[BlueMoon6]

That is exactly what it was. Such a heavy session I wouldnt even know how to write about it. I began with the stuff that was first on my mind, my husband and finances and our relationship. Actually, things are a bit better with us, but financially everything sucks. But T is helping me to get past some anger and see my H more clearly. And to articulate my limits with him. That was all well and good. I almost wish I had ended the session then and gone home.

We began to talk about my daughter overseas. And how I miss her, then it brought me into the flood dream I posted about. I dont even know how to write about what came up.This dream is part of a recurring thing that I have had for years and years. It takes different forms and we talked about the different forms it takes with the same theme. I am even afraid that if I write this I will have an anxiety attack. I can feel it coming on as I type. We talked about the form these dreams have taken on lately and have a lot to do with my experiences with sept 11th but that is the more recent development and only adds to the fears and panic in the dream.

There are deeper abuse issues in the dream that came up and some experiences I had but do not remember. Something when I was older and something when I was very young. I dont know how to describe how the memory is for me, it is almost not a real thing or feeling. The memory is fuzzy like a movie. But it is there in my dream as a feeling I have in certain locations that I re-visit in the dream over and over and over. I began to talk about it and then I felt like my mind was going blank.Even my physical person felt like I was going blank and disappearing. I had such an aversion to continuing to talk and I wanted to get away from the thoughts I was having as quickly as I could. I dont know how to describe what happend to me. There is a panic I have in a certain location in some forms of the dream and in other forms I am desperate to get to my old apartment. I had another one last night that was that form of the dream. I am desperate to get there and I am hoping that my landlord didnt give my apartment away. I loved it there, it was the only place I ever felt homey and comfortable. And then suddently Im in this other location where bad things happen to me and I cant find the train (the subway) or (any one of) my children. Someone took my child (which child is taken varies).

Some things came up here relating to csa and the fact that I never expected to live this long and never made any future plans and often f****ed things up because I didnt expect it to matter. And those things are in various forms of this recurring dream.

I am so freaked out tonight that I am afraid to go to sleep. I dont want to go there and I know I will. I cannot deal with this and all the pills in the world wont stop me from knowing what my dreams are telling me or what they have been pointing to. This is awful. I just want to shut my brain off.

Sorry....Im going on and on....yuck

((((BlueMoon))))

[darkrunner]

Blue Moon,
That sounds really hard.
I know what it is like to be plagued by dreams. Not only are the dreams awful, but the FEAR of having the dreams is awful, and the inability to control the situation stinks too.
It's not like you can avoid it - you need sleep!

I've just stopped taking my 'sleep med' - seroquel, and I've found the dreams coming back a lot.

Sorry this isn't very helpful...more like just comiserating.

How was it last night? I hope it was better than you expected.

((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))

I know that feeling of disappearing when the scariest things come up in therapy. T says that's when we know we're close to something really important. Your mind wouldn't be letting you go there unless it was safe enough for you to do so, even though it FEELS so scary and awful and horrible.

I hope last night was better for you. I hate when I get into a cycle of nightmares like that....it feels like there's no relief, not even in sleep

Does your daughter come home soon? I wonder if her return will settle things down inside a little bit.

Hang in there....you're doing good, hard work. Breathe.

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks griff, Darkrunner and Tree.

I slept better last night, but I didnt sleep that much. I went to sleep really late and got up really early. I didnt want to go back to sleep. Im having flashbacks where I just cannot stay present here in my house. Its better at the moment. I thought Id do something really grounding with my 3 yo so we soaked our feet and did a pedicure. It might sound strange but just doing something physical and putting my feet in hot water made me more present. And I could talk to my daughter like I wanted to.

I feel like I need to take a klonopin. I dont handle them well and fall right to sleep. I have parent-teacher conferences in the early afternoon so I dont want to go to school drugged. Being in the school for conferences is typically triggery for me. yuck. Maybe I'll find a friend to hang with. I thought Id bring my younger kids just to give me something to keep me present. I have flashbacks whether I want to or not and it is so disturbing to me.

My daughter comes home on thursday the 22nd. Maybe things will settle down when she gets home. A friend of mine came up to me when I was on carpool line and asked me if my 3 yo will be going into her pre-school program in the fall. I felt this wave of sadness. I told her I wasnt sure. Maybe I cant even think about that until my 13 yo gets home. I am not usually like this with my kids.

