[Kiya]

I'm done with this business. I am in the "I hate you, don't leave me" stage.
She has told me she can't help me. She wants to help me. She tells other clinicians that she and I are still working on anxiety. She sends me to the ER to get help with anxiety. She tells me she is not in a position to take calls at night (now after telling me all this time to call her if i need to).

DID I MISS SOMETHING????

T 4 hours and counting. sux. i don't WANT to go!!!

I don't want her to tell me she can't help me or that "nothing we try works" or "you are unwilling to do the things I can provide" (which isn't even accurate. Then turns around and fills out a form that says I am a very willing client who works well and participates.

I don't want to talk about my being transfered.

I think maybe I just want to go it alone. Ironic that NOW i have (pretty crappy) insurance.

[Typo]

(((((((((((((Kiyacat))))))))))))))))

Sending warm safe feather filled thoughts my dear sis

Lots of love
typo aka lilfish

[pachyderm]

(((((Kiya)))))

[Sannah]

Are you going to share this with her today then?

[WePow]

((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))) Maybe sometimes a person needs to be angry with T or allow T to see their feelings. Not fun. But go be honest. What do you have to loose by just being flat out honest about things at this point? Big hugs to you!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

resending this ... post apparently didn't get through. Just sending you some support Kiya.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))) Maybe sometimes a person needs to be angry with T or allow T to see their feelings. Not fun. But go be honest. What do you have to loose by just being flat out honest about things at this point? Big hugs to you!!!

Butting in: "what do you have to lose?" IN MY MIND, AT LEAST, I have my life to lose. That's what it feels like. My life is potentially forfeit if I say the wrong thing. You say that is a "cognitive distortion"? BAD! Have the "correct" thoughts? How do I know which ones are correct and which ones not? Does this society always save people who express incorrect thoughts? Or is it more likely to punish when irritated?

Here is a quote that I remember reading: "Society punishes those whom it has previously offended." Can't find it online at the moment.

Sorry, WePow, it's not your fault. It's just that people just do not seem to take into account our previous experiences and will not allow for the effects of that.

Sigh.

[Typo]

(((((((((Pachy)))))))))))

[Kiya]

sannah, wepow - yeah.... i was thinking sort of along pachy's line. I have T to lose... and i don't want to lose her. and i hate her and am mad at her. and i don't understand that.
last time i saw her (2 weeks ago) when we went thru this *again* and i was crying *again* she asked "what is going on for you right now, kiya?" or something to that effect... and i felt several things at that moment; my life was forefit, i was sui, i wanted to run from there, never speak to her again, quit t for all of time, give her back all the things she's lent me with a note saying i quit. yell at her. tell her to go to hell.
not good stuff.
was in ER that afternoon (anxiety)
haven't seen her since.
don't really care to.
and yet i don't want to lose her. what IS this????

evidently one mother's day when i was 4 or 5 i gave my mom the following card:
Dear mom, I hate you. love Kiya.

Thought about giving T the same card.
definately a xanax day.

((((((((((((all)))))))))))))))

[WePow]

((((((((((((( pachy )))))))) sorry - that was not for you - did not mean to offend.
It was for Kiya.

Kiya - it is just you have so much pain already and you believe you have lost T already... that is the pain deep in your heart I sense. And it is a very bad pain.
So if you think you have already lost T - then just go be honest. I think you have everything to gain right now with honesty on showing T your heart. More hugs!

(((((((((kiya))))))))))

i'm so sorry things have turned so sour with your T. i know you used to rave about her. it is like she has been taken over by an alien or something. maybe you just have done the significant work with her that you were meant to do and now need something different.

(((((((((((kiya))))))))))

How did it go??

[Kiya]

Well.... i drew out a diagram of my anger at her (and anger at myself for trusting her to get this far) so I would not have to explain myself. I took a xanax, and totally started shaking anyway. Even cried thinking of how she's never happy to see me anymore.

And then session - she smiled at me. She asked me to update her on what i have found out about other T's and programs. I told her that nothing has changed so I guess she's stuck with me. She said ok and grinned.
confused....
we talked about school being nearly over and upcoming graduation.
we talked about ptsd and how she might work with me thru it.
we talked about a program she is potentially starting up that "may be something you want to take part in and be good for you".
I also brought up my other 2 ideas (again) of how she might work with me. She liked one, and was totally confused on the other.
On the way up front she said "Welp, we'll work together until something else appears".

@_@ I hear her say that she wants for me whatever will help me the most - but it is hard to not read more into that statement.

I never did show her my diagram or tell her i'd been harboring anger towards her for the past 3 weeks. I did return her crystal. One child thought wanted to return her wooden frog she'd given us (we acknowledged the anger and hurt behind it).

"See you next week", she said. Why didn't the words "i am quitting and not looking back" come out? Hang on to whatever I can get, huh? Therapy is way confusing.

((((((((((((((((All)))))))))))))))

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Kiya))))) I just want to offer some hugs

Maybe the program she is offering will be good?

I know you dont want to leave her, but I just wish the perfect T would fall from the sky into your lap

(((((Kiya))))

[pachyderm]

Yeah, ((((Kiya)))). What an insightful person you are! NOT being sarcastic.

Oh, ((((((((((kiya))))))))))))), what a tough situation.

You are being so brave by not cutting yourself off from T's support. It's okay to let things unfold however they unfold and to let T support you in the meantime. It's harder than just quitting and never going back, and it's braver and safer.

to you. I know this is really, really hard.

[WePow]

(((((((((( Kiya ))))))))) I was thinking of you yesterday and really hoping T would be able to see what you need her to see. More big safe hugs for you.

[Kiya]

thank you so much everyone for your responses. helps!!!!

you know, i think too as we walked to the door that (yes, i know, I'm reading into every little nuance) after she had said the "we'll work together until something else appears" that she then (as an after thought) offered a hug - also confusing meh!!! - and i think she said "I'll see you next week; and the week after that, and the week after that." I could be making that up but i know my brain got a log jam at some point and stopped paying attention. Yet i remember it today. Course, I was more medicated yesterday. and deliorous (sp) from several days lack of sleep.

This constant tug of war (probably with T's too) of do i attach, do i back off - are we coming or going? Do i close off (from t standpoint) and act like it is no big deal if they leave, so i don't make it hard on them, or do i show that i am here and always here?

sooooooooooooooooo complicated.

the GOOD news is that i slept on the couch and got REAL sleep!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Kiya (((((((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))))) sleep is good.

[zooropa]

argh! I wrote out a long reply, Kiya, and then lost it. I hate that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that first of all, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! I know how hard it is to keep trying, to keep opening yourself up, to not just shut down and walk away to avoid being hurt.
Also, I'm really glad you got some sleep, sleep deprivation just intensifies everything and makes it all worse.
I so completely understand that tug of war you are talking about. I know what it's like to question everything, all the time. So I know how hard you are working. I hope you see that, too, Kiya. You are doing it!

[Sannah]

Kiya, might another T be more helpful to you, though?

[Kiya]

dunno... at this rate, may never know lol

[possum220]

Dear Kiya,

Its good that your T is still hanging in there with you. I have on a number of occasions now expressed my anger towards my T on paper. I hate it when he has holidays (how rude of me) and I tell him that. I tell him I also know that I am not being rational either. And he gets that too. And yet he still cares.

Writing down your frustrations may help you. Communication is the cornerstone of good therapy hun. Smack me (if you can reach me lols). If you arent sure what she is thinking.........ask her....... it might help.

You are one tough cookie kiya..... safe hugs.........if you want.