I finally saw T today after a two week break.

It was such a good session. I felt connected right away...not shy, or scared, or disconnected, or sad, or angry (just a few of my usual feelings after a long break!). It just felt good to see him, and to pick up where we left off.

He said he had been thinking a lot about what he said before break about us "taking up space" in each other's lives. I had told him in a message that I liked that he said that, and he said the fact that I connected with it so much made him think about it a lot. He asked "do you see how important you are?". I just sat there and stared at him, because I wasn't sure. He said "you are important and you matter, and you do take up space in my life, not just in therapy". We talked about our history together, some of the things we've been through together, how our relationship has changed. It was good.

He brought up the message I left him on Friday, when I was triggered. He said that he is feeling protective towards me around this thing I have to do, and that he wants to tell me "you don't have to do it", and he said that since he doesn't tell people what to do, he can't believe he wants to say that. He talked about my "internal wisdom" and that I will know the right way to handle the situation. I appreciated that he was so honest about his opinion, and I know I will still follow my own instincts about how to handle it.

I read a lot of my old posts here over the past couple of days, and I was really struck by how patient and caring T has been with me over the years. I have NOT been an easy client to work with, I'm sure. My level of fear of abandonment/rejection was just unbelievably high for the first couple of YEARS of therapy, and that combined with the hard core trauma work and dissociation must have pushed T and his skills to the limit. As I was reading, I felt so appreciative and lucky to have T (and everyone here!). I told him what I had been reading, and it was nice to talk about how things have changed/are changing.

This is a two-session week for me, so I see him again on Thursday. I'm SO glad he's back and I got to see him today...I just feel kind of soothed and quieted down inside.

[granite1]

Tree im so glad for you

sounds like a wonderful session. that is such great progress that you were able to connect and pick right back up where you left off. yea tree!

[darkrunner]

Treehouse,
Thank you for sharing about your session
I am so so glad it went well.
What a wonderful way to return from a break.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE ))))

WOW. That is awesome. Truly awesome. You have such a wonderful relationship with your T. It's something I could only imagine having. I will see my T tomorrow night during group for the first time in a couple weeks, and I feel so disconnected, detached. During group is not the time to reconnect with him, because he's just really a faciliator. Thursday will be my first session with him one-on-one in 2 weeks, and I can only hope that we can reconnect....but even still, it wouldn't be nearly on the same level as you and your T. Your relationship seems so special and unique. I wonder if I will have that someday.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thursday will be my first session with him one-on-one in 2 weeks, and I can only hope that we can reconnect....but even still, it wouldn't be nearly on the same level as you and your T.

(((((((((((mue)))))))))))))

Remember: this is after over 2 1/2 years of really intense twice-a-week therapy. And coming back from a break used to be TOTAL rupture-inducing material for me and T...I can't believe (looking back at my old posts) how many times I wanted to quit therapy when T came back from a break and I couldn't find the connection.

You are working so hard...you'll find a way to hang onto the connection too

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((mue)))))))))))))

Remember: this is after over 2 1/2 years of really intense twice-a-week therapy. And coming back from a break used to be TOTAL rupture-inducing material for me and T...I can't believe (looking back at my old posts) how many times I wanted to quit therapy when T came back from a break and I couldn't find the connection.

You are working so hard...you'll find a way to hang onto the connection too

tree i think it is so awsome that you were able to do this over the years and your relationship with your T survived.you are such a strong person.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((mue)))))))))))))

Remember: this is after over 2 1/2 years of really intense twice-a-week therapy. And coming back from a break used to be TOTAL rupture-inducing material for me and T...I can't believe (looking back at my old posts) how many times I wanted to quit therapy when T came back from a break and I couldn't find the connection.

You are working so hard...you'll find a way to hang onto the connection too

Thanks, Tree.....I guess I feel like I'm just expecting too much. I too have been seeing my T twice a week - well, once in group T and once one-on-one, for about 14 months....I guess there isn't really a timeline for that sort of thing. But I totally understand how people can have ruptures when there's a break....because I feel so conflicted as well. I just don't know why. There are times when I feel angry and don't want to go back. I know he's not abandoning me or rejecting me. Yet, there's this push-pull feeling that I just can't put my finger on....

[WePow]

Tree - thank you very deeply for sharing this part of your life with me. This is just so awesome and amazing to read!!! It is so awesome and I am SO happy with you!!!

[zooropa]

tree, I'm so happy your session went so well! I was thinking about you today and hoping for you that you would feel that connection with T. And you did!

T left me a message and said that he could feel me feeling the connection with him LOL. And he said he felt it with me too.

I realized tonight that part of feeling the connection is allowing myself to stay in a pretty tender and vulnerable place. If my walls are up, the connection isn't there. It's risky, you know? But maybe worth it

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree))) I am so glad that it went well. You and T have an amazingly strong bond. And you have a lovely way of touching people's hearts. I know T is touched by you and your therapy with him. It is so wonderful that the two of you can sit and talk about it. He may be a good healer, but you are truly working SO hard and now enjoying the fruits of all of this hard work. Wow!

[sunrise]

Tree, what a tender session you had. I loved so many things you wrote, like this:

He said "you are important and you matter, and you do take up space in my life, not just in therapy".

And this:

he said that since he doesn't tell people what to do, he can't believe he wants to say that.

(My T says stuff like this too--always aware of where he's at with his own stuff and mindful of it.)

I just feel kind of soothed and quieted down inside.

I feel this too after therapy. When I see people write that maybe they shouldn't go to therapy if they don't have a strong need, and then I think of this feeling I get, I wonder, "how can this be wrong?" (--speaking for myself--not trying to assess your need)

T left me a message and said that he could feel me feeling the connection with him LOL. And he said he felt it with me too.

Loved this too. Sounds like perfect harmony during the session.

It's risky, you know? But maybe worth it

Yup.

[googley]

((((Tree))))

I'm glad your session with T went well!