Argh, I would do just about ANYTHING to change how I feel. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand it anymore, and I WILL do "just about anything". I did call T, but he's so busy, I don't know if he will call back until tonight on his way home.

I've been feeling this way a LOT lately. I don't know why. I don't even know how to describe it. Just HORRIBLE. Not sad. Maybe "stressed"? Is that a feeling? Like if I don't get away from myself I don't know what I'll do...but I can't get away from myself.

All I want to do is lock myself away from everyone...but there is no chance to do that, and everyone needs me, and things start to escalate. I am scared because I have felt like this before. I recognize it. This is my October feeling (!). Why am I feeling it now?

I associate the October feeling with one particular trauma that we haven't processed in therapy. OMG. OMG! Is that what is pushing at me?? There are some things about my conversation with T on Monday that would totally make that make sense.

The OF (October Feeling) is what led me to therapy 3 years ago, what almost landed me in the psych hospital 2 years ago, and what was probably behind a month of being REALLY physically sick this year. I'm not supposed to have the OF in February

Here's what I've tried: exercising, changing my environment, knitting, posting here, leaving a message for T.

I don't want to spiral down down down down. I don't know what to do.

[Snakebit]

(((((((treehouse))))))

Been there and know its a horrible, horrible feeling.

[skeksi]

I'm not supposed to have the OF in February

It's almost like your brain is betraying you, bringing this up now? Like, the feeling had been put in its appropriate place, but here it is, rising and haunting you.

Maybe this is the opportunity you need to deal with it head on, to find another way to get through it besides going down down down? (I don't mean to say that you haven't tried before, of course, just that maybe you and T can make something different happen this time).

I understand the feeling, I think. For me, it's like I want to crawl out of my skin and run away from myself. It's such an intense feeling of discomfort in my body. It's hard to know what else is going on inside when that feeling comes crawling in.

While you wait for T to return your call, is there anything you can do to manage? If you write or do art, will it make it worse? Maybe intense physical activity, like cleaning?

I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

Originally Posted by skeksi

It's almost like your brain is betraying you, bringing this up now? Like, the feeling had been put in its appropriate place, but here it is, rising and haunting you.

OMG. This. Wow. thanks, skeski - that's it.

I left another message for T. I think my first one was kind of "oh, hey, just wondering if you could call me if you have time". So I left another and told him i really need my THERAPIST right now. maybe he will call me sooner....

[zooropa]

(((tree))) I'm sorry you're hurting, tree.
My first thought was that, whether it's October or not, maybe it's time for you to process that incident in therapy and that's why it's pushing at you, as you say? I know that can be scary, the idea of starting to walk through another trauma. But, when it's time, it's almost like our minds or hearts will decide and there's not much we can do about it.

I hope T calls you back soon. Keep talking here until then if it helps.

I do love my T and think he is the greatest T in the world...but...omg, it is hard waiting for him to call. I know he is with clients, and I know that he gives people ALL of their time, right up until the end of the hour, and usually doesn't take time between clients to check messages/make phone calls. And i like that usually, but not now, when I need him

the more he doesn't call the more desperate i feel. i really just need some relief. i feel paralyzed. omg.

[chynnagirl]

(((((((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

You wanna reach out and call someone else? Like me? Braintwin? I'm gonna PM you.

[pinkcorr]

Originally Posted by zooropa

(((tree))) I'm sorry you're hurting, tree.
My first thought was that, whether it's October or not, maybe it's time for you to process that incident in therapy and that's why it's pushing at you, as you say? I know that can be scary, the idea of starting to walk through another trauma. But, when it's time, it's almost like our minds or hearts will decide and there's not much we can do about it.

I hope T calls you back soon. Keep talking here until then if it helps.

THIS, thats what I was thinking when I read your post.

And I agree, I hope you get to talk to your T soon and keep talking here if you can

[sittingatwatersedge]

many hugs for you, little Treehouse. I wish you lived near me.

Can you tell your DH about it and maybe you can go out together and watch the sunset or something peaceful like that (if it's not 12 degrees where you live)? you need someone to hold you, who loves you HERE and NOW. I do

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree))) I so know that feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. Its when I feel so scared and uncomfortable with what is pushing at me that I just have to push "it" down and away. I feel like i just cant deal and I am overwhelmed by whatever issue it is.

Maybe it will be just a tiny bit easier to work on the october trauma in february. And when Oct comes around this year you will have processed some. I think that sometimes the only way to get to the other side is to go through the tunnel. It seems dark and scary and it seems like you will be alone with your pain, but T is there and we are all here and you KNOW H and your friends are there for you. Maybe, dear Tree, just go with it and go to T with the trauma and painful memories that are pushing at you.

He'll call soon......do you have an appt tomorrow?