[BlueMoon6]

I am feeling so overwhelmed. As if I am just a machine and going and doing constantly. Maybe I have posted about this before, but I have been feeling like I dont want to come to PC and post or reach out for help. I feel sad, alone and worn out. Its as if Im afraid to sit and relax or I will fall apart. If it werent for practicing yoga I think I would do just that. I also love the caring attention I get there from my instructor. I wish someone at home cared about me that way. I do and do for everyone else.

My session this week was pretty good, but very much in the here and now (husband, daughter etc). It was a lot of what I needed to talk about, especially the "transference" I experienced with dt. There is an endless amount of material there to talk about. And we talked some about our relationship (between ftt and I) which is the first time we had done that. But I left feeling unfinished. An uneasy feeling. Like I had half of a session. There were deeper things I needed to talk about. I dont know how to let go of my fear and go there. I stayed with easier things and I told her I would.

I could use some hugs and hugs and hugs. Im feeling really alone and sad and depressed.

[zooropa]

blue, I've been thinking of you and noticed that I hadn't seen you around here lately. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and overwhelmed. I have nothing but hugs to offer you, but since that's what you asked for and I have plenty of them, here you go!

[Snakebit]

Blue Moon,

You are not alone! I understand how you are feeling.

((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you feel so overwhelmed. When I get into a place where I can't get a moment to myself to breathe and it just won't let up things usually start to spiral downward. And then I feel more overwhelmed, and things spiral down some more, and it's a horrible cycle that it's harder and harder and harder to get out of.

What I am learning is no matter how much stuff I "have" to do, what I REALLY "have" to do is let myself STOP sometimes. It's hard for me. The boys are literally always here because we homeschool, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be "perfect" and "good" so I'm always cooking and schooling and taking them to classes and doing field trips and laundry and shopping and bills and yard and on and on and on and on. (I honestly think the best part of therapy for me sometimes is just being able to SIT for an hour with no one needing me). I have a hard time giving myself a break...there is ALWAYS something else to do, and I don't want to let myself rest until everything is done.

That doesn't work.

What I am trying to do is pay attention to how I'm feeling. I am very good at staying busy and running around and taking care of people and avoiding myself in that way. So, while I am bustling about, I might think "I want to knit". Or "I wish I could have some tea". Usually, my response to myself is "okay, when I'm DONE"...which is usually when I'm TIRED, at 10 at night. Lately, when I think "I want to knit" I tell myself that it's okay, and I actually get my knitting and sit down for a little bit.

You know what? The world HASN'T fallen apart. The house is still clean. The kids are still fed. School is still done. The difference is that I am calmer and more peaceful inside.

You deserve to rest and be taken care of just as much as everyone else. It makes me feel sad to think of you pushing yourself SO HARD without a break.

Sometimes I think about the example I am setting for the kids. I want them to grow up and live a balanced life. I feel like I need to show them that it's okay to do something just for fun, and it's okay to rest when we're tired, and it's okay to take care of ourselves. Maybe you can reframe resting and think of it as a job you must do to set a good example for the kids

Yoga and therapy are such good things...but I think it's really important to let ourselves do something that is good for our souls EVERY day. Just reading, or sitting with a cup of tea in a patch of sunlight coming in the window, or meditating...or doing something creative that we love like writing, or knitting, or painting.

I hope you can find some time for some breaks, Blue. It's hard to feel so overwhelmed.

Lots of to you, dear friend

[rainbow8]

Blue,
I'm sorry you're feeling sad, alone, depressed and overwhelmed. Can you take some time to rest each day in addition to your yoga? You deserve and need time for yourself. We all do. It's hard being a mother to so many kids, and you're a good mother, so you do a lot for them.

I think you need to care for yourself the way you care for everyone else. Smile at the beautiful woman in the mirror each day! I read that in a book and I try to do it but I forget. Love yourself the way you are, and let yourself take a rest when you need it.

Give yourself hugs too! Here are some from me to you: and some love

[BlueMoon6]

Zoo, Snakebit, Tree and Rainbow- thank you so much for your words and hugs. I am trying to let it in. I dont know what happened to me. What you wrote Tree is exactly how I feel, like I keep going and going and I dont get a moment to breathe and by that point I have spiraled down and its hard to twist and wind my way back up again. I feel like I want to sit down on the floor with my head on my knees and cry.

