realising T is just T.

Melbadaze · Apr 18, 2010 at 02:52 PM

I shamefully have to face the truth that I still harbour fantasys of T being something more than she is..

She allows email contact, she sends postcards when away. I gain the courage to email I miss her not once but twice because in the moments of thinking and writing and pressing send I feel almOst drunk with fantasy.

T replys, one liners and then I feel shame, wgat was I thinking? I am so stupid, I am just as perfected as the day I begun therapy.

Now As I face my first session back tomorrow I feel like I want to quit and go back to denial and alcoholism and just forget T.

rainbow8 · Apr 18, 2010 at 03:02 PM

I know how you feel, Melba. Realising T is just T has caused me the same kinds of feelings. I SO identify with your calling it being "drunk with fantasy." That is a little of what I feel when I email my new T, but I am conflicted because I know how painful it will be if I let those fantasies happen.

I don't have answers, but I know that we shouldn't feel shame about it. It's because of what we need so badly, and not a cause for shame. Also, realising T is just T can be good enough. I had to tell myself that about Bt, and there were so many good things about her just being her. I keep thinking about her asking me if I felt "flat" when I accepted that my fantasies about her wouldn't come true. She mentioned the book/movie "I Never Promised you a Rose Garden" and said that when the girl became healthier her brightly colored fantasy world appeared flat at first. It's just the contrast. T as T can be colorful and comforting too, but in a different way. I hope this makes sense and is relevant.

WePow · Apr 18, 2010 at 03:06 PM

(((((( Melba )))))))))

Can you maybe use your emotional response right now to find out the root of what you need? There is something missing. You almost can touch it when you are in the process of contacting T. But then it is not right and you feel that. Then you are upset because you may feel that you let yourself down by thinking it was IT. ?

There is a reason why you keep having this cycle. If you can find out the root need, it may help you break the cycle. Big hugs!

ECHOES · Apr 18, 2010 at 06:21 PM

Melbadaze, nothing shameful about it. Allow yourself to see her the way you need to see her in the moment.

mobius · Apr 18, 2010 at 08:47 PM

Quote:

I shamefully have to face the truth that I still harbour fantasys of T being something more than she is..

She allows email contact, she sends postcards when away. I gain the courage to email I miss her not once but twice because in the moments of thinking and writing and pressing send I feel almOst drunk with fantasy.

T replys, one liners and then I feel shame, wgat was I thinking? I am so stupid, I am just as perfected as the day I begun therapy.

Now As I face my first session back tomorrow I feel like I want to quit and go back to denial and alcoholism and just forget T.

I can empathize totally and completely with this, Melbadaze. In fact, I probably could have written it word for word. I've struggled for more than a year now with the idea that it's really important for me to let go of the fantasy of who I'd like my therapist to be. But I just can't. The alternative (which I can't quite put my finger on) is just too terrifying and or unimaginable. I've told her so many times that I've missed her (in email and in person) and the response I get usually makes me feel deflated (though not always). Wish I could offer more, but all I've got right now is lots and lots of empathy.

Melbadaze · Apr 19, 2010 at 02:30 AM

I just want to walk into session today and say "I want this to end now"!

Apr 19, 2010 at 03:42 AM

Yes, the one liner email replies. Pretty standard I think!!!

Melbadaze · Apr 19, 2010 at 04:21 AM

Its hard, its hard to look at patterns of behaviour and change them. Wanting to be "claimed" is a life long wound for myself, and perhaps lots of people. T being away reminds me that she is seperate and has friends and private life that I am not privvy too which brings up my adoption wound of never belonging to a family I can take for granted.

My daughter was rushed into hospital last week after her tonsil operation and even that reminded me of the gap in the relationship between a therapist and a family. I finally emailed her saturday about what had happened because, yes I wanted someone to be there with me, she replied and I pretended to myself that I was satisfied with the situation, but I'm not.

I want to be able to just speak all these feelings to T's face today, not sure If I will be able too. But even this is just perhaps another attempt to move T to where I want her. I dunno, I am fed up with yearning.

pachyderm · Apr 19, 2010 at 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't have answers, but I know that we shouldn't feel shame about it. It's because of what we need so badly, and not a cause for shame.

Yeah, I think this is very good. Maybe shame = expectation of punishment or derision...

pachyderm · Apr 19, 2010 at 06:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I dunno, I am fed up with yearning.

Report on how your session goes. If you tell her all this, I'll bet you return with your usual insight into it all.

