednesday. Take take gentle care of you.

[cai23]

((((((Tree))))))

Happy early Birthday, Tree!

I hope today goes by quickly for you, and that tomorrow is as painless as it can be on your drive home. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, so please don't get down on yourself about your coping skills. It's okay to need T, I'm certainly familiar with that!

I hope you can see T soon and be taken care of!

Thanks, you guys.

Sam, I love when you get mad at my H. It feels like "ohhhh, so THAT'S how I could/should react". I love him, but it's okay to get angry when he's a jerk. It's hard for me to understand that.

Everyone's support helps. I needed that, A LOT. I was feeling so adrift and alone.

H's comment was really mean, and really out of the blue and said in anger. It scared me because we went from happy and laughing one minute to his anger the next. I didn't see it coming, at all. Which is a really yucky PTSD thing for me too, ironically. Blah.

I almost don't think I can stand driving through the CSA town on my way home. Weirdly, LAST time we were driving home from here, I had H pull off the road and park outside of the place I lived when it happened. It was before I talked about it in therapy - right before. I wish I hadn't done that, because it's SO CLEAR in my mind now.

I just need to get through today, and then we will be driving home tomorrow. I already told H that I want to leave AT 9, and I will pack the car tonight, so hopefully, I will see T tomorrow. I REALLY need to.

I called my dentist and can't get in for my root canal until NEXT TUESDAY - a week from today. I can't make it without painkillers - and they are only taking the edge off now. Feels like playing with fire.

BLAH.

[moonrise]

Any way you could detour through the town? It might be worth leaving a bit earlier to avoid the stress and memories and such.

[VickiesPath]

Simcha:

Can I kick your H in the shins for being such an insensitive jerk? Who the hell thinks PTSD is something to be trifled with? He doesn't know anything about it, so he should shut his pie hole. People who don't know what they are talking about need to keep their opinions, jokes, and general lack of education on the subject to themselves! /rant. Really, since you sat with him all day when he was sick to make him feel better, can't your H try to make YOU feel better?? Okay, I'm better now. I'd react the same way if someone thought CSA was funny, or joked about that.

Simcha, this is by far one of the BEST RANTS I have ever read!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooo impressed!!!!


(((((((((((((( Tree )))))))))))))))

I so hope you are feeling better soon. The holidays are such a pain in the butt.

[MissCharlotte]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Ok, I am SO done with the holidays now.

Yes, me too!

I am out of town (at my inlaws)

Ughand I just want to be home. There's no place like home, is there?

On our drive, we have to drive through the town Any chance you can drive around?

I NEED t. I need someone to take care of me. I don't know how to get my needs met in real life. Yes, you do need T, but T IS real life and needing him is part of getting your needs met, so you ARE learning how to get your needs met! Good work Tree

I have also subscribed to the theory that there are a finite number of days that I can survive without seeing T. The first few days are okay, and then I begin to feel the ache. I do hope you can see T today.

I hope that I get home in time to see T on Wednesday, or I will have to wait until Monday to see him. If this happens can you have a phone session?
I really REALLY feel like I need some support.

I hope you have a safe trip home today. One thing I have done is ask the dentist's receptionist to keep my on her emergency list for cancellations and then they call if someone doesn't show up or cancels.

I think you've done a fabulous job of taking care of you and your family and it's high time T took care of you!

Happy New Year!

This is part of T's e-mail to me:

Remember to stay connected to your Self, grounded to your goodness and present to all the hard work you have done over time. I am glad that Wednesday is going to work out.

This is my reply:

"grounded to your goodness"....that is hard. I WANT to believe in my goodness I feel SO "not-good"...because I have PTSD, because I am ready for the holidays to be over...because I want to go home, I am tired of being at my inlaws. I do NOT feel "good enough", at all. I can't accept myself. I feel like somehow I took 58749350285 steps backwards. It feels horrible. I honestly think its just because (H) said what he did in the car. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, and like if I say/do the wrong thing I'm going to get in trouble.

I really DO feel like I took so many steps backwards. It feels scary. I hate it. I feel like I won't be okay.

((((((((((tree))))))))))

can you talk to H about the comment he made? go for a walk with him and talk? it sounds like that is what is really upsetting you. take care sweet tree.

[Sannah]

Was H stressed about visiting his parents? I see a lot of stuff to work on. I actually was thankful when things would come up to work on because this was the route to getting better. If things don't come up I stay unaware and there is nothing to work on and no way to get better.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

We leave on the 30th (my birthday).

happy birthday dear Treehouse!
it's party time!!
In your honor I will chug carbonated beverages full of sugar and caffeine and no redeeming qualities whatsoever

and eat Foods That Are Frowned On By The Nutritionally Serious

I will tell your DH what a poop-head he is for being mean to you instead of giving thanks for the great wife and mother that you are

and I will say for the many times your wise advice and compassion have headed me off from certain disaster

I would go on but there are others who will want to add their birthday greetings hope you are well and happy. SAWE

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Tree))))))
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear sweetest, most compassionate, most thoughtful, best mom and friend who has seen T today and has transcended H's stupid remarks....
Happy Birthday toooooo Youuuuuuuu!

I love you, dear Tree Maybe all of your wishes and dreams for a future filled with peace and connectedness to the life that is there for you and always has been come true (run-on sentence, I know, I cant help it...)

I hope T had some words of wisdom about H. He doesnt know what he has never learned about. If there is any slogan that has helped me it has been that we cannot know what we have not been taught. I believe H loves you, but he does not know about PTSD. If he did, I believe he'd be more sensitive to who you are and where you are coming from. The same way you are with him.

And maybe that is what T means (to me, fwiw ) about being connected to your goodness. You are goodness. These are the things you'd do for others and that you deserve to do for yourself. If you can stay grounded, you can stay in touch in a deeper way with the goodness that is you, that is in your soul and what you are made of.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend. I hope you are celebrating with your family

[jexa]

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((TREE))))