sharing and then getting mad? (si mentioned)

I seem to be in this repetitive pattern of telling or showing T things and then getting really mad at her. Or finding something to misinterpert. I don't know if I misinterperted it this time though. I had asked my T why it was wrong to hurt myself if everyone else was allowed to hurt me. She asked who I was referring to. I said the abuse from my parents. (She knows the existence of the emotional abuse.) She asked if there was physical abuse or just emotional abuse. This made me so angry. What is the emotional abuse not enough. Does the pain from that not count? Would it make more sense if I wanted to make myself hurt emotionally instead of physically? I just felt like she didn't think the emotional abuse counted. That it for some reason couldn't hurt. Isn't it enough? Doesn't it get to hurt? Or do I need to have bruises, and cuts, and broken bones for people to believe that I was hurt?

This has made me soooooo mad. I don't know if I'm legitimately mad or if I'm just trying to distance myself from her again. I left her an angry voice mail in the middle of the night about this but didn't specifically ask her to call back so I don't know if she will.

It's important to tell her how you felt, so she can clarify her intent. Maybe it is as you have interpreted, but perhaps she did not mean that at all. This process of seeking clarification is one I have worked on in therapy. Sometimes I was creating problems for myself with my wrong interpretations, and these could fester and grow. Instead, I could just ask T and get it all cleared up. I still find this hard to do, but I am getting better. I have to ask myself sometimes, "why do you prefer to think the worst about what he said instead of just asking and coming to a true understanding, which may not be so bad after all?" I think part of it is because I have had relationships in my past in which I was not allowed to ask (negative consequences might ensue), so it is a new "habit" to learn.

Hey Googley, yeah, this is something to share with T. Like Sunrise, I wasn't used to speaking up or stating my needs or issues and I had to learn how to do it. I started out not even being aware of what I felt or needed when interacting with others. Then I progressed to being aware but later, after I left the interaction. Finally I progressed to being aware in the moment but then I had to work on speaking up. It is all a learning process, a very valuable one.........

(((((((((((Googley))))))))))))))

It is SUCH a familiar pattern to me to open up with T and then get angry at him. We seem to have FINALLY broken out of it (fingers crossed), but it took, literally, YEARS.

I think for me, every new level of disclosure was a new level of vulnerability for me. And every new level of vulnerability made me want to push T away so he wouldn't hurt me. And then we would work through it and it would be a deeper level of closeness and safety with T as a result. So I would disclose something new and the cycle would start again - disclosure, vulnerability, rupture, repair, intimacy, disclosure, etc. etc. Ack!

The thing is, T DOES say things that I need clarification on (like your T did). He did when we had the ruptures and he still does. I think the difference is that now I don't need to push him away in the same way, so I am able to just ask for the clarification and work through it with him. I may even get angry, but it's not so BIG and rupturing.

For me, it just had to happen that way. T said at one point "it couldn't be any other way". That is just how it worked for me, and we had to do it again and again and again and again and again until ALL of me finally understood that this guy actually is safe.

I'm glad you called T. And if you need to talk to her, call again and ask for a call back. This is part of the process, and it's okay.

From my perspective of what you said, it sounded like your t was just checking to see if there had been any physical abuse because she only knew of emotional abuse. That isn't saying the emotional abuse didn't matter. It was just her clarifying what she knew about you. I think you have misinterpretted what she said.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have been working on this same thing. I used to take weeks before I realized that things would upset me. Now I'm usually at a few days. I think I had a hint in T yesterday, but not enough to grasp on to. So instead it was after I went home.

I hate these things that I just keep making a mess of.

Awwww, googley, you're not making a mess of anything. You're working hard. This really REALLY isn't easy.

And it did take years for me, but the times between the ruptures got longer and longer and longer and longer...so it wasn't constant. I think when we've been hurt, building trust takes TIME, you know? It totally makes sense.

It won't hurt this bad forever, googley.

