[zooropa]

missing the way I used to be numb. Just so tired of riding the waves of the emotions. Sure, I know by now that, like a wave, the feelings will go after a bit, but they come back. They always come back and the good feelings, when they come, never last either.

Went to group T this morning and realized how this is a process that will never end. I can't live waiting for my time with T, I don't even LIKE my time w/T half the time. But nothing else feels real, it feels like the rest of the week is just waiting for my next session.

ugh. I'm just tired, sick and tired of it all.

[jexa]

Oh zoo...

It is a process. Emotions ride within us.. all of life is ebb and flow... but I think I read someone say here that going through the process of therapy is like the tide coming in. You already know you've started to come to shore.. your T has helped to bring you out of a very dark place, where the tide was all the way out and there was no hope. You have worked hard to get where you are but the waves are still pulling you back and forth.. but soon, you will be able to stand on the shore.. not get sucked back in with the tide. You will stand on the shore, and the waves will still come and go, but you won't be pulled in with them.. this is what therapy is teaching you, and continues to teach you. No, you'll never stop feeling the emotions. But you will learn to let them ebb and flow without getting sucked in. And when that happens, you will be glad to still be feeling. You will not mind the emotions being there. But you can't force this.. it takes time..

You've worked so hard and come so far. I know you will stand on your own. I know you will win this fight for your mental wellness, zoo.

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

I hear you. I SO miss the numbness. I had a whole MENU of ways to numb out. The days feel so LONG sometimes.

We won't live from session to session forever. I go though long spans of LIVING between sessions sometimes...but then things get hard again, and I need that place where I am seen and heard and cared for and believed. And where I can feel and have it be safe.

You are doing SUCH good work, zoo. It won't feel like this forever.

[BlueMoon6]

I am the same way, Zoo. I get tired of the painful feelings and I dont trust the good feelings. So where does that leave me? I like what Jexa said about the ebb and flow of feelings and I SO relate to having a menu of ways to numb out (a literal menu, too!). I can tell myself that "this too shall pass" but when? When will it pass? Its as if I cant or dont enjoy life. Its not a dress rehersal, this is the real deal everyday, I wish I could just have a day that feels real, like I am really me without either running from feelings or being in pain from them. I have moments, but its not long enough.

Sigh...I so hear you on this one, too

[WePow]

((((( Zoo )))))))) It is hard to face the emotions when we know better how to deal with the NON-emotions. It is a very scary feeling at times. And we also understand what it is like to feel like we are living for session time. But this is the hard part - learning how to be healthy. It is hard to know how to live with joy when we have never really experienced it before. At least the pain is something we understand.
To allow the self to experience joy, love, and life - well that takes courage!
Especially for those of us who were abused and expect that anything good has to either have a catch or will be taken from us.

(((( zoo )))))

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by jexa

You will stand on the shore, and the waves will still come and go, but you won't be pulled in with them.. this is what therapy is teaching you, and continues to teach you. No, you'll never stop feeling the emotions. But you will learn to let them ebb and flow without getting sucked in..

I hope so, I hope you are right, Jexa. This sounds a lot like what my T says so I know there is wisdom in your words. I just have to hang on and try to get to that place.

Originally Posted by treehouse

The days feel so LONG sometimes.

We won't live from session to session forever. I go though long spans of LIVING between sessions sometimes...but then things get hard again, and I need that place where I am seen and heard and cared for and believed. And where I can feel and have it be safe.

YES. THIS. The looooong days between that brief hour where I am seen and heard and cared for and believed. Where I am safe.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I wish I could just have a day that feels real, like I am really me without either running from feelings or being in pain from them. I have moments, but its not long enough.

omg, thank you, blue. I am writing this down because this is so how I feel. If I could just have a day that feels real, a time that I could accept how I feel...thank you for understanding. I'm sorry you feel the same way.

Originally Posted by WePow

At least the pain is something we understand.
To allow the self to experience joy, love, and life - well that takes courage!
Especially for those of us who were abused and expect that anything good has to either have a catch or will be taken from us.

at least the pain is something we understand...as much as it hurts, it's our "comfort zone". Anything new is scary and you are right, it takes courage. And so many times we have hoped and trusted only to have it snatched away.

thank you for understanding : grouphug:

[bluesylady]

Hi zoo and everyone else on this thread. Zoo you are doing so well in just recognizing where you are at and where you need to go. That's quite a step forward. I was just thinking of this very same thing today about really feeling emotions, good and bad and sometimes the bad ones seem so overwhelming. One thing I am happy about even with all the uncomfortable, overwhelming emotions is that it's really awesome to now be able to really feel these emotions. Being emotionally numb was certainly easier but it's wonderful to now feal real. (I hope you understand what I mean.) Feeling real is a good thing IMHO.

I wish you all the best on your journey twards healing and health. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You seem to be heading in the right direction.

Be well and take care,
bl

[tryingtobeme]

(((((((((((((zooropa)))))))))))

Not sure what to say but I hear your pain.

[Melbadaze]

I think /I feel that way when I'm in the middle of something. But once through it I know I woildn't wish to go back. It brings a warmth with it and a feeling of depth.

[Sannah]

Z, , it will get better........... In the mean time, aren't you glad that you have a place like this to vent this frustration?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Z, , it will get better........... In the mean time, aren't you glad that you have a place like this to vent this frustration?

omg, yes! So thankful to have this place!