[Confused_1982]

This is a long ramble, sorry...

I stopped going to therapy a few weeks ago because I was feeling stuck and that things werent moving forward, and that there was something not quite right between me and t. I had brought this up with him a few months ago (that things felt different between us), but I couldnt articulate what it was, and he basically told me that he didnt feel he was being any different with me than he ever had been. So I let it go and tried to get on with the reason I was in therapy, but it was always at the back of my mind that something wasnt quite right.

On top of my "issues", since I have been seeing t I have had very strgon transference feelings for him that I have been unable to talk about in any detail with him, and this had taken over my mind, and the other things I was going to t for in the first place took a backseat. Before last session I emailed t to say I wasnt sure if I was doing the right thing in continuing because therapy had become more about him than about everything else. We had this conversations a few times in the past but had agreed to continue.

I ended up going to the session, and t basically discharged me. He said if couldnt talk about my feelings for himthen he couldnt help. Which I get. But just before xmas alot of things came up (not to do with him) that made things extra hard for me, and these things have not yet been resolved. I told him that I felt that I did not feel strong enough to cope with things on my own without therapy, and he kind of agreed, but then said I needed a therapy break.

He did not make sure I was going to be ok without him or that I had any kind of plan in place. He told me that I could always come back if I decided that I could talk about things. One of my big issues is fear of abandonment, and I feel like he completely left me on my own when i was/am in such a bad place. It was as if all the trust and care I felt was gone, that it was neevr really there, coz after all I am just a patient. Then it dawned on me that what I felt wasnt right between us was that he didnt care about me anymore. In the beginning I really felt he was concerned about me, but now I can see it was never real, and it really hurts.

I was in such a state when I left that I tried to get into a respite centre for suicidal peope, but they were full. T was going on hols the next day and I called him that night and texted but he never got back to me. He's back now and I stil havent heard from him. I feel so angry and hurt.

But now I'm still in a mess, and as I amnot focusing on t, all my issues are at the forefront, and I really feel I need to be in therapy, but I am now too scared to see another t because of how I feel t has been with me and how things have ended. Part of me wants to go back to t coz I feel that he did get me, even though I felt he cared less about me the longer therapy went on.

So, my question is would you go back to t to talk about how the ending has effected me, and then see if it can be resolved and then move on with him (I am prepared to talk to him about my feelings for him if they arise again), or would you seek out another therapist?

Sorry to ramble but I havent been able to talk to anyone about this

It sounds like he left the invitation open to you to come back. I'd give him a call and go to see him and resolve any discharge issues. In the meantime work on finding a t you can feel more comfortable with.