Related to my thread about being vulnerable with T....

Obviously, I can't turn back the clock and be a kid again and experience being held. That's the part I grieve the most, I think. I will never truly know what it's like. Though, I am really grateful for all the love and nurturing in my life right now as an adult.

I was thinking maybe I could give T a photo of me as a child and she could hold onto it and keep it safe and it might feel like she is holding me--the little me?

Is that silly? Has anyone done this?

My t and I spent a session looking at old photos of me and my family one session. He didn't keep any of them, but he certainly had lots of insights from what I remembered from those photographs. I don't think it is a silly idea (just be sure you have another copy; you don't want to lose an old photo).

[Perna]

Yes, I've done that :-) I also found the perfect card to send T when she was away on vacation for many weeks; it had a toddler looking out a window and you opened it and it said, "Okay, you can come back now!"

[mobius]

What a wonderful idea, griffin! Do you imagine your therapist will be receptive to it? I can imagine it bringing up a lot of feelings. I've had the same wish to be held and nurtured for the longest time; I just may have to bring this up with my therapist as well!

[brickbat]

I think it's a great idea, and I really hope your therapist is open to it. I've always wanted to bring old photos to T but I've never had the nerve. It could be a really moving and helpful experience.

[Perna]

I actually had a VHS copy of 8 mm movies from the late 1930's of my mother (who died in 1954) and I bought in a small combination player/TV (very cheap, $100 I think) and took it in to T and showed her some of it.

I've given T photos before (holiday card-type photos of my family)...and she really enjoyed that. So I think she would be receptive? I know this is much different and more personal for me, but I can't see why she might object...

I imagine it will bring up a lot of feelings for me, which could be a good thing.

[deliquesce]

that's a really wonderful idea, griffinp. i think you're so brave to try it out and to know in advance it'll bring up lots of feelings for you. please let us know how it goes, i can imagine how healing it would be for you .

[TayQuincy]

I think it's a wonderful idea to give her a childhood photo for her to hold onto, and in turn you could feel held. I don't see any harm in doing that and I hope she says yes. She really sounds like a wonderful t!

[fieldofdreams]

I think that's a really cool idea, and if she's already accepted family photo holiday cards, I can't see why she would have a problem accepting a picture of you as a child. Way cool, griffin.

I love this idea. T always says that we know what we need to heal. You're listening to your inner wisdom, and that is such a good thing

hey go for it!

i gave my T an old toy once to hold on to (i dont have any pictures) and T kept it right in the very front part of T's desk, so T saw it all the time

[peaches100]

Very early in my therapy, before i really understood boundaries, i mailed my t a letter talking from the little girl side of me and included a photo from when i was about 4. I sent it to her home address (I found it in the phone book). I can't remember what all i said in the letter, but I do recall it was asking her to help this part of me that got traumatized and felt so alone. She never brought it up in session (didn't say if she received it, didn't receive it, no scolding or anything). I assume she got it. . .??? I also sent flowers to her house once. Like i said, this was all before i understood boundaries. She did thank me for the flowers and never did scold me. But she also didn't know her address and phone number were in the telephone book; she thought she was unlisted. I took the phone book to show her, and she has since gone unlisted. Of course, that was several years ago. Now that i understand boundaries, I would never contact her at her home now!!!

So. . . would encourage you to bring the photo to your t if you would like to. Or, if you're afraid to, maybe ask her how she'd feel if you did it.

[scorpiosis37]

I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be held. When we don't have that experience growing up, it's really, really, really hard. When we face difficult moments in our adult lives, there's no moment of being held as a child to reflect back on-- and often no one in our adult life to fulfill that need. For those of who don't have the kind of T relationship where we can bring in a photo of us as a child, is another way to get that need fulfilled? Does anyone have other suggestions about how to feel "held" without actually having T (or someone else) hold us? Suggestions would be really helpful.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be held. When we don't have that experience growing up, it's really, really, really hard. When we face difficult moments in our adult lives, there's no moment of being held as a child to reflect back on-- and often no one in our adult life to fulfill that need. For those of who don't have the kind of T relationship where we can bring in a photo of us as a child, is another way to get that need fulfilled? Does anyone have other suggestions about how to feel "held" without actually having T (or someone else) hold us? Suggestions would be really helpful.

I've been thinking about this...A lot of people say you can learn to nurture your inner child yourself, but that has never felt adequate to me. I long for something more visceral.

Before I brought T the photo, there were moments during sessions where I felt "held" by T just listening to me. When I had the courage and could look her in the eyes, I sometimes saw compassion so intense that it felt like she was holding me.

Does your T ever show that kind of intense empathy? Or do you have anyone else in your life who does??

I know it feels like such an unachievable goal, having that need for nurturing met, but I'm finding that if I focus on the little things it can help some...

[scorpiosis37]

[quote=griffinp;1359984] Does your T ever show that kind of intense empathy? Or do you have anyone else in your life who does??
quote]

There are some moments... very few... when T does show that kind of intense empathy. She makes the most caring, compassionate, beautiful face and looks like she's about to say something-- or perhaps cry-- yet she remains silent. Or makes just the slightest "ahh" sound. But it's such a tiny reaction, and it's over just as I realize it's happening. It's like being held for just half a second and then being put back down. Especially because T tends to change the subject right after these moments-- maybe because they are so intense that they provoke an emotional response in her, which maybe she is uncomfortable with? I'm not sure. They also make me feel torn because they only happen when I am talking about the sad, pathetic child part of me and, usually, I prefer to present as an "adult" and work through the difficulties I am having now, rather than bringing up old things from my childhood. And, as much as I know therapy is about being vulnerable, I don't like being that childlike and whiney and pathetic and exposed-- which is the only way I tend to incite that kind of "held" response from T. Sometimes the adult part of me wants to be held too.

(In terms of other people in my life, I recently went through a divorce, so I no longer have that other person in my life to fill this void. And, as a result, I crave it more so now than ever. And I'm changing Ts in a couple of weeks too-- so i want to get this feeling of being held from my current T before i leave, because after i switch, I know it will take a LONG time before i get comfortable with new T)

[quote=scorpiosis37;1360267]

Originally Posted by griffinp

Does your T ever show that kind of intense empathy? Or do you have anyone else in your life who does??
quote]
I don't like being that childlike and whiney and pathetic and exposed-- which is the only way I tend to incite that kind of "held" response from T. Sometimes the adult part of me wants to be held too.

What if the truth is that you are actually being transparent and honest in a very healthy way, and not "whiney and pathetic"? And maybe your T is responding authentically to that vulnerability?

It took me a long, long time to believe that I'm not just whining about my childhood, but that I am actually healing and grieving it. Once I was okay with that, I could see more clearly how much T was accepting of me, that she is not judging me, and I got that "held" feeling more often.

That said, I'm sorry your T seems to change the subject during moments like that. It might be more powerful if she stayed in that moment with you a while longer. I wonder if you could say that?

And I'm also really sorry to hear about your divorce. I imagine that only adds a whole new, raw dimension to the longing...