When you met your T, how did you know that T clicked with you? That T was the right one for you?

How could you tell?

this is going to sound crazy, but i feel like i can't tell.
for example, i knew the last T was making me worse, but I kept thinking that I could do something better to make it work.
That it is my fault and if I fix it, T and I will click and everything would be ok.....except I don't know what to fix?

[jexa]

I think I just compared it with the feeling I had with my last T. Like, ohhh, this feels so much better than last time. This is what it's supposed to feel like. It's really hard to explain the "click." I think that it was knowing somehow that she was seeing the whole picture. I didn't leave feeling like she missed something big. And the second session was very very telling. I left the second session feeling simply understood. It was amazing to me. I barely knew her, and she just.. got it. I don't know how else to explain it.

[gravyyy]

The first T I had I just walked in and actually enjoyed being there and talking with her. We had a very relaxed conversation and felt fine right away confiding in her. I absolutely knew it was the right fit even though I had never been to therapy before. I was with her for 2 1/2 years and if I hadn't moved I'd definitely still be with her.

With my new T, I am basically with her because it's convenient. I still open up to her and am honest with my inner most thoughts but it's just not the same. It's an adequate fit but not perfect. We've had misunderstandings already but all have been fixed through communication. As long as I can communicate with her I will stay with her.

My suggestion would be to give it at least 4-5 sessions. I was going to leave mew T after 3 sessions but had a really good 4th and 5th sessions and so I stayed and I'm happy with it. There are times when you connect right away but the therapeutic relationship, like most relationships, typically takes work before you can really tell if it's going to work. I wish you the best in this!! SUch a difficult process.

[rainbow8]

It's funny, but I never thought about "clicking" with my first 3 Ts. I didn't know enough about therapy, especially the first time, to realize that it mattered! I started feeling connected to T #1, but it took over a year to realize that we "clicked".

I didn't have much choice with T #2 and 3, either. I didn't think about if it was working or not. I just went each week, and fortunately, they were both competent, whether or not we "clicked".

I was intrigued, for lack of a better word, by my most recent T, before we "clicked". I felt more comfortable with her than with the others. I thought she understood me and that she knew what she was doing. We had a good relationship even though she couldn't help me with everything and I went on to #5. I don't know if I "click" with my new T as much as I did with my former one, but I "click" with the way she does therapy. That's probably healthier for me. She's nice, considerate, and seems to be competent. Right now, that's good enough for me.

I think you DO have an idea if a T will work for you or not. People told me to go with my gut feeling, and that's what I did. But it may take a number of sessions to decide. How long have you been seeing this T? I'm confused if you've complained about this new T, or if the complaints were about your former T.

I guess I just felt comfortable with him from the very first session. And he had me pegged from the very beginning. I don't know how, but he just "got" me right from the very start. I could tell he was going to be a very insightful t.

I was kinda like farmer girl, he just got me; like he could read my mind, and he was gentle. Very gentle. Slow because i was so scared.
Then he did something extra, i was always afraid in the beginning to go into the office, so i would often wait in my car, (before cell phones~LOL) and he would come out to the car to get me, it took me along time to wait in his office and he was okay with that.. again, gentle and calm...

[sunrise]

I didn't really think about clicking, I just was hoping this T would be able to help me. My first T (saw her for 10 months with a 3 month break in there somewhere) had helped with some depression symptoms, but wasn't able to help me move forward in my life. I was stuck, and she had no idea how to help me. So I quit and didn't plan to seek out another T because I felt all would be the same and it was up to me alone to solve my problems. (I had no special relationship with her, and didn't know I was supposed to.)

By happenstance, I went to see a T recommended to me as being expert in my problem. I had no expectations at all, really. I just thought, hey, if the guy can help, wouldn't that be great? At the first session, I was impressed with how he interpreted events in my life and thought he knew why I was so stuck. My first T had never had any of these insights. He seemed brimming with confidence that he could help me, that he had done this many times before. He was bold and I felt his power. I also thought he was kind of ballsy, and I liked that. At one point, he rose from his chair, and towered over me, and said, "I'm not a therapist, I'm a healer." I thought that was very bold and also a little funny/melodramatic. But yet I liked it too. I was intrigued and really drawn to him because he thought he could help me. There was a month until our next session, and he left me an encouraging phone message that I kept playing over and over again during those weeks, "I look forward to helping you heal." I think it was those words that really made me attach to him.