[jexa]

OMG ((((((Blue))))))) This sounds so hard. That feeling of feeling like you are physically disappearing.. that is so rough. Did T know you felt that way at the time? I don't even know or have any advice except that I think using your yoga breathing during this time is a very good idea. Is there any way you could plan a "welcome back" for your daughter over this week? Maybe that would help you feel connected to her while she is gone and it would also make her feel so good when she comes home. Maybe you could make her something? A "congrats for your first trip so far away from home"?

I don't know what else to say except

[BlueMoon6]

I couldnt really say anything to T. I dont know how to say it. I once told her that when I feel this way it is hard for me to say anything. Maybe I can tell her next time that I want to literally slow down the conversation. That I cant handle so much information at once, even if I am the one talking. I have to speak slowly and stay present.

Just as I finished posting the phone rang and it was my daughter! It is 7 hours later there than here and so it was late in the afternoon for her. She sounded so great and I talked to her and her best friend (who is there, too) and it was such a relief to talk to them. She did tell me she missed us and she was tired. When she talks to everyone else she she only says the good stuff, and it really IS all good, but when she talks to me she tells me she is tired and that the hiking in the desert has been hard on her. She is so tiny. She is an 87 pound 13 yo and so pale to be in the bright desert sunlight. Sigh. I must sound really nuts. But she says she made a ton of friends and they are all looking out for each other and making sure they all drink enough. I felt so releived to have this much time on the phone with her. And she said to call her tonight at 10:30 her time. I think she does want more contact with us.

[googley]

((((((((blue))))))))

[rainbow8]

((((Blue))))

I'm so glad you talked to your daughter. In spite of her tiredness, it sounds like she's having a wonderful time! I hope she is taking pictures!! Drinking a lot is a good idea. You were worried about her being shy but it sounds like she definitely has overcome her shyness.

Your session and all the dreams you're having sounds incredibly hard! I'm sorry you're in such pain from them. I don't know what to tell you except that it seems like you have to go through this and it will ultimately heal you. "The only way out is through."

[zooropa]

(((((blue)))))
I'm so glad you were able to talk to your daughter. And I'm really impressed with all the things you are doing to help keep yourself grounded and present. I don't know if you see it, sometimes it's hard to see in ourselves, but you have come so far and are doing SO WELL. I'm just all kinds of impressed. Hang in there. Keep talking. You will be ok.

[BlueMoon6]

Thanks Googley, Rainbow and Zoo. Youre right, when you are in it you cant see it. I am trying really hard to stay with it all.

When I get some releif from the trauma and therapy stuff, then my finances start tensing me up. I have been home with my kids up until this point but I am realizing that I have to work to make some kind of money. I am an RN but I hate nursing and I dont want to do that again. I just dont know what I can do. And how I can get a job real fast, preferably part time. Preferably getting paid well enough If it isnt one thing its another.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Thanks Googley, Rainbow and Zoo. Youre right, when you are in it you cant see it. I am trying really hard to stay with it all.

When I get some releif from the trauma and therapy stuff, then my finances start tensing me up. I have been home with my kids up until this point but I am realizing that I have to work to make some kind of money. I am an RN but I hate nursing and I dont want to do that again. I just dont know what I can do. And how I can get a job real fast, preferably part time. Preferably getting paid well enough If it isnt one thing its another.

Blue, there is an RN at my work who only works at the clinic to do vitals, meds dispensing, and sometimes taking blood. She gets to dress in normal business casual and she gets paid pretty well. Could you look around at psychiatry clinics? It would be easy work most of the time, except maybe dealing with blood test anxiety among people with mental health problems. Just a suggestion..

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by jexa

Blue, there is an RN at my work who only works at the clinic to do vitals, meds dispensing, and sometimes taking blood. She gets to dress in normal business casual and she gets paid pretty well. Could you look around at psychiatry clinics? It would be easy work most of the time, except maybe dealing with blood test anxiety among people with mental health problems. Just a suggestion..

That is such a good idea. That is the kind of job I can do without having to do anything too "medical." The problem is that I havent worked since 1994 and I would have to spend time doing all this stuff to be able to work as an RN anywhere, esp a hospital or clinic where they want your license perfect. I dont know about the latest technology or meds. I wonder if a school nurse would be a possibility. But I think you have to take some kind of school nurse course. Maybe I can do these things as I work in whatever I find. I was thinking about a preschool teaching assistant though I am really over qualified, I might get job fast. I think the pay is kind of low and that would be an issue. But at least I could have my 3 yo with me in some kind of class there and that would solve one problem.

I spent tonight typing up a resume. A friend helped me. I think it came out pretty good.