What is it that I am afraid to take breaks? That I dont deserve them or something? That I have so much on my to-do list that I MUST "do" if it kills me. I really can sit down for a tea break or a game with my (almost) 3 yo. I really like the thought of taking breaks as part of my job as mom. That works for me. I have to remember it.

There is a spin class at 6 tomorrow that is literally 3 blocks from my house. I dont see why I cant leave for that. I think its 1/2 hour or 1 hour or something. But maybe that isnt what I need. Maybe you are right that I need breaks throughout my day. I dont take many of those. It seems like there isnt time. But I cant feel this depressed. I want to go up from here. I get afraid that I can get much more depressed and not function and I dont want to go there. Or go up in medication dose. If I can pull myself up out of this it would be much better.

Im sorry. Im rambling. I have a house to clean up before bed. See? I cant just go to bed. I should just clean up in the morning.

Thank you for all of your wonderful hugs everyone. You cant imagine how much better if makes me feel.

[googley]

(((((Blue))))))

[lily99]

[Fuzzybear]

Bluemoon
You sound like me. Sometimes I try to "outrun" the depression and anxiety but constantly moving. You deserve breaks. Any mom deserves breaks. Please be good to yourself.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))) sending you lots of hugs. Please be kind to yourself.

[ECHOES]

many many

Sessions like that leave me feeling a part of me was not attended to. Even if I talk about things I want to talk about, something feels missing.
It sounds like you are feeling alone.

[crystalrose]

HUGS!!! are you still seeing ftt??? im a bit confused but i havent been on here much so please forgive me..

hope you feeling better soon..

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((( HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS TO YOU !!! ))))))))

sounds like you need a vacation.

Is there an old friend in another state you could go visit for a week?

Some craft school not far away where you could take a week's class in throwing jars (pottery that is ) ?

A beach where you can hang out and watch the sunset or sunrise for a few days?

A retreat center where you can just go and be quiet and relax a bit? where someone else will do the cooking and cleaning and you just take care of you? Some of those are very inexpensive.

dear BlueMoon, sometimes there truly isn't enough time to talk about everything; perhaps you could arrange for an extended session to address something that you don't want to have to break off before you get through it; I asked my T for that once and she understood perfectly.

PM me whenever you want -
here I just found another hug, must be for you
SAWE

[moonrise]

((((blue))) I noticed you weren't around and was hoping you were okay.

Here's a hug.And some rainbow hearts.

I hope you can find something to do today, just for you, that makes you happy and gives you life.

[Hugs needed]

... ((((BLUE)))) ... Do something special for yourself today. It's time to treat yourself.

[Brightheart]

((((((((Blue)))))))

Blue

You should like you have a lot of unsettling stuff inside you that is making you feel anxious. When do you see your T next?

[rainbow8]

(((((Blue))))))

More hugs for today.

[peaches100]

((((((Bluemoon))))))

You do so much to take care of others. Please treat yourself with gentle care.

[BlueMoon6]

OMG! You all brought tears to my eyes. I am trying to take in all of these hugs and love. I AM so trying. I love you all.. There is still this part of me that feels unworthy yet so incredibly grateful for your love.

I do feel like I am trying to outrun this depression and I so do not want to go up in my medication. I do feel unsettled, that is exactly how I feel. There is something wrong and I cant put my finger on it. I havent written in my journal and that is unusual for me. I would love to go away for a while (thanks SAWE!), those retreats sound lovely. I slep in this morning and there was a very difficult phone call I had to make this morning about some bills and it ended up being easy schmeezy! PHEW!

I have a genetic testing appt for BRAC gene (breast ovarian ca) this afternoon and I am nervous. But my MRI was NORMAL! I am very relieved. These tests make me crazy.

I also feel like I have been such a lousy support person here on the board this past week. I miss you all and I want so badly to get back in there and read past threads and make sure eveyone is OK. It is unusual for me to not read through a whole thread or no know how everyone is doing and your stories and what you are going thorugh is on my mind during the day. Lately every brain cell is taken up with stuff here with my kids.