WePow · Apr 19, 2010 at 07:26 AM

Melba - my vote is that you do go in and share just what is on your heart. That is what needs to be healed. Don't hide it from T. Let T see the need and the pain. That is the only way T can help you heal it the right way. More big safe hugs to you!!!

Melbadaze · Apr 19, 2010 at 08:51 AM

Well it was a mixture because of the trauma I had with my daughter being rushed into hospital friday night. But underneath all of this Is feelings. Something T said towards the end about me just wanting to switch of the feelings that therapy brings up and how fightening it is because once the lid is taken of these things, one doesnt know for sure where it ends and that these feelings of yearning, wanting reasurance, fear of abandoment and abandoning is just alien to me, its more then that, and now the lid is off I dont know how to be with them. I think talk of a "lid" being taken off is very scary but on the drive home, reasuring also. At least it puts this awful feeling into some sort of order. No wonder some quit therapy or dont ever go to begin with, having the LID taken off is very scary!!

rainbow8 · Apr 19, 2010 at 10:10 AM

I'm glad your session was somewhat reassuring. How is your daughter? What happened that she had be be rushed back to the hospital after being home? That sounds awfully scary!

I like the way your T put it, about the lid being taken off, and you don't know what's going to happen. Who on PC said "trust in the process"? I think that's what we all have to do.

Melbadaze · Apr 19, 2010 at 11:01 AM

my daughter had a blood clot in her throat burst.

I said too T that when I emailed her saying I missed her, I hated myself afterwards, hate trying to make myself mean something to somebody. Her reply, yes, I'll see you monday just felt dismissive. T said its hard for me to believe I do mean something to Others and that its interesting I interpreted her reply as dismissive.

rainbow8 · Apr 19, 2010 at 11:52 AM

Once Bt told me in a phone call when I was upset, "I'll see you soon." I was devastated because my appointment was more than a week away!! She thought she was beign comforting! I don't think Ts always understand the depth of our longing for them (for those of us who feel that way).

Melbadaze · Apr 19, 2010 at 01:52 PM

True!

This feeling previously repressed/split off feelings is awful.

Sannah · Apr 19, 2010 at 02:58 PM

Your embracing real life is very good Melba. I'm sorry that it feels bad, though. It will get better. Of course you will keep up your hard work.

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

realising T is just T.

My Support Forums

ECHOES Legendary Member Since Aug 2007 Location: West of Tampa Bay, East of the Gulf of Mexico Posts: 14,352 (SuperPoster!) 16 1,020 hugs given	Apr 18, 2010 at 06:21 PM #4 Melbadaze, nothing shameful about it. Allow yourself to see her the way you need to see her in the moment.
	Reply With Quote

Melbadaze Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2009 Location: UK Posts: 1,946 14	Apr 19, 2010 at 02:30 AM #6 I just want to walk into session today and say "I want this to end now"!
	Reply With Quote

Anonymous33370 Guest Posts: n/a	Apr 19, 2010 at 03:42 AM #7 Yes, the one liner email replies. Pretty standard I think!!!
	Reply With Quote

WePow Elder Member Since Oct 2006 Location: Everywhere and Nowhere Posts: 6,588 17 1,740 hugs given	Apr 19, 2010 at 07:26 AM #11 Melba - my vote is that you do go in and share just what is on your heart. That is what needs to be healed. Don't hide it from T. Let T see the need and the pain. That is the only way T can help you heal it the right way. More big safe hugs to you!!!
	Reply With Quote

rainbow8 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: US Posts: 13,284 (SuperPoster!) 15 9,983 hugs given	Apr 19, 2010 at 10:10 AM #13 I'm glad your session was somewhat reassuring. How is your daughter? What happened that she had be be rushed back to the hospital after being home? That sounds awfully scary! I like the way your T put it, about the lid being taken off, and you don't know what's going to happen. Who on PC said "trust in the process"? I think that's what we all have to do.
	Reply With Quote

rainbow8 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: US Posts: 13,284 (SuperPoster!) 15 9,983 hugs given	Apr 19, 2010 at 11:52 AM #15 Once Bt told me in a phone call when I was upset, "I'll see you soon." I was devastated because my appointment was more than a week away!! She thought she was beign comforting! I don't think Ts always understand the depth of our longing for them (for those of us who feel that way).
	Reply With Quote

Melbadaze Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2009 Location: UK Posts: 1,946 14	Apr 19, 2010 at 01:52 PM #16 True! This feeling previously repressed/split off feelings is awful.
	Reply With Quote