[aimeesh]

I'm going to post it... I have a terrible time talking when i visit the doctor, i always blank and forget why i even came as if i have temporary amnesia. My appointment is at 4:15pm and i have only a half hour because i HAVE to make it to school by 5:00pm.... I only have a half hour and a lot to say... so i wrote the letter to get it all out there.... here it is:

(beware it's long, MY input is at the bottom if you dont want to read the symptom list)

These are not self diagnosis, just symptoms I found describe how I feel pretty well
Found on psychcentral.com
Under “depression”
·feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months at a time (not just a passing blue mood), accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, lack of energy, and taking little or no pleasure in things that gave you joy in the past.
·Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
·Feelings of hopelessness
·Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
·Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
·Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
·Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
·Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
·Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide plans/ideas
·Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
·Racing thoughts
·By the age of 15, females are twice as likely to have experienced a major depressive episode as males.
·They may cry frequently and at times for no apparent reason.
·There is a lack of connection with friends and family. Teens may avoid family gatherings and events. Teens who used to spend a lot of time with friends may now spend most of their time alone and without interests. Teens may not share their feelings with others, believing that they are alone in the world and no one is listening to them or even cares about them.
·They may feel like a failure and have negative views about their competence and self-worth. They feel as if they are not “good enough.”
·Believing that they are unworthy, depressed teens become even more depressed with every supposed rejection or perceived lack of success.
·Depressed teens are often irritable, taking out most of their anger on their family. They may attack others by being critical, sarcastic, or abusive. They may feel they must reject their family before their family rejects them.
·Teens may suddenly have no interest in maintaining friendships. They’ll stop calling and visiting their friends.
·Running away is usually a cry for help. This may be the first time the parents realize that their child has a problem and needs help.
·says, “I want to kill myself,”
·Teens who have difficulty talking about their feelings may deal with their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors, such as cutting.
Under “Borderline Personality Disorder”
·Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
·Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (self-harm/restricting food)
·Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
·Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
·Chronic feelings of emptiness
·Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger (my mom)
·Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors. (Constantly worried of being alone and that my boyfriend might leave me, my son might not love me in the future, I don’t feel loved by my family, etc.)
Under “Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder”
·Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
Under “Anorexia”
·People who intentionally starve themselves
·The disorder, which usually begins in young people around the time of puberty
·Many people with the disorder look emaciated but are convinced they are overweight (obviously not underweight right now, but I was too thin before I got pregnant because of my habits and poor self image)
·they become terrified of gaining any weight.
·Food and weight become obsessions. For some, the compulsiveness shows up in strange eating rituals or the refusal to eat in front of others.
·The individual usually experiences an intense and overwhelming fear of gaining weight or becoming fat. This fear is regardless of the person's actual weight, and will often continue even when the person is near death from starvation
·their body weight, shape and size is directly related to how good they feel about themselves and their worth as a human being. Persons with this disorder often deny the seriousness of their condition

• Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances
• A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)
• Non-purging Type: -- The person has used other inappropriate compensatory behaviors, such as fasting or excessive exercise, but has not regularly engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas

Under ”Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”
·The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
·The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind
·At some point during the course of the disorder, the adult has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable
·The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.
Under “Panic Disorder”.
·Persistent concern about having additional attacks
·Worry about the implications of the attack or its consequences (e.g., losing control, having a heart attack, "going crazy")
·Panic disorder is often accompanied by other conditions such as depression
·they may be able to confront a feared situation only if accompanied by a spouse or other trusted person. Basically, they avoid any situation they fear would make them feel helpless if a panic attack occurs.
·Agoraphobia: The essential feature of Agoraphobia is anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having a Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.
·Social Phobia (e.g., avoidance limited to social situations because of fear of embarrassment)
Under “post-traumatic stress disorder”
·Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a debilitating mental disorder that follows experiencing or witnessing an extremely traumatic, tragic, or terrifying event. People with PTSD usually have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to.
·Rape
·it could be something witnessed (my dad leaving a lot when I was a kid… now I always worry my BF will leave me… or stay with me just for our son, not because he loves me, like my dad did)
·Most people with posttraumatic stress disorder repeatedly re-live the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. The nightmares or recollections may come and go, and a person may be free of them for weeks at a time, and then experience them daily for no particular reason. They may also experience sleep problems, depression, feeling detached or numb, or being easily startled. They may lose interest in things they used to enjoy and have trouble feeling affectionate. They may feel irritable, more aggressive than before, or even violent. Seeing things that remind them of the incident may be very distressing
·they may have trouble working or socializing
·Ordinary events can serve as reminders of the trauma and trigger flashbacks or intrusive images. A flashback may make the person lose touch with reality and reenact the event for a period of seconds or hours, or very rarely, days. A person having a flashback, which can come in the form of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, usually believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again.
Under “Depersonalization Disorder”
·Persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body (e.g., feeling like one is in a dream).
Under ”major depressive disorder”

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)

· Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
· Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
· Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
· Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

Those are the feelings that I have that have a name for them.
I just feel lonely, like no one likes me and I feel like a huge burden on my family and everyone. They’re all sick of me being depressed. I feel like no one could ever love me. I feel guilty for being a depressed mom and I just want to get better. And be happy more often than sad. I don’t have friends and trying to make friends is really scary to me because im afraid they wont like me and then I’ll never get over the fact the I would be proven unlike-able… because one person might not enjoy my company. Once I hear someone say to me one of the things I do not like about myself it then becomes forever fact. I’ll think it MUST be true if someone else is thinking it too, even if they said it only out of anger. I assume that’s what they really feel inside. (like when my BF is verbally abusive). Sometimes I just want to scream and break things. I thought last night how I would love to smash all the antiques in this house because they represent a life of pain, in my mind. Because I grew up with them and I’m sick of looking at them and having them bring up old bad memories from when I was a kid or teen.
I know I need help. I think I need someone to talk to on a more regular basis. Or maybe some sort of support group. I get worse when I am alone. I hate being alone and lately I feel very isolated, even in a room full of people.




THATS THE END.... i might revise it. im VERY worried this letter will just annoy him. but i dont know how to explain all that in 30 minutes. i know he can read that in 30. lol

[Mike_J]

That list and the comments are something that could have easily been written by me.

[sunrise]

Aimeesh, I have found it very helpful to take a list with me when I see my doctor, as I forget things too. My doctor was the first one I told that I was having anxiety symptoms. Without my list, I would have forgotten to say all my symptoms, because it made me very nervous to share with my doctor that I might have some kind of psychiatric condition and also just to admit how much anxiety I had (I was embarrassed and felt like a failure). So, please bring your list. Your doctor will be glad so he/she can assess the next steps to take. Your list is quite extensive, so my guess is your doctor will strongly recommend that you see a therapist and probably also a pdoc.

Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide plans/ideas

This is the most important to say, aimeesh. Please stay safe. Is there a crisis line you can call in your community if you need to?

Good luck. Take your list!

[Sannah]

How did the appt. go?