[rainbow8]

I just got home from my session and I have to calm down. Kt is very thorough and I'm not used to that. I was embarrassed but it was the kind of embarrassment you feel at a doctor where you know he is probing all over your body because he wants to help you. She wanted a detailed history of my family, including my grandparents and asked me questions about them. She wrote it all down. Then she asked about my dating history and the boyfriend I had in college. She asked about sex. I answered everything because she asked in an appropriate way, but it was hard because of my inhibitions about talking about sex.

I had wanted to talk about bt and my concerns about repeating the pattern. So we went over the hour again. I feel like it's not fair that she gives me so much extra time, but she says it's all right. I got embarrassed with this conversation too! She asked if my feelings were sexual, so we discussed that aspect. She even asked how I felt about her, if I had those feelings. I said "if I did, I wouldn't tell you." But I don't think I do yet. She wanted to know what I felt about myself if I would have those feelings for her. I said "ashamed." She said it's human nature to have close connections, or something to that effect.

She asked me a lot of questions about what age I was when this or that happened, and what my first memory was. I don't remember ages too well and I told her that. We talked a lot about selective mutism too.

At the end I mentioned about going online and she asked where. I don't know why I said PC but I did. First I asked if she goes to those kinds of sites. I think she said no. If she's reading this, so be it. I trust her, and she didn't tell me not to write about her.

I told her SO much. The whole session is leaving me shaky, but I'm glad she is interested in my past. She said there are areas where she wants to go further, from my answers to her questions.

I told her how I used to cry when I left sessions with bt. She asked if I've cried after sessions with her. I haven't.

So, I think this is all good. I feel weird, though. I wanted so much to delve into my past and now I'm doing it. I wish I had done it sooner. But, Blue, are you reading? We HAD to do it this way, right?

One thing I said and I don't know why. I said I had to talk about my T more, and that "I would go back to her in a minute. I miss her." I don't know WHY I said that. It's not really true that I would go back. When I think of all the money I spent on therapy with her I get sick. But the missing her part is true.

I wish I didn't have to wait a whole week to do more. I like the way kt does therapy!! I worry that something will happen and I won't be able to continue. Just my anxieties talking.

(((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))

I'm so glad you are finally getting what you need.

My T always tells me that I am healing the way I have to...that it had to happen this way, and it couldn't happen any other way. I get what he means...I mean, this is the way IT IS HAPPENING. This is how we are healing.

Can you accept that you are healing how YOU have to? You had your bt time, and then it was time to move on. Maybe you needed something different when you started with her than what you need now.

Hang in there. You are working hard.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, tree. Yes, I do feel like I'm getting what I need. I'm still feeling effects from today. I'm not used to a T letting me stay 1 1/2 hrs. and not 50 minutes. I feel guilty about it.

This session brought up a lot of feelings for me. I can't figure them out yet. I know shame is a biggie. This T is jumping right in with me to the core of my issues. I am definitely not starting over with her, and that's scary.

So far I'm not focusing on her; it's like I don't want to see her as someone I could be "attracted to" in the way I've been to my other Ts. She's not "real" to me yet. I see her and think "who is she?" She's a stranger to me. But that's probably going to change. And that's the REALLY scary part for me. I feel like I've already exposed myself to her. So the intensity is there also, which makes me want more. She says that she will work on all this with me. She seems to know what she's doing.

She doesn't like diagnoses but she brought up that she doesn't agree with mine. That was interesting.

[Ascension]

I think this is a healthy process. Sometimes different therapists have different approaches to therapy and maybe you needed a therapist that didn't challenge you too much earlier in the process. I am glad you have such a good synergy with this new therapist and that you have a new excitement for the process. It feels good when we find a cathartic step in our process. I am truly happy for you.

[BlueMoon6]

Rainbow- When I first started with ftt I was in shock. I didnt understand why she was giving me so much time. She still does, if she can. I think your T sounds like she is investing herself in your therapy. She wants to have all the information she needs to help you move forward.

I love that she is encouraging you to talk about things that are less than comfortable for you. Like me, youve had a lot of therapy, your not a kid and its time to get to deeper stuff to live a more peaceful life from here on. I dont think she wants to waste any time, and I know you dont either. It is great that she is using your relationship as a tool and asking you how you feel with her as compared to bt.

