[MissCharlotte]

The other day in session I asked T a question about his behavior during our ruptures last year and his response keeps playing over and over in my head. He admitted to some negative countertransference (hope I'm using this term correctly) and explained the genesis of it. On the one hand I am touched by his honesty and how it shows his value of honesty in the relationship. On the other hand I am hurt. There is a part of me that is dreading the next appointment and considering canceling. Mind you it was quite a deep conversation and many sensitive topics came up. I was able to talk about the many times I dissociated in session and was able to describe the experience. It was a session of many revelations about myself, T, and the relationship. At first I was able to see how it can lead me forward but now I am afraid, hurt, disappointed, and my pride is front and center. I'm not even sure what I'm asking you guys for but I needed to talk about this experience.

Peaceout

[BlueMoon6]

(((((MIss))))) That sounds really painful to hear about negative transference. He is honest and values the relationship and that is really touching. It looks like he believes you can handle it or he wouldnt have said so. And that you can handle the level of honesty and grow from it. I think Id be feeling the same way,my pride would be hurt, disappointed in myself and afraid. It looks to me like the relationship is so strong though that you both can safely go there together.

Hi MissCharlotte

you did use the term correctly...can you say more about what hurts about the experience? One thought that comes to mnd is that you might have made yourself more vulnerable than usual in this session (a very good thing!!). I find that when I do that I can experience a backlash of a lot of anxiety about the next visit. I can find myself wanting to take back everything I said. What is your pride telling you? And why is it speaking up at all?
And of course.the usual...it will be good to talk with yout T about your post session reactions. No doubt lots of good stuff to be learned...
Thanks for reaching out...keep breathing!

(((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))

That sounds painful....I'm sorry.

For me, I think the hardest part would be finding out NOW what was going on THEN. I hate when things come up that make me question my perception of my experiences. Like, if H was angry at me, and I sensed it and asked and he said he wasn't, and I believed him...and then I found out months later that he actually WAS really angry at me, that would be unbelievably triggering for me. I had to be so on guard growing up that when I "miss" on my perception of something, or when someone lies to me about their feelings, it is really one of my biggest triggers. T telling you NOW what was going on THEN made me think of that a bit.

How amazing, though, that he trusts you and your relationship enough to be honest with you about this. I am sure he trusts that the two of you can work through whatever this brings up....and you can. And you will.

Do you want to talk more about it?

My PM box is open

to you, dear friend...

[(JD)]

Yes, you do need to discuss it, but mainly with your T, imo. I'm sure he's safe...he wouldn't have recognized the counter-transference and surely wouldn't feel comfortable explaining it now unless he had solved the issue for himself.
Counter-transference does happen. It's how it's handled by the T that's important.
So, go back and tell him just what you said here and discuss it. Don't you dare stop seeing him without giving yourself a chance (and him) to work through this disclosure!

[Melbadaze]

Reading a book written by a therapist and she says "therapy happens in spite of transference, not because of"...

[WePow]

I agree with Sky about making sure you talk to T about it. Something happened last week with my angry teen alter and T where that part of me was VERY hurt and just decided to shut down and "never ever ever in a zillion years" talk with T again. I wrote T an email just to let him know something was wrong and he said he would "like the chance" to address it. So I do think it is important to lay all the cards on the table and talk it through. Therapy is about us learning how to handle normal human relationships in a healthy manner. For me, running when I felt neglected has been a problem. Sooooo... this next session should prove interesting!

Honesty in therapy is the key to healing. IMHO

[lauren_helene]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

The other day in session I asked T a question about his behavior during our ruptures last year and his response keeps playing over and over in my head. He admitted to some negative countertransference (hope I'm using this term correctly) and explained the genesis of it. On the one hand I am touched by his honesty and how it shows his value of honesty in the relationship. On the other hand I am hurt. There is a part of me that is dreading the next appointment and considering canceling. Mind you it was quite a deep conversation and many sensitive topics came up. I was able to talk about the many times I dissociated in session and was able to describe the experience. It was a session of many revelations about myself, T, and the relationship. At first I was able to see how it can lead me forward but now I am afraid, hurt, disappointed, and my pride is front and center. I'm not even sure what I'm asking you guys for but I needed to talk about this experience.

Peaceout

Try and look at his sharing negative transference as an opportunity. The few times my therapist has shared this with me, it was painful but so so helpful in the end.

Your therapist cares about you so his experiencing negative feelings is really just being human and not about him wanting to hurt you. I hope this makes sense, I am not fully awake yet.

[ECHOES]

I know you are going to talk more about this with T, but I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and afraid right now. It is hard and it takes time to work through something so deep and meaningful and I suspect very core. You can do this, MissC.

[MissCharlotte]

Yes, well it does touch my core and I have been noticing our differences this weekend. (mine and t's). We actually have very little in common .

[Perna]

I don't know why we think we should have things in common with our T's? Mine was Asian and all my ancestors have been in the United States for 350+ years or came 150-200 years ago from England and Ireland! Not a very similar background.