So...I got a friend to do my basketball driving for me today and I will go to the chiropractor and then a spin class at 5:30. I even checked with my husband and he said, "well, you'll do what you want, does it matter what I say?" So I laughed a little and I said, "I guess not." I dont know, I just wanted his support in taking care of myself before I have a meltdown rather than after.

I am still seeing ftt and I love her. My next appt is monday at 10.

I am just taking in all of these hugs.....

[zooropa]

This is so similar to something T & I talked about on Tuesday, Blue. I told her I am always busy, always doing SOMETHING, because otherwise, if I let the quiet in, I'm afraid I will let the flashbacks and memories and overwhelming anxiety in.

And it is true, staying busy, staying distracted, I feel like it's my specialty in life. I am always doing something, usually many more than one thing at a time. It has been so hard for me to embrace the mindfulness aspect of DBT because of that. Mindfulness is all about just being the moment and doing one thing in the moment.

There have been times when I have been able to experience the freedom of truly being in the moment, but mostly I am so afraid that without the defense of my busy-ness the flashbacks & memories will overwhelm me. So T talked about that, how that fear is an example of not being mindful. Because it's focusing on what might happen, instead of what IS happening. I am trying, this week, to focus on what's happening in this moment and let go of the fear of what might happen when I do that.

We also talked about what I can do if, in those moments, the flashbacks & pain DO come, how I can handle that. How I can observe those things as thoughts, just a thought, and try to let it go, try again to be in the moment, the new moment. Each in breath a new beginning, each out breath a letting go.

anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, but it seemed relevant to some of what you are experiencing and what other people shared in the thread so I hope maybe it will help a little bit. I am struggling with it all still, of course, but it is a new way to look at the struggle, at least.

[Sannah]

Hey Blue! Oh, I know that nervous busy! Keep moving or the moment will sink in (and you will feel all of your feelings) and you don't want that!

Sadness vs. depression, hmmm.......

I know that you told us that you have continued to have children because you felt better always giving of yourself. Maybe now you are seeing that you want more for you?

bluey, i noticed you haven't been posting and am so glad to see you back. i haven't been up to posting much lately but i can offer lots and lots of

[BlueMoon6]

Zoo- I wonder too about the way I use busy-ness. I am very busy, I cant help that. I have 10000 things that I need to do in a day, and all before 3 when I begin kid pick-ups from school. What happens is that I am so busy that at some point I realize I am irritable and overwhelmed and feel like screaming. I need to breathe before I get to that point. It could be avoiding feelings (?) or it could be not knowing my limits well enough to find balance.

Originally Posted by Zoo

There have been times when I have been able to experience the freedom of truly being in the moment, but mostly I am so afraid that without the defense of my busy-ness the flashbacks & memories will overwhelm me. So T talked about that, how that fear is an example of not being mindful. Because it's focusing on what might happen, instead of what IS happening. I am trying, this week, to focus on what's happening in this moment and let go of the fear of what might happen when I do that.

Something about this struck me. I have also experienced the freedom of being in the moment. It truly feels like there is nothing else but this moment and that, really, all we have are moments like these strung togther. It is a peaceful, connected feeling...but it doesnt last long enough for me to not go back to busy-ness, worry and feeling overwhelmed. I love that each breath is a new beginning. That the breath you take in this moment could be the breath (exhaled breath) that someone around the world takes in another moment. I just dont always go there and remember that. But it has always helped me to know I can try again and again and again in the next, new moment.

Thanks, Sannah, yes- I want more for me now, though there are many reasons I had children, it is time to close up the baby shop and work on me and be an example of that to my wonderful kids. When I got home from spin class tonight my daughter (15 yo) said to me, "Did you have fun mommy? Im gald you went!" And my 9 yo said last night to me, "Can you go to a yoga class now mommy? I'll take over" He is so sweet. (it was too late for a class at that time).

Bloom- I love your hugs...It might sound strange, but it feels good to be missed I dont like it when I have a mini-meltdown and dont come here to post and then I am miss everyone etc... But I love hugs