I dont think I could have done it any other way, I didnt know dt and I didnt trust my instincts enough to act on them. I also was depressed and without the strength to move on. But, you know, the more I hear from ftt that her collegues mentioned other clients that have had the same iss ues with her and how incompetent she is, I SOOOO regret taking my kids there. Looking back, I dont like at all some of the things she said to my 15 yo dd and to my then 8 yo son. And her feedback to me about them was bizarre. Totally NOT how I know them to be. I am upset at myself for the family therapy we did with her. AND how would I ever get them to try it again after their experience with her? I am trying not to dwell on it, they bwerent damaged or anything, it mostly wasted their time and wasted their attitude toward therapy, for sure.

Anyway, KT (can you fill me in on why she is KT??? LOL!) sounds like she does know what she is doing. She seems to get that you are afraid of attaching to her like bt. I kind of wonder if you will, or if it will be a different, less desperate kind of attachment. I sort of think your attachment to her will disturb you less than with bt since she is open to everything you feel and everything you have to say.

[jexa]

Rainbow this is so awesome to hear. I think this T is really challenging you by opening up so much of you and exploring so much so early. This sounds like it will be so powerful and deep for you, rainbow. Wow, to be so early in the process with a new T.. so much promise and hope is right there in front of you. And IFS *so* fits your longing to do inner child work. This T is going to explore the deepest parts of you.

I have so much excitement and hope for you rainbow. Please let us all know how future sessions go.

[MissCharlotte]

(((rainbow)))
I think you are very brave to seek out the care you need despite your attachment to your previous T.

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I am thrilled to hear about your session with your new t! She sounds like she is really taking an interest in you and wants to help you with your issues. She sounds diligent because she is asking alot of questions and making notes. It's also good that she asked you how you feel about her, and that she validated the desire to feel close to someone. It seems like your former t didn't want you to focus on her or the therapy relationship at all. But perhaps this t sees it as an important part of the therapy work itself.

I'm happy for you!

[rainbow8]

Amongst the good feelings about my therapy, last night I suddenly started feeling like I told T too much. I feel exposed and yukky. I thought of emailing or calling her, but I don't know if I want to get into that habit. Maybe I feel exposed because of the feelings brought up by what I was talking about? I don't know. Does anyone feel "exposed" after therapy? She already knows almost all of my secrets, and I can't take them back!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Does anyone feel "exposed" after therapy? She already knows almost all of my secrets, and I can't take them back!

Oh my gosh, YES. Even now, after all of this time with T, I feel like that sometimes. I'm better at recognizing that I *will* feel like that, though, so now I can sometimes recognize it in session and talk about it before I leave. That helps.

Early in therapy, I felt absolutely tortured by the thought that I had told "too much". In a lot of ways, it was just something I had to get through...because no matter how many times T told me that it wasn't "too much", it was hard for me to believe him. And the worst part (for me) was that I knew there was so much more that I hadn't even told him yet.

For me, I just had to deal with the feelings and wait for time to pass. I needed to EXPERIENCE T's acceptance over and over and over again before I *really* believed that it wasn't too much.

I'm sorry you're struggling, rainbow.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Amongst the good feelings about my therapy, last night I suddenly started feeling like I told T too much. I feel exposed and yukky. I thought of emailing or calling her, but I don't know if I want to get into that habit. Maybe I feel exposed because of the feelings brought up by what I was talking about? I don't know. Does anyone feel "exposed" after therapy? She already knows almost all of my secrets, and I can't take them back!

YES YES YES I feel this way all the TIME with my T!! I even sent her an email about it last night.

You've only known her for one session and you were able to share a LOT with her because of your past experiences in T, but it doesn't change the fact that you don't know HER, so it makes total sense that you would feel exposed and want to take things back. Sometimes I think about everything my T knows and what if she wasn't a person I would tell these things to AT ALL in real life? How do I KNOW that she's really safe and okay when being "safe and okay" is part of her professional image?

Therapy is so much crazy trust. It's more intimate than going to the gynecologist, and you know just as little about your T as you do about the doctor. Or less. That is hard!

