[looking4polaris]

I've been reading with interest the recent posts regarding connecting with Ts (or not connecting) and I'm wondering how do you know if you are connecting with your T and they with you? What sorts of signs should I be looking for?

Past Ts have always said I was a very private person which I interpreted as hard to connect with. I'm very comfortable with current T, but don't know if there's a connection there.

I'm not so great at picking up subtle cues from people, so I'd really need some sort of proclamation or connection ceremony or big whack over the head to know if we'd reached a connection or no.

For those who feel connected, what makes you feel that way?
For those who don't, what leads you to believe there's no connection?

[deliquesce]

i felt connected, but apparently we aren't.
so i'm no good to respond to this post.

but if you find a T who does connection ceremonies then please pass on details, as i'm afraid i'm like you & need the big whack on head.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by looking4polaris

Past Ts have always said I was a very private person which I interpreted as hard to connect with.

My T has also said I'm a very private person. But I think he and I connect very easily. So maybe your Ts didn't mean you are hard to connect with when they said that.

I'm very comfortable with current T, but don't know if there's a connection there.

It's a really good question. I think there is a difference between comfort and connection. I was quite comfortable with my first T, but since I experienced the deep connection with my next T (the current guy), I have realized that the first T and I were really not connected at all.

I'm not so great at picking up subtle cues from people, so I'd really need some sort of proclamation or connection ceremony or big whack over the head to know if we'd reached a connection or no.

I like the idea of a connection ceremony. One time I shared something really earthmovingly major with my T and I told him how happy I felt to share this with him. And he responded by saying something kind of ceremonial, sharing his honor in receiving what I offered, and his acceptance of it. So maybe that's kind of a connection ceremony? Maybe each time we connect is a little ceremony.

What do you think your T would say if you asked her if she thought you were deeply connected? I guess one way to tell is to compare how you feel with your T to other relationships in your life in which you have felt deeply connected. Does this feel similar? Or does it fall quite short of those other deep relationships? The deepness of my T relationship measures up quite closely to the other most deeply connected relationships in my life (sadly, all in the past). I think a big part of it for me is that he seems to really "get" me.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i felt connected, but apparently we aren't.

Deli, why do you say that? Did pdoc say you were not?

[lily99]

It's a good question, but hard to answer. I guess because it's such an individual experience. I see myself as connected to T as I trust her, feel like I can share anything, and she just gets what I'm saying. I also know my connection to her is strong because she's always there with me in spirit in a way. But in terms of each session, I don't feel like I'm properly "connected" until it's almost time to finish. Maybe these things just need time.

i felt connected, but apparently we aren't.

(((((((((((deli))))))))))))

[Lamplighter]

Polaris you’ve raised a topic that bothers me too. I’ve read lots of people talking about feeling connected to their T and I don’t understand it myself. Have had several Ts over the years and can’t say I’ve ever felt connected to any of them. So I’d be interested to hear other’s responses too.

Sunrise what was the difference between your last T and current one that made you realize you’re now connected?

Lily99

she just gets what I'm saying.

I wonder if you could describe what you mean by this? How do you know if someone ‘gets’ what you’re saying? I find with T that I’m constantly feeling that he hasn’t understood what I’m saying so I’m endlessly repeating myself in untold variations trying to get my point across. I wonder if maybe he does actually get it and somehow I’m not picking up on the signals that tell me he does. What is it that lets you know he gets it?

Sorry Polaris don’t mean to hijack your thread. Maybe these questions will help you too (I hope anyway )

p.s sorry this post could be out of time order as I'm new and it won't get posted till moderated.

[darkrunner]

Polaris,
This IS a good question.
I don't feel connected with my T.
I don't feel like she understands me or knows exactly how to help me.
I don't really trust that she cares about me. I don't really think she believes me about certain things.
And I think she is pretty frustrated with me which makes it hard for her to be able to help me.
I guess this all sounds not good. But I am still trying, for now.
Take care....

I don't know how to explain it except that I know he "gets" me, and for someone to really "get" you requires a good connection I would think. We are able to "spar" back and forth, be honest with each other without really worrying about that causing any kind of problem in the relationship. That's what it feels like to me anyway.

[peaches100]

I can't figure out if connection is an emotional feeling for me or a physical one. It's like feeling warm and fuzzy and safe, and happy that somebody cares about me. I feel it in my stomach and my heart. I also feel disconnection in the same place physically. When i feel disconnected from my t, it feels like my heart aches, and there's an empty pulling (longing) feeling.

For me, it's like I carry my T with me outside the therapy room. I can feel her support and care often even when we're not together.

It took a long time to get to that point, though....For a long time, I feared that she disappeared as soon as I left her office.

She has said that she feels connected to me too. She often tells me "I thought a lot about you this weekend..." Or, "I saw this book and thought of you..."

[Chronic]

This is a great question. I'm not sure I really know what connection with T means. Sometimes I think Im connected to T, and then I read posts on here about others connection with their T, and I realise me and T are not connected at all. I think I am too "closed" to be able to connect with anyone. Maybe I just feel that T listens to me and doesnt judge etc, which is the oppostie of my real life, and maybe I am just grateful to T for that, and I misinterpret that as being connected. I never feel that he thinks about me outside T, or that we have a special relationship, even though I sometimes think he cares.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Torn Mind

Sunrise what was the difference between your last T and current one that made you realize you’re now connected?

Well, part of it is that he "gets" me, as I wrote, but also that I "get" him, at least to some extent. I think that reciprocity may be important for me, and I don't think that necessarily has to rely on the T's self-disclosure of the facts of his life, but rather that there is some emotional reciprocity. He cares for me, I care for him. He feels for me, I feel for him. There are times when my T feels very deeply what I am feeling, and there have been a few times when he cried too, because of my sadness and his empathy. There have been a couple of times when I cried for him too. Like one time I showed up at session and he had an injury and it was a hair's width away from having caused really serious damage. I felt very strongly for him then, and I couldn't help crying as he told me how it happened. At the end of the session, I remember he thanked me for my tears. I couldn't really prevent them. I just felt so connected that I couldn't not cry. With my first T, she was nice and all, but just not really there emotionally. Just kind of flat or non-present or somehow removed--I don't know how to describe it. She said things and all, and tried to have ideas, but there was no real spark or connection between us. I'm not really sure if she would have that with anyone.

[amante]

My interpretation of being connected means being able to talk about my feelings, share what's going on, break down and sob in the session. I wouldn't say I'm highly connected to my T but he's very supportive of what has happened to me and I feel that his support is 100% of the relationship.

[looking4polaris]

Thanks for all the input everyone. After this week's session and reading all your responses, I decided that I may not be "connected" to T yet but I'm definitely starting feel comfortable with him. Maybe that means I'm starting to be connected or have the potential to become connected or whatever. Either way, I'm pretty happy with the just being comfortable part right now. Looking forward, though, to experiencing the "T just gets me" relationship that some of you described. Maybe that will come in the future. Thanks again all. You're all an inspiration in my therapy journey!