I think I ruined it. I don't think she is ever going to want to talk to me again. How could I leave angry voice mails. I don't leave people angry voice mails. The last one I told her how I wanted to show her how much it hurt by hurting myself (not threatening, just saying that was how I was feeling and asking her to call). And she hasn't called me back. I know she isn't good at calling back. But I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. What if she never wants to see me again? What if I ruined everything? I don't know what to do.

((((((((googley)))))))

There are few things more spiral-inducing that waiting for a phone call from T

Look at what you wrote above:

I KNOW she isn't good at calling back
I FEEL like she doesn't want to talk to me

What you KNOW is what is true. What you are FEELING are fears that aren't based in the truth at all. You're scared of getting in trouble for being angry, that's all.

T has shown you before that she welcomes all of your feelings, including anger. We don't have to be all rational and "perfect" in our relationships with T. We can struggle and flail and show them the parts of ourselves that we would never show anyone else....we HAVE to...otherwise, how can they help us heal?

I really really really get how scary it is. I've had times like you are having when I am afraid I'm in trouble and I'm waiting for T to call and it just feels HORRIBLE. I know.

Here are for you. I wish I could do more.

Very good!

So you think that you are making a mess of things? Actually this is how you heal. We were in bad environments and we took some of these dysfunctional environments inside of us. Therapy is about letting out these bad environments and then working through it to learn what works and what is functional. I know it feels like crap. You can't believe that you have these things inside that keep coming out and make things messy but this is how it works. And as you keep letting it out and working on these things, things will get better..........

So my T called and she clarified (like FG said) she was just asking if there was physical abuse. She also said that she knew the emotional abuse hurt and that it still hurts. She said that it was okay. I feel much calmer now after talking to her. She was supportive even though I was angry with her. I can only think of two other people in my whole life who were supportive of me when I was angry at them. And I didn't leave either of them angry voice mails. (Though I did leave a meeting I was having with one of them.) And one of them was my T and the other was a supervisor (long story). It somewhat perplexes me that she was still supportive of me when I was so angry with her and left her angry voice mails. But it left me feeling cared for. That she isn't going to kick me out of T.

This is what T's are supposed to do. If they can't do this they have no business being a T. I'm so happy for your good outcome! (And don't forget that you got this outcome because you continued to communicate with your T. This good outcome most likely wouldn't have occurred without your good work).

I know that earlier in T, T actually LIKED it when I would get angry. He would always kind of have to cover his mouth to hide a smile - which would make me even MORE angry. I remember he used to tell me at every single session "it's okay if you get angry at me". Honestly, the first time I got angry was literally just because I was so sick of him saying that. LOL For real!!

Therapy is so different now that we've been together for so long. I do know that I am still allowed to get angry - and he is allowed to get angry at me too. It feels good to be able to be SO honest with someone and know that the relationship will still be there.

Actually, I think that's how good relationships work. People can get angry at each other, and then they can work it out and the relationship can continue. I think so many of us have had such limited experience being in really healthy relationships, that it just seems almost impossible to believe it can work that way, you know?

I am SO glad T called and that you feel better.

This is so true. I told myself in high school that if what my parent's had was love, then I didn't want it. So pretty much, no good example of a healthy relationships for me. I don't know what to expect in a healthy one.

I was just wondering why you didn't express your feelings immediately after she asked you if you have physical abuse also? Did you answer and say emotional only and then think about it later? I agree with above posters that she was trying to clarify things--NOT that she was saying one was more severe than the other. As a matter of fact sometimes emotional can be worse than physical. I think she just wanted all the correct details so she can know you better and all your details. You didn't "ruin it," you just thought you knew what she was thinking and we never know what anyone is thinking. Forgive yourself. I'm sure she already knows you well and I'm sure she isn't thinking poorly of you. She probably wants to address it face to face. Therapy is best that way. Just bring this up next time and try to talk about why you reacted so severely, like you were worried she wouldn't take your experiences that seriously--or whatever you truly felt. You will feel better and closuer to her after you do this I suspect.