[googley]

Last session I had to tell T that I can't keep coming every week for T. And then I cried the rest of the session. I've never done that before. I've barely ever cried in T. Maybe three times before (over many years of T). I felt so embarrassed. I just couldn't even really say anything. I felt so bad about not having more money to pay her. Even though I'm really careful with my money and don't waste it. I felt like I was letting her down. But I also felt like I was losing my T. That I was losing my one stable thing in my life. It hurt so much. It hurt so much to not have her say "I'll see you for free". I didn't really want her to say that because she deserves to be paid for her work. But I really wanted her to say that she cares about me so much that she would do that for me. And I know that is unfair. So I didn't say it, but she did. And she offered to see me for a more reduced rate at once a month for a little while. Hopefully in the fall things will be more settled money wise. But I feel bad. I feel like I manipulated her into doing it. Even though that was not my intention. I just couldn't stop crying. I feel like she felt forced to do something she didn't want to because I couldn't stop crying. And so I feel guilty. I feel like I hurt her.

It is so hard because I've just recently been able to connect with the feeling that she cares about me and not have it disappear all the time (like between sessions). And it was so hard to feel like she cares when she couldn't do more for me. And that makes me hate myself.

She even asked me if I wanted to move back to X with all that was going on right now. And that made me cry even harder because it was true. I just wanted to go back where I had work and everything wasn't so hard. And I had my old T who I knew cared about me. And I had health insurance that covered mental health. How do they know what we are thinking?

[WePow]

(((( Googley ))) I suppose that is their job to try to figure out what we are thinking. Sometimes they get it right. But sometimes they don't.

[zooropa]

googley

I know how much that must have hurt you. I can understand how you could feel both ways: that you understand that she deserves to be paid for her work, and that you want her to care about you enough to not care about the money. I can't imagine how hard that must have been, to sit there in such pain.

Your T would not have offered the reduced rate if she didn't want to, no matter how much you cried or what you said. You don't have to worry about taking care of T, that is not your job in the relationship. It's your job to take care of YOU, and to trust that T will take care of T and you both.

[sugahorse1]

I wish I could just make your pain go away. I'm so glad you could be honest with T and tell her what you needed to. Don't feel bad about crying - whatever the topic in T, it's never easy. Holding thumbs the financial issues resolve themselves ASAP

[googley]

It did hurt. It hurt because I felt like I was losing my T. That she was going to go away and not care about me any more. And then I wouldn't have anyone IRL that cared about me. Especially when she said we would have to terminate if I couldn't keep coming at least once a month. Even though she said "the door would always be open" it just wouldn't be the same. I felt like she didn't want me anymore. That she would forget about me. Once again I was just the money I could provide. Why doesn't anyone care about me unless I can give them money?

[Sannah]

Googley, if you keep working on getting better you will allow people into your life who you then will allow to care about you.