Connecting it all

I had this weird dream about ftt and that was how I started today's session. I dreamed that We were in a different office than usual and other male therapists kept coming and out of the room. Finally ftt began fighting with them and was getting nasty with them to stop coming in and out of our session. She went to get a supervisor and then 2 men came in and one man told me to kill the other one so I did. He left and then ftt came back and we were left with this dead body in the room and I was thinking how I could get away with this murder and I'll get the death penalty for killing him.

There was a lot she said about the dream, but also that we do talk about my parents, esp my mother, who is dead, and how she is stull hurting me and I am afraid of her hurting me even tho she is dead.

We moved on to the some things that I had never connected to my childhood before but it is such a relief to know that it comes from trauma, not from some strangeness or badness of my character. That is comes from something real. I had fears as a child of leaving my room (when I was home in my house) and leaving any of my posessions out of my room. A fear I took with me into my 20s when I had a huge apt and lived out of basically 1 room. I still have small twinges of this fear when it comes to one of the larger rooms in my house. But it is not so strong and she gave me some good grounding things to say to myself. The fears I had and the way I reacted to the friends I had and friend's parents all make sense now. I had this huge fear of my friend's fathers and a huge fear of one particular relative who I think reminded of my father. I dont think he ever did anything bad to me. These fears were incapacitating to me as a child and Id do anything to get around them. I cant even describe what a feeling it was to talk in therapy about these things. And it isnt as if I longed to talk about it. I just never could put these fears into words or recognize them as fears. I feel so much freer.

We moved on to my husband and the way he triggers me. We talked about the work we had done previously in couples therapy. For my part, I am hugely triggered by the feeling that he doesnt value me or the work I do in the house with my children. And it doesnt mean that he doesnt value me, it just means that I feel that way. We talked about his attitude toward me taking "breaks" and doing for myself. She gave me such thoughtful insight into the possible reasons he says the things he does. I have been talking about him for 3 months now, so she knows him somewhat. Tonight I was so excited to go to a yoga class that was held at a good time for me. It was more breathing and meditation and that was what I needed tonight. The class went longer than it was supposed to and I got home late. When I came home he asked me where I went and I told him, he gave me a look and said he wished he could go. As if I play and he works. I often feel devalued by his remarks. Which is what triggers me. He doesnt say what I want him to say, which is how nice it is that I am doing something to soothe myself, no, he says what HE wants and is jealous he doesnt make time to do yoga for himself. So...what ftt told me to say when he does this is, "yes, it is a good class, yes, it would be great if you could go or we could go together." Instead of getting upset because I know he would not have wanted me to go out.

We ended by going back to my family of origin and how I cannot recall feelinjg any feelings of wanting my mother or missing her. Not even when I began kindergarten. I remember feeling relieved when she left me at school. I did have a memory of being at a friends house for a Camp Fire Girls meeting (does anybody remember Camp Fire Girls?) and the girls mother was so perfectly dressed and sweet and comforting to me when I was afraid of the Dark Shadows tv show that was on tv. She offered me cookies and asked me if I was OK (or something like that). She had a perfect house and perfect flowers in her yard and I wanted to move in with my friend Sally. It was the only time I can remember wanting a mother. I said I felt like it was impossible for me to access sad feelings in regard to family. I have always felt I didnt care and I hated the idea of family and I think that is what will come out if my 8 yo journals. Just a wall of "I dont care." I did get a bit teary when I talked about how I felt sad being afraid of everyone's father's and I just didnt want to be this way. I just wanted to be normal and not a child that was afraid and spent so much energy making sure I didnt go near a father-like man. I have never gone there in therapy before. This is big for me. I am afraid to go there, but I need to. I felt so much peace at my yoga class this evening, just feeling connected to my body and my life and the story of who I am and how I got to this place.

That yoga class sounds great for you, Blue. I think sometimes when we are relating with our Hs, we get some of their stuff as well, which certainly complicates things further. The challenges of relationships... The comments he makes might have more to do with him than you. Ftt has a great idea about agreeing that he should come along with you to yoga. Do you think he would?

Your childhood sounds like a lot of walking on eggshells all of the time. I've had that feeling during the times my H was drinking (he's sober now) and it is very stressful. It doesn't allow you to be free and relaxed, the way a person...and most especially a child... needs to be. I'm sorry that things were like that for you. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be afraid to come out of your room.

Why do you think the 8 year old detached from her sad feelings about her family? If you're journaling as the 8 year old then I imagine whatever she was feeling as a child and however she might express those feelings will be helpful for you and Ftt to discuss together.

