[tryingtobeme]

Session with my huband last night. We see a husband and wife team. My H always seems to think there is nothing wrong with our relationship. I am the one causing all the problems. Even when the T's say that it takes two, he still acts like it's all me. I end up feeling so low, don't deserve to be here, he should be with someone else to make him happy.

Today is no exception. After session I told my husband that it doesn't pay to say anything any more. The more I do, the more I am hated by him. Said that everything would be better if I was gone. Interesting that he didn't say anything. To me that says, go ahead and leave, take your life. Before he would always tell me know, that he loves me and wants to work through things and he couldn't have his life if I wasn't around.

I don't know what to do anymore with him. As of now, the more it continues the way it is, I will be leaving him, he will leave me, and I will never trust him. I can't see myself ever trusting him fully. Of course, he doesn't understand that.

Many times I see myself leaving, packing up my son, and leave the state. Start a new life someplace. Some place no one will know me.

My thoughs are really spinning today. I am finding it very difficult to get the anxiety to go away. It's so hard to even focus. I guess I should just be dead and save everyone else the hassel.

I'm so sorry your are going through this. Just know we're here for you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear Trying,

there is so much pain here...
((((((((((((((((((((((((( trying to be me ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
do you see a T one-on-one, besides this team thing?
SAWE

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Dear Trying,

there is so much pain here...
((((((((((((((((((((((((( trying to be me ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
do you see a T one-on-one, besides this team thing?
SAWE

Yes I do see a T to work on my childhood and BPD issues.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

Yes I do see a T to work on my childhood and BPD issues.

maybe you could share with yr own T these thoughts of doing away with yourself, and see if the two if you can find a way forward. For one thing, yr son would be so damaged if you did that, TTBM, maybe when you feel like that you can look through his eyes for a monent.

just one thought about difficult times with DH.. mine is a man of few words and when difficult conversations arise, I tend to interpret his silences - and have found over 35+years that I often interpret wrongly. Maybe silence is one way of not making it worse by saying something emotional , poorly considered, or rash.
Hope you come to a peaceful place soon. come sit by me ifyou want to; I will be keeping you close

[sunrise]

TTBM, that sounds so very painful. I am glad you have your own T too. You have been very courageous in striving for a better relationship with your H by going to couples therapy. I have recently divorced my H, and those years of trying to improve the relationship and then coming apart, were so very difficult.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

My H always seems to think there is nothing wrong with our relationship.

Does he say in session that there is nothing wrong with your relationship? Does he say he is happy with the way it is now?

My H always seems to think.... I am the one causing all the problems.

When I was married, on rare occasion, I would try to talk to my H about our relationship and very respectfully and non-threateningly say how I felt. These weren't global discussions, just brief reaching out for help with the relationship. My H would act like there was no problem in the relationship for him, that we were doing fine. And I would leave the conversation feeling bewildered--how could I think the relationship was in trouble and he think it was fine? It must be I who is making up this problem. Years later, after H and I were able to talk with each other better, after couples therapy and splitting up, he told me that no, when I would come to him to talk, he did not think our relationship was OK. He just said that to me because he said he felt if we discussed it, that it would become a real problem, that acknowledging it would make it real. And so he just said everything was OK because he was in denial. It was less scary or something for him to say there was no problem. So I wonder if your H really thinks you are causing "problems"? I wonder if he sees that there are problems, but just doesn't want to deal with it?

he should be with someone else to make him happy.

No one can make another person happy. The person has responsibility for their own happiness too. After my H and I separated, he said to me after a while that he had had several relationships with other women, one lasting almost a year, and that he had the same problems in all of these relationships. He had realized that it wasn't just me, but he played a big part in how our relationship went off track. He was repeating this with other women, and at least one of them didn't hesitate to tell him what the problems were and how he was contributing. (She did in one year what it took me many many years to do!)

Interesting that he didn't say anything. To me that says, go ahead and leave, take your life.

I don't think you can really know what is in his mind when he doesn't say anything. These are good conversations to have while your couples' therapists are present. You can say, "when you're quiet like that, I wonder if that means you want me to go ahead and leave?" And he has a chance to respond directly, and the presence of the therapists should ensure that he does.

Many times I see myself leaving, packing up my son, and leave the state. Start a new life someplace. Some place no one will know me.

