[sittingatwatersedge]

A woman said to her T, ""I am so upset about a shopping trip i made yesterday. A jeweler set out a lot of rings for me to look at. Then, when he turned his back for just a moment, I quickly took some rings from the counter and dropped them into my bag. Please tell me..... am I suffering from kleptomania?"

"No, no.” the T said kindly. "Not to worry. This is a simple case of countertransference."

[sittingatwatersedge]

A child psychologist was spending a weekend laying a new drive to his garage.

He had just finished, and was standing back to admire the perfect level surface, when the small boy who lived next door rode up on his bike with great enthusiasm. Such was his momentum that he managed to get halfway up the new driveway before falling over in the wet cement..

The psychologist released his anger in a furious and unexpurgated outburst, which brought the boy's mother out to see what was happening.
"You, of all people," she exclaimed, "should have some sympathy and understanding - you are supposed to love children!"


"Well, I do - in the abstract”, he replied, "but not in the concrete!"

Sid had been seeing a psychoanalyst for three years for treatment of his lifelong fear of monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. He didn't feel he was making any progress. He terminated therapy with the psychoanalyst and decided to try something different.
A few weeks later, Sid's former psychoanalyst ran into him on the street, and was surprised to find him looking so well-rested,relaxed, and cheerful. "Doc!" Sid said, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you certainly do seem to be doing much better. How has it happened?"
"I went to see another doctor," Sid replied enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One session?!" the psychoanalyst asked in astonishment.
"Yeah," replied Sid, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asked. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," said Sid. "He told me to saw the legs off of my bed."

[Perna]

[deliquesce]

these are great! i havent seen them before, tempted to send them to austin-t.

[Eliza Jane]

My favorite:

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it has to really want to change!!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"