From your dream it seems that you see ftt as someone who will fight for you and help you. Interesting. I almost never remember my dreams.

Thanks BH- Yes, his comments have more to do with him than with me and it is hurtful. Im some ways, he is like my mother and the feeling I get is familiar. He less narcissitic and cares for me more, but it is there.

The feeling inthe dream that I got from ftt is that she would protect me. I didnt realize I felt that way, but I do feel she protedcts me from difficult feelings Im not ready to feel yet. I walk on eggshells here at times, but I have come to just be myself and let the chips fall as they may and I feel much better that way, more confident.

I seem to be going through this phase of remembering my dreams! I often dont remmeber them either!

I shut down very young, apparently, from my feelings. So young that I cant remmeber feeling anything for my mother. My youngest memories are of not wanting her near me. Sadder and hurt feelings are not accessible now. That was why I was thinking of different techniques to use to get to those feelings. I have an indirect way of know ing they are there, such as how I feel about other people's mom's and seeing mothers and children in the partk etc.

OMG. Anyone would be afraid of that! A program about a vampire on daytime TV? That was a weird show.

Hi Moon! Was wondering where you have been. The first thing that I thought about with your dream was that killing the man was equivalent or symbolic of you talking/revealing in therapy? You would think that you were in trouble for each one? Or that these men symbolize all the men that you were afraid of while growing up and they kept coming into the session bothering you?

Your feelings of your inner 8 yr old might be accessed by letting her express her "I don't care attitude" first.

Could you be reading more into your husband's comment than need be? Could he just have been being honest and that he really would like to go and that is it? When we make more out of someone's comment than what was meant this is usually our past feelings about ourself filling in. Could it be that you just feel guilty doing this stuff for yourself?

I'm glad that you had a good yoga class and a good session! Have you been seeing your new T for 3 months now!

Im glad you said something else about the dream. Ftt said somethings but there is more and Im not sure what it means. She suggested something that fits. That I always feel as if Im doing something deadly wrong. That I will be punished for a crime I didnt commit but then what if I did commit the crime? That I am secretly such a horrible criminal. I will do horrid things for no reason. Instead of knowing that I am innocent and things were done to me to cause me to do bad things. Like the men coming in and out of the room.

thats where Im going to go first...but where can I go from there? I dont feel anything and I dont care. Those are the feelings of my 8 yo. She will not feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt or sad. No way.

I wish I could say yes to that. But I know him. There was more that he said last night about me going and I know he is trying to say that I have fun and he works hard. He has a passive agressive way of expressing that (ftt and I have discussed that). Ftt is helping me not to take the bait and get defensive or angry/triggered. Agree and validate that he needs a break, too!

Its been 3 mos! The time goes fast! I still feel so much peace from this class. A friend of mine showed up for next class and I told her I couldnt even talk because I felt like I was on another planet. She was laughing b/c I am usually very chatty! When I walked out to my car into the freezing cold (and I mean COLD!) it was as if I had to come back down to earth to drive. The peace is still with me. I am going to do some breathing today. It was called Kundalini Yoga. We did more meditation and breathing then posess. But I hear it happened to be fewer poses in that class last night that usually she does more.

Have a Happy New Year, Sannah, dear

OMG! LOL! It was a weird show. When I was telling ftt she was laughing b/c she loved that show. I think she was older than I was when it was on. It freakin scared the heck out of me! What was the main vampire's name again????

I LOVE this. When I can find a way practice focusing on my breathing on a regular basis (meditation, yoga, tai chi), it is so much easier for me to get grounded in my daily life. I think a yoga class is a great idea, Blue. SUCH good self care Yay!

If you really let her express herself you really won't know where she will take it?

Another OMG. I have felt the same way for a long time. It seems that there is something that I did that is so bad that I cannot remember it. If I remember it they will kill me...

The series became hugely popular when, a year into its run, vampire Barnabas Collins, played by Jonathan Frid, appeared.

Wikipedia.

i feel the same way that i have done something terrible...that i will do something terrible that i didnt know was terrible .....or that i will go to jail for a murder i didnt commit....thank you all...is good to not be so alone with feelings like that..............kasva

I loved this yoga class. I cannot believe how what we done has stayed with me since the class. I am finding it difficult to do the type of breathing that was so relaxing in the class. The certain technique of breathing in with stomach out and exhaling with stomach in. My natural inclination is to do it the other way. I am practicing here and there, but I am going to go again wednesday. I love it and H is mildly (very mildly) supportive. Eh, tough. Im going....