[WePow]

(((rainbow))) It takes guts to open up to another person the way you did with kt.
It also does leave us sometimes feeling exposed and vulnerable.
Many times we have spent so much time hiding who we are from others out of fear that they will use the knowledge about us against us as a weapon. So I applaud you for being brave and doing what you are doing to open your heart up.

[rainbow8]

Ascension, thank you for responding to me. Yes, this must be the kind of therapy I need right now.

Blue: You're right. I feel like the clock is ticking away. It's NOW or never. But, to clarify, I brought up my relationship with bt yesterday. She didn't. I wanted to tell her about my good-bye letter and response, and about my fears of repeating it. She did "go there" with me, so I see what you mean, though. She could have said something invalidating or said "don't worry about it" instead.

I feel more than uncomfortable now, though. I feel exposed because of everything I told her.

Maybe at some point you could tell your kids that dt wasn't so competent but that most Ts are much better.

jexa, the cool thing is that I didn't know that IFS dealt with the "inner child." I am glad, though atm I feel yukky about it. Thanks for posting to me again! To clarify, this was my third session, not first, and each one was 1 1/2 hours long, though her sessions are 60 minutes usually, she said. You're right. It's like going to the gynecologist, but worse, LOL. Much worse. It helps to know I'm not alone with these feelings.

Thank you, MissCharlotte. I guess I decided to "take the plunge" and I'm glad I did. It's never too late, I learned.

Peaches, thank you. Well, I brought up my feelings for my former T to her first, but she pursued it, didn't brush me off. That's a good sign!

tree, I appreciate your reminding me of how you feel. I've read your threads about it, but then when it happened to me, I panicked! In my case, I don't know kt yet, so I started thinking "what if she's not trustworthy?" She has a lot of open time; I've not seen another client yet when I've been there. But she sure seems experienced, and her degree is on the wall. It's just SO scary, and I have shame about stuff that most people would not think shameful at all. It just makes me weird, and now kt knows it.

I did tell most of this stuff to my other Ts, but this T is more direct about it, and it came up so much sooner, not like my other therapies where I went so much more slowly.

WePow, thanks. Yes, exposed and vulnerable. I know it didn't bother T, of course, and that if I did call her, she would say something comforting. I know that about her already. But my insides are all shaken up about the session!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Amongst the good feelings about my therapy, last night I suddenly started feeling like I told T too much. I feel exposed and yukky. I thought of emailing or calling her, but I don't know if I want to get into that habit. Maybe I feel exposed because of the feelings brought up by what I was talking about? I don't know. Does anyone feel "exposed" after therapy? She already knows almost all of my secrets, and I can't take them back!

The great thing about opening yourself up and sharing is that once it's out there, it loses some of it's power. We give our thoughts and feelings so much power when we try to contain them inside. Letting them out is like letting some steam out of a pressure cooker. It really makes it safer for us in the long run. We're less likely to explode.

[WePow]

It may take some time to not feel "off" for letting your guard down.
Just allow yourself the time you need to get "ok" with what you shared.
Logically, you know you had to share those things.
Emotionally, it is like something says "Why did you share THOSE things!"
Allow both to be right at the same time :-)

[rainbow8]

farmergirl: Bt used to tell me about thoughts losing their power after you tell them. I told her a lot, but when I was ready. My new T asked me more questions than any of my former Ts have ever done. I wasn't expecting it, so I felt like I was caught off-guard. I like to be asked questions, though it's difficult for me to always answer them.

WePow, I liked what you said about "both being right." I'm glad I shared but still feel exposed.

[sunrise]

rainbow, I too feel like I told my T too much at my last session. I feel like it was a mistake. Yet I know if I asked him, he would say it was OK. It's scary to expose oneself and be vulnerable. I bet at your next session, you will find reassurance and acceptance. For me, emailing or calling would not help with what I am feeling now. Contacting my T won't help me take back what I told. I find if I just wait out an urge like that, it passes. My T is not going anywhere and will be available to talk about this with me if I still want to at our next session.

I think you're doing great in developing your relationship with your new T. Maybe since you feel so exposed, it is a signal to slow down a little bit? If she asks questions you aren't ready to answer yet, you can always decline to answer and share later, when you feel more comfortable.

You're doing great, rainbow!