Why would you want to go someplace where no one knew you? Even if you split up, I hope you can stay close so that your son can have his father in his life.

Said that everything would be better if I was gone.

To me, your statement seems like a non-accusatory way of saying there are problems in the marriage and that you are the cause. I wonder why you phrase it that way? Another person might phrase it, "everything would be better if you were gone." I'm not saying that is better, but it is interesting how willing you are to believe this is your fault. Behind your words, what I hear is, "our relationship is so painful to me that I am starting to wonder if we might be better off separating from each other." That's just a guess, but if it's true, why not say that? There is something about an "it's my fault, everything would be solved if I were gone" type of appeasing statement that doesn't engender the response one hopes for. It almost seems designed to evoke pity or make the other person feel guilty, and people do not respond well to that. By that, I am not trying to say I don't sympathize with you (I do!!!), but just trying say that that type of statement to a partner usually doesn't help.

I don't know what to do anymore with him. As of now, the more it continues the way it is, I will be leaving him, he will leave me, and I will never trust him. I can't see myself ever trusting him fully. Of course, he doesn't understand that.

Does he not understand that because you haven't told him? Does he not understand because you have told him those words in therapy and he has said he doesn't get it? In therapy, when a spouse says he doesn't understand, the therapist can help the spouse hear and understand the words. I think if there is trouble communicating in therapy, it is a very good strategy to address the therapist directly, "T, I feel like even though we talk about this, there is no understanding. I feel like I'm not getting through to my H. How can I communicate so that I'm heard?" There were many times in couples therapy when I said one thing, and my H heard me say something entirely different and then he would get all upset and angry. (And it went the other way too.) It was great to have the neutral therapist there saying, hey, wait a minute, what did you think she just said? And my H would have to repeat what he heard, which was not what I said. And the T would provide the reality check and tell my H that was not what I said. Sometimes the T would repeat my words to my H. If it was someone else saying the words to him, he could "hear" them better and not jump to wrong conclusions. Couples therapy can be so very, very difficult.

I guess I should just be dead and save everyone else the hassel.

I hope you will share that thought with your individual therapist. From an outsider looking in, it looks to me like you are shouldering the blame for all of this and putting yourself down. You are not the only one in the relationship, TTBM. This is a shared responsibility with your H. Your being gone would not save anyone anything! And it would rob your son of his mother.

Hang in there with all of this. I urge you not to abandon the couples therapy. Do you find that having 2 therapists present during the sessions helps you? Is one considered "yours" and the other considered "his"? If you have one that is considered "yours", maybe having a individual chat with that person might be helpful--saying how you don't feel understood in session, that you are perceiving that your H thinks you are causing the problems, and the current methods of communication in therapy don't seem to be helping achieve true communication. Ask for suggestions. If you can't have the individual chat due to the guidelines for therapy you have established, you could have this discussion while all are present.

I am thinking of you and will check back in. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. Best wishes.

[chaotic13]

I still tend to blame myself for my marital problems. Seems like just last session my T was very frank with me, yet again and said. Seems like you have a great relationship with your kids, with H's kids, you have good friends and a good job...Maybe its him?

I didn't respond to her comment, but we both knew the comment had landed. Part of me gets it but there is another part that...just can't seem to NOT blame me.

I think this is a really hard issue to tackle. ((((Many hugs))) to you.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I still tend to blame myself for my marital problems.

chaotic and TTBM, I too was one of those who blamed myself for the marital problems. For me, I think part of it was a "maintaining hope" attitutude. If there were problems in the marriage being caused by me, then I could change my behavior and solve the problems and the marriage would improve, or so my thinking went. To acknowledge that the other person may be in large part responsible for the problems can be very scary. It puts the responsibility for change with them, and we certainly can't make a person change. This attitude can make a person feel powerless, like relinquishing control of improving the relationship to the other person, who you know is not going to change, so you then feel stuck and hopeless, which can lead to depression. If you keep thinking it is your fault and you can change things, it is (falsely) empowering. It's a very tricky thing. Do we blame ourselves and so maintain hope? Or do we open our eyes and realize they are responsible too, and then realize this may be therefore be the end of the relationship if they won't take responsibility and change? For me, I was so scared of the marriage ending, that I was all too willing to take full "blame" for the problems, so as to maintain hope.