About my 8 yo I wonder where she will take it. Ftt said to let it go until the kids go back to school and i am in a regular routine again. As long as I am not having flashbacks and tantrums, which I am not. I didnt get to tell her I stopped the klonopin b/c I was getting too drowsy to drive and my life is driving (!). But she did say to return to this after school starts again. I dont think I can do it another way. By sat night/sunday things will go back to normal as we have a basketball game in the morning...like usual

This is abig issue for me, too. Feeling like I am guilty of a crime. I have done something terribly wrong, like a murder or something, I have hidden it well, gotten away with it, nobody knows how bad I am. But somehow I will slip up. Someone will find out about me or I will commit a more obvious crime and then get the REAL punishment I have deserved all along. It is a general feeling about myself that has always plagued me on a level that I think i am only partly aware of. Just like you said, Kasva, then i will go to jail (whether I commited the murder or not).

I am another one who completely understands this. T has told me a billion times that this is the shame the abuse put on me. I am not yet able to grasp this; if I feel bad, then I must have done something bad, I must be bad. I can intellectually get that I'm not bad, but the emotional understanding is just not there.

I feel this way too, and I hate it.

I like your T's explanation. Can you believe that in 2 years of 2x/week therapy, I have NEVER told T that I feel like this? And I feel it so strongly, and it's one of the most uncomfortable, unhappy feelings I have. I'm scared to tell him, because then I'm scared he'll know I'm bad.

I'm sorry you struggle with this, too, Tree

This reminds me of something. You know how the people who worry about something tend to be the ones who least need to worry? I'm a teacher and the kids who worry most about getting bad grades are the ones who don't need to worry about it, but their anxiety won't let them see it. That strikes me as what's going on for all of us here. I bet people who really are "bad" never worry that they are.

Yes- On some level I feel the need to be hypervigilant that I am doing the right thing, tell the truth and do good to be sure no one sees the real me, which is intrinsically bad and deserving of punishment. Once they see the real, bad me, they will know who I really am and who I have been hiding. I am a bad girl hiding behind the facade of a nice person.

Tree I can so relate to this. When I told ftt about the dream and how I always feel like a criminal deserving of punishment, in an odd way, I felt shame. As if she will understand me now, I AM a criminal and I really am this bad and I have told her so. She will know me now.

Skeksi- I also struggle with separating what my feeling of it is (that I feel like a bad girl. I should be ashamed of being so bad and deserving of punishment) and the intellectual understanding of abuse and that I am not responsible. That I am not bad. Even if I understand it, if I feel that I am bad, then I must be bad. Getting from intellectual understanding to feeling understanding seems like a long road.....

If we were punished as children, and other children were not, doesn't that mean that something about us was wrong and that we deserved punishment? I mean, how else can we explain it?

There are, of course, other explanations. Just not ones that easily come to the mind of a child...

Something disturbing happened to me at about age 10. What I discovered during therapy and telling my former therapist about this was that my emotions about it were stuck in the past. So, yes, intellectually I knew I wasn't to blame for what had happened, but emotionally...even then being an adult...I was still feeling like a 10 year old would. So I think perhaps part of "catching up" your feelings about something from your past with your intellect now in the present is coming to an understanding about this fact. A child sees themselves as the center of the world, so anything that happens to them in their eyes must be their fault. As adults, we know that certainly could never be the case with any vulnerable child, ourselves included. It was helpful to me to express the child's emotions during that time and process the hurt and guilt in order to find my way to a more adult understanding about it. The child's voice needs to be recognized and heard. In that, I could "mommy' myself and take care of that child and reassure her that she wasn't to blame...that she wasn't bad... I even wrote the little girl a poem, which ended up being very healing for me.

Pachy and Brightheart- I think pretty much every message from the treatment I got from my mother and from my father told me there was something wrong with me, that I was not good enough and I was bad bad bad. I think invalidation to a small child can do so much damage, more damage than I realized at first. Even csa is an invalidation of who we are and how we we feel. Then I must be bad if no one seems to care how I feel. In my present life, when my H doesnt seem to care how I feel, it feels to me like yet another invalidation and then a validation of my badness. In the past I would have acted on these feelings of badness by defending myself or reacting or getting triggered and angry, but what I am trying to do now is acknowledge to myself that he is triggering the self-hate/feelings of badness and respond from a feeling of love for myself. I wont go into a long example, but just the fact that I can answer him with humor is an act of self-love on my part. Instead of acting on the the feelings of "bad" and criticized, I have answered with humor and understanding from his point of view, knowing that Im just fine and dont need to be defensive. I think my defensiveness is an attempt to not feel that I really am bad and have been discovered.

BH- I love that you wrote your little girl a poem. What a beautiful thing to do to acknowledge how much you love your inner little self