For his part, he has said that what he liked about me at the beginning was that I was very open, even in session 1, and cried a little, softly. And he also said I was able to communicate quite directly with him, compared to many new clients, so he didn't have to spend a long time teaching me to be direct and communicate effectively. He said this latter really helped us make swift progress. On my part, I was extremely motivated to move forward--I just needed someone to help me do it. Together we flew. Early days were great, filled with discovery and progress.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Solarwind

what im trying to say is how do you know that your NOT the problem that you cant fit with anyone

Maybe just assume that no one is necessarily a problem. Sometimes two people can be just fine but they still don't fit. If the therapist and you are not a good fit, don't blame yourself. At least you identified it early and did not waste much time with that person.

I wonder if you can increase your odds of finding a therapist that will fit with you by doing a few pre-screening questions on the phone with the Ts before you meet with them? I'm just guessing, but maybe say you are looking for someone who treats trauma, is patient, gentle, and not too aggressive. If they agree that they fit that description, then you could move on to an in person meeting.

[3velniai]

I didn't exactly know what the click should be all about, so I decided to stay with T for 2 reasons. 1) at the time when I started seeing her I used to diss out quite often and sometimes people seemed not real to me. I looked at her and kind of knew I will never doubt if this lady is real. 2) I have these parts in my head, one of them is strictly against therapy in general. That part said "ok ok, we can see this lady, I'm not going to be involved in this stuff, but ok, we can at least come and see her".
I guess this is how the clicking was for me.

[darkrunner]

Hi Solarwind,
That is a good question and I wish I had an answer.
I don't trust myself at all, and there have been times when I felt like I totally CLICKED, but ended up turning out very badly.
So even if I feel like I clicked with a T, I'm always second-guessing.

I think, for sure, if a T is making you feel worse then it is wise to move on.
I hope you're not hard on yourself for anything you've done in the past about staying with a T, but just use it as a learning experience for what you will do in the future.

[Mike_J]

I don’t know how it is for others just know how things happened with me.
I was sitting in the waiting room nervously awaiting my fist therapy appointment, had all ready filled out all the paperwork with the receptionist, so I was just sitting there as my anxiety slowly built. I heard a door open down a short hallway, a man left the office (I assume he was the patient who had the appointment before mine) I didn’t get a good look at the woman who followed him out (my therapist) noticed one thing that really shook me to my core, she was a redhead. I literally put my head down into my hands and said to myself "OH ****" Not that I have a problem with redheads, just have a long history with redheaded women, when one shows up in my life it usually a sign of significant events are on the horizon. I still bear the jagged scar that never fully healed when a certain redhead used a chainsaw to rip my heart out, then there is the long list of redheads that have messed with my head and or heart in one way or another. Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my wife yet another redhead.

I don’t normally believe in signs/omens but in this case I knew this was pointing to something good, or something very very bad.

I could go on, there are a lot of details I’m skipping over, but about ten minutes into our session, I looked into her eyes, and my mind just went blank, never had something like that happen before. When my brain slowly started to function again I decided that while I was still unsure about the whole concept of therapy I had at least found a therapist that I could connect with.

[cmac13]

I knew after the first session that I was going to be able to work with her. 18 years later and she continues to be a great support and comfort. She is understanding, gentle, open minded and very motherly. I am blessed to have her in my life.

[pinksoil]

It took me awhile to know that we clicked, but it sort of came about naturally. I was, of course, trying my hardest to avoid 'the click.' I didn't want to get attached, so I attempted to convince myself that I hated him, that he was a crappy therapist, that we weren't getting any work done, and that I was going to quit very soon. Well, five years later, I'm still showing up!

I knew we clicked because his sense of humor is as black, dry, and sarcastic as mine. That's hard to find! It's very important to me that a therapist understands my sense of humor, and can participate in banter and all that. The fact that we could "play" in therapy really confirmed my strong connection to him.

[BlackCanary]

I was reminded of it today, when I called to leave him a message and he ANSWERED THE PHONE.
It was such a comfortable conversation, unexpected since I always get voice mail. He laughs at my jokes, similar sense of humor. I just love talking to him! Therapy is not like this, I try to keep the chit-chat to a minimum since that's not why I am there. But, I know that we can also click in a warm and friendly way, too. Like a super comfy pair of slippers after wearing heels all day at work. He agrees that we have a good fit, feels comfortable; you could ask that question of the therapist next visit, how does your T think you two fit?

On the first visit, he did not make me feel awkward about my family, didn't quiz me about my mom or try to draw a connection between my childhood and how I felt then. I think I just rambled on about all sorts of crap for 45 minutes. This is what I needed - others had made me feel uncomfortable, defensive and I never went back.

However, now that I have learned HOW to do therapy, I think I could work with someone else and not have the "great fit" thing. It could be a good enough fit, 80% good.