[pinksoil]

BLAH. I have been out of treatment for seven weeks now, and I have only seen T three times-- and all three times, he saw me for no cost. I just started my new job. I haven't been able to see him because there was absolutely no way I could afford it. We have been keeping in touch by phone. I don't get paid until the 2nd week of April.

For awhile, I have been okay with this. Of course I missed him and our sessions, but I didn't think about it too much-- I seemed to be getting along just fine. This is mostly due to the support system that I now have. I go to 12-step meetings on a daily basis, I have a sponsor, and I go to an intensive outpatient program with a good therapist and great group members. However, things seemed to float right along after getting out of treatment. The wonder of being clean for the first time, practicing the spiritual principles which I have been taught thus far, and just experiencing the world in a new way, has been nothing short of amazing.

But as the weeks go on, it becomes difficult to adjust to my new life. It is still incredible, but my brain functioning and moods are totally thrown off, as my mind and body were completely psychologically and physiologically dependent on tranquilizers. As my sobriety progresses, stuff is coming up for me, emotions are getting kicked around, memories are coming back. While I get great support from those I have mentioned, I really need to be with my T. I really need the person who knows me best, and the person I feel most comfortable accessing my deepest and most painful emotions with. I am so ready to do the work-- most of my time in therapy was spent trying to do work, but turning away from it by using because I didn't want to feel... but I am ready. I really, really miss my T.

I know that I will be able to go back, and that I have already survived a total of 14 weeks with only three sessions (I went to treatment 1150 miles away from home, for seven weeks). But it seems like such a long time away.

[sunrise]

Congrats on your continued sobriety and also on finding a new job. How is the job going? I hope you like it and your colleagues/co-workers too.

That sounds very hard to not be able to see your T for so long. I'm glad you have all the other support. Will you be able to see him again once you start getting paychecks? Or maybe you will have health insurance at the new job that will cover your vists?

Hang in there. T is still in your life and it sounds like you are keeping in touch by phone. He will be there when you get your finances back on track.

Pink,

You are doing such good work. The first year of sobriety is so hard, and so amazing, and totally worth it.

Can you call T and tell him exactly what you said in your post? What if he is willing to give you another session? It's okay to ask for what you need. And it's okay for T to say "yes" or "no". But you'll never know unless you ask.

And in the meantime, lean as hard as you need to on your friends in your meetings. That's why they are there.

[splitimage]

May I suggest a book - it's called "First Year Sobriety - when all that changes is everything." It's written primarily for alcoholics but I'd imagine that it would apply to drug addiction to. You can order it on-line from hazeldon.org. I seem to remember it being under $15. It really helped me a lot, especially with the rediscovering emotions part.

Congrats on the new job, I hope it goes really well, and I hope you get to see T again just as soon as you get your finances settled.

--splitimage

[ECHOES]

pinksoil

Amazing how you are doing! Congratulations - a word that seems too small for all that you have been through and accomplished!

I'm so glad for you that you and T are keeping touch by phone. That must be bittersweet--wonderful, yet frustrating because you so much want to be there for a face to face session with the person who knows you best and has been so much a part of your journey, to continue that journey. The prospect of getting back must be very exciting!

I hope you are able to see him very soon.