One of my favorite stories is when I was living in my old house, huge rambler on an acre of land backing to a State park; I couldn't keep up with the yard work and it made me very very anxious. I bought hedge trimmers (the hedges in front were covering the window) and a weed whacker but they were gasoline powered and I was too afraid to go get gas and learn how to mix oil in (2 cycle engines), etc. so I had these expensive tools I couldn't use. I'm telling her about all this one session, the anxiety of the land taking over (I have that problem now with this little townhouse :-) and about how humiliated I felt about buying the weed whacker knowing I wouldn't use it and so was wasting money, etc. and my T was listening hard and looking very engaged. The end of the session came and she announced that when I had come to a lull in my anxious list and I handed her her check for the week and stood up and she asked, "Oh, what is a weed whacker?" She hadn't "understood" most of what I had said! LOL. But I had been seeing her for 15+ years and "knew" her by then and credited her for her listening! She "heard" me and my anxiety and listened to me. The words themselves were really irrelevant. I had still shared my anxieties and she was there with me and that was what I was in therapy to experience and learn.

[ECHOES]

(((Perna))) what a wonderful story!!
I thought you were heading to something about having tools but not using them and staying anxious.
"Oh, what is a weed whaker?" Priceless

[ECHOES]

MissC, you have you in common. You both care about your emotional well being. You both are committed to your work together. You are both teachers by profession. So many things. Remember that feeling disconnection can distort vision

Miss, can you say what is hard about not having things in common with T??

It sounds like you are at a really hard point in therapy...sometimes when I find out more about T, it throws me off for a while. On the one hand, I like knowing he is REAL, and has real likes and dislikes and wants and needs...that makes our relationship feel more authentic. On the other hand, there is something to be said for not knowing very much about T and being able to make him into the person we need him to be to help us heal. In the end, I like when T is more "real", but sometimes the process of getting to that point is really disconcerting.

You and T have done so much good work together. You'll get through this.

[MissCharlotte]

((Echoes,Perna, WP, Lauren, Tree, Sky, Melba, Blue, Ripley) )Hi everybody, thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. Lauren, we haven't seen you in a while--I'll read your blog. Echoes, many thanks for reminding me what we do have in common - me! Perna, what a hilarious story--it must be how T is when I talk about cooking...I don't think he knows anything aside from making coffee! I think that the reason we want T to have a shared background (at least for me) is because it makes me feel less alone. I want to know that someone is with me as I travel this healing road, and sometimes I don't feel like he really "gets it." When he mentioned his negative feeling the other day it was a response to my asking but it hit a core wound and a very young part of me. That young Miss C is proud and wants to tell him, "bug off, who needs you?" Tree, you know I do appreciate T being real like you do, I love it when he tells stories about his family. It makes me feel safe somehow. But this seemed different. I think maybe because it hit a core wound with my Mom and I have a hard time not putting T in her place. When I asked him about this and he admitted the negative reaction it was to a young part of me who doesn't feel like she can defend herself. Ugh. Then I realize there's nothing to defend myself from. I know he cares, but I'm feeling very defensive right now and worried about exposing myself. Little Miss is scared.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((((MC)))))))))))))))))) I'm scared of negative countertransference too. T and I went through three months of really hard, negative stuff in session. Lately, it had been somewhat better but then last week he lost it in session. He said he was tired and was curt in his responses. He has also admitted his fustration with me a lot lately. It makes me wonder whether this is how it really is and the other side of it, the unconditional positive regard part of it, is just a strategy designed to let them into our inner world. I don't know, this is all very confusing, and painful, and shocking in many ways. Here we are opening up, sharing ourselves with them, telling them our thoughts and fellings when we know so little about them. I find myself more and more asking T what he is thinking because of my own fears and anxieties. I hope you can talk to T about this to work it through. I know my walls are back up after what happened.

[moonrise]

Miss, I'm pretty sure that if I asked my T if she had negative counter-transference for me, she would agree (if not verbally, at least in her head honestly). It freaks me out.

I want to believe so badly that my T sees me in only a positive light, that she doesn't harbor any anger or frustration. T's are so human. What I love about the concept of transference and counter-transference is that it puts things in perspective. It's not YOU that your T feels negatively about. It's that something in you reminds him of someone in his life whom he relates to in a negative manner. At least he realizes it, and that's incredible.

In the long run, counter-transference can really help T's understand us better, and help us more clearly. At least, I hope

[MissCharlotte]

(coco & moonrise)

You described both sides of the coin quite accurately. Coco, yes yes yes about the idea of letting them in and then wondering wtf, why am I the only one here who is exposed? We let them in so they can "analyze" us and then figure out how to FIX it? **** that! But then, yes, moonrise, the negative transference is a witness of their humanity. And T actually TOLD ME who in his life when he was young caused this issue. He knows it. He's on top of it. But there is a part of me that is saying, "Well, if he carries that kind of negative feeling toward that type of occurrence, and there is a part of me that exhibits this behavior in a core way then that means he doesn't LIKE that part of me. Kinda like the way I hate fish because when I was a kid a nun forced me to eat a tunafish sandwich when it was spoiled. Ugh.