TTBM and Chaotic, if this seems really convoluted, and totally not applicable to you, sorry. Maybe it was just my weird way of thinking.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise it didn't seem convoluted at all. Maintaining hope may be exactly what I'm doing. I keep thinking that somehow, if I make some internal shift, I get myself to a place where I can accept how my marriage really is. If I can just get certain needs met on my own or in other acceptable way, I won't feel so empty, alone, misunderstood when I look at my marriage. In my case...I've been able to make most of the shifts necessary, except one. And unfortunately when that reality hits me, there is no denying that I am not happy and I totally crash.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((tryingtobeme))))

I hear you my friend and I understand. My ex- was never to blame and it was all my fault. He went one time with me to see my t and it was the last. My t said she has never seen anyone like him before. He was trying to tell her how to be a t and that she would tell me to stop and move on if she was a good t. Truth is it does take two and no one person is totally at fault. There are so many things I could say but the main thing is you are worth living and your son needs his mom.

Know that I am listening and I hear you. I care and am here for you. Please remember to breathe and to take time to take care of you. Keep reaching out and talk to your t about this. He is there for you. If things keep feeling this way please reach out to t or call someone for help. You are worth caring about and your life is worth being here. Please pm me anytime you need to talk. I am here for you my friend. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[dfh932]

(((((((tryingtobeme))))))))))

I know how you feel. It's the denial that is the worst, for me. Sometimes I wish H would just react and engage. I told him, i don't care if you get mad or confused or disagree or or whatever, but as long as you are interacting, i feel more validated than being flat-out ignored, or told i'm wrong?! im making it up in my head? im crazy?

The refusal to acknowledge YOU, your thoughts, feelings and reality.....I'm speaking from my own heart, but that for me leads to major desperation. It sounds like you are in a hard place right now.

Being desperate and hopeless is no way to live. I'm so sorry you are struggling and your H is being like this. I feel you, and to be rejected like that is just....it can cause a person to have some very unhealthy reactions.

I don't know if this is how you feel but sometimes it gets so frustrating to be told that nothing is going on, my perceptions are wrong, what i'm saying is not happening, that i start to doubt whether i'm like real or not ?

Like, when someone loves you, they are supposed to acknowledge you. When you communicate or hurt. then they are supposed to engage with you, and care about you. It seems like the most basic thing.

Since it is the most basic thing, i guess, when you don't have that, it can undermine everything --your identity, relationship, and ability to trust anyone, even yourself.

When someone just denies you love and acknowledgement, its like they are saying you dont matter, they are the ones who matter, and their reality is what is real.

Its like they dont have room for your thoughts and feelings, only their own, and accepting YOU means they lose something, or are giving in to something or just ....they dont want to do it.

I don't have much wisdom to offer but wanted you to know that I understand your pain, and am having very similar relationship troubles. I admire you for your strength, and you deserve better. You really do.

I hear stories about how some H's will actually 'wake up' and realize how they are being and change. But there has to be some kind of limits on that because we could hold out hope forever, losing more and more in the meantime. The cost of waiting is very high.

((((((((((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))))))))))))))))

[tryingtobeme]

[quotesittingatwatersedge]maybe you could share with yr own T these thoughts of doing away with yourself, and see if the two if you can find a way forward. [/quote]

SAWE-Thank you for thinking of me. I am working with my T about the suicidal thoughts. My son is what keeps me from acutally doing anything. He does need. My H wouldn't know how to care for him himself. My H, yeah he is hard to read at times. I am hoping the further in therapy we go the better it will be. I know deep down he isn't a bad person.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I still tend to blame myself for my marital problems. Part of me gets it but there is another part that...just can't seem to NOT blame me.

This is a very hard issues/feeling to not have. Let's hope both of us can someday not blame ourselves any more.

Originally Posted by dfh932

I know how you feel. It's the denial that is the worst, for me. Sometimes I wish H would just react and engage. I told him, i don't care if you get mad or confused or disagree or or whatever, but as long as you are interacting, i feel more validated than being flat-out ignored, or told i'm wrong?! im making it up in my head? im crazy?

My H thinks he has to always fix things. He really makes it hard. He can't fix my problems. He needs to fix his own and learn how to let me get through things without him. I am such and independant person and now that we have been going to therapy, he is smoothering me. Sometimes I wish he would get mad just so he will let me alone.

DPS and Sunrise. I do want to comment. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a chance.