[WePow]

Ugggggg.... I really do not want to do session tommorow because it will be the first time of seeing T since last Wed. He had the death of his family member and I know he will be "ok" in his T way (and I have to trust that)... but I hate dragging in all my "junk" to dump on him right now (if that makes any sense).

But it is my first session since the flashback that was so sickening last Wed night about my dad and junk. And I had another flashback about the truth of something that happened very bad when I was 25. UGGGG! And I need to go over the stuff from the abandonment issue from T this weekend.

Anyway, it feels like I just want to curl up in my T's office RIGHT NOW! But that I am so afraid to have to go face "all this" stuff!!!! Anyone else relate to that? I am litterally whimpering.

[googley]

(((((((WePow)))))

It will be okay. I'm sorry your T lost someone. But if he needed more time off to process it and be okay to do his work he would take it. Know that he is there for you and to support you.

I had a T lose someone in her family once. But she was able to come back and be my T and be okay. I told her I was sorry for her loss and we went from there.

He will be able to deal with your stuff too. Remember that T is good at taking care of himself.

I'm so sorry you have been having flashbacks. I'm glad you will be able to talk to your T about them tomorrow.

Please take gentle care of yourself.

[granite1]

i can relate to wanting to just curl up in T office and not deal my T office is so quiet i remember on time i was so upset about something and i didnt want to leave at all it was just so quiet and the world outside was so nasty.
wepow the work you are doing is amazing.maby in your next session you should give yourself a break and just curl up in his pffice and rest and just feel safe.just an idea

((((((((((WePow)))))))))))

My T has told me that when he has hard things going on in his life, he is so grateful to be able to come to work and focus on someone else and get out of his head. I totally believe him...I know the same is true for me...helping someone else can help me forget what's going on with me for a little while. So, I believe T will be okay. It's alright to take a moment at the beginning of your session to talk about how it feels to bring your stuff in there after he has had a death in the family...for me, getting things out in the open almost always helps at least a little.

Can you let the session go however it goes? If you need to rest, rest. If you don't get to everything, let yourself not get to everything. I think you are like me in that we both want to work, work, work, work all the time to get through this stuff...but the times I have just let myself rest with T have been healing as well.

Lots of hugs to you.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))
I know it is hard, and I can't seem to do it myself, but it is good advice that you and others have give me - try to live in the now and not worry about your appointment and your T.
Try to trust that it will happen the way it is meant to happen.
I'll be thinking of you.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am glad you have a session with T today, so you can face this UGH instead of prolonging it....

I hope you are able to work through the flashbacks with T. Even though I haven't been able to face that yet in my therapy, I know that when I've talked about the night terrors and certain horrible dreams that I have, when we explore them and make sense of them, they seem to dissipate or at least are less intense because I understand them better. Of course, it doesn't make it less easy to talk about....

((( HUGS )))

Post an update when you can!

[elliemay]

I've been with my T through the loss of both of his parents. It evoked a lot of strong feelings of protection for him and worry for myself.

I kept watching for signs that he was "off", but didn't find any. I will admit that I had a strong desire to make my sessions easy for him.

He may have been sad, but he was still smart as a whip, and invested in helping me. If he were overwhelmed with grief, he would stay home.

I ultimately decided that my T is a professional. He can practise very effectively despite what may be going on and I owed it to him to let him do it.

So I say curl up in your therapist's office, let him know that you want to. It won't be a burden.

Also it might help you (and him) if you acknowledge the death in an understated way. I was worried that he might become uncomfortable if I went on and on about it.

I work a lot with animals, and I gave my T a small, but highly polished tiger's eye gemstone when his father passed. As it turned out, he loves rocks, and still keeps it in his desk drawer. There were other lavish displays of flowers in his office, but they are gone now.

My gift is still there.

[WePow]

You ALL are so awesome!!! EXCELLENT insights and advice. Thank you so very much.
I will come back to this post today to re-read the replies and use them to give myself courage for what lies ahead. :-) I was dreaming last night of a very steep snow covered street that was like a rollercoaster track but without tracks and people kept falling because it was so dangerous. But I was careful and made it down ok. So I think that must be what I am feeling for today - to just be slow and gentle. Thanks again!!!

[Perna]

What a great dream for today! Hope you get what you want/need from T and feel better soon.

[WePow]

Thanks again for the good wishes and all. Well, session was "good"... I was emotionally distant and felt it - and T felt it. I don't know if it was because I was dealing with the hard stuff I had not yet told him about or if it was due to the emotional stuff that happened over the weekend. But it was very different from what we had before. I was not upset about being emotionally distant though. It was just... odd....
And my insurance did not do the approval yet for that session and T told me that upfront *(which was right for him to do) - but I think I was worried about what I would do if they told me that I could not see my T any more. And he was very honest about saying he would call them to see what was going on and such. I told him that he could tell them as much as he thought they needed to know so they could see I need my T. It is not like I am going to T just because I want to. Oh well.

I feel very distant still inside. Guarded. Oh well. Thanks again for the help!

[zooropa]

(((((wepow)))))
you're working so hard. Not every session is going to be "perfect". Just keep showing up, one session at a time.

edit: I realized that may have come out wrong. I don't think you have an expectation for every session to be perfect, wepow. I was just trying to say, feeling a little off every now and then is probably not unusual, and it's ok.

[rainbow8]

WePow: how are you feeling? I hate it when sessions are a little disappointing (mine was too) or not what we wanted. That happens to me a lot. Maybe you were subconsciously trying to protect your T since his loss, or maybe you were still hurt by his not being there even though he had a legitimate reason?

Whatever the reason, I know how yukky it is to feel emotionally distant from T. It doesn't mean the relationship changed, though. I used to always base it on the last interaction. If it was crummy, then I thought the relationship feel apart. But that's not true. You have a history with your T, and that hasn't changed.

[WePow]

(( zoo )) (( rainbow )) I actually loved to just BE with my T yesterday. I think I may have been emotionally not wanting to "burden" him so you could be right about that. Plus I was worried about the insurance stuff - even though he told me not to worry about that. Just the idea of me not being "allowed" to see my T brings up old stuff! Uggg!! My ex H who was so abusive would not "allow" me to go see my mom and brothers who lived right across the road. It was insane and I hated him for that. I swored that I would NEVER EVER allow someone to tell me who I could or could not see again! ((someone outside the person themselves)). So I was on my total defense emotional state with all that. :-)

Thanks again you guys. You are so awesome!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

(( zoo )) (( rainbow )) I actually loved to just BE with my T yesterday. I think I may have been emotionally not wanting to "burden" him so you could be right about that. Plus I was worried about the insurance stuff - even though he told me not to worry about that. Just the idea of me not being "allowed" to see my T brings up old stuff! Uggg!! My ex H who was so abusive would not "allow" me to go see my mom and brothers who lived right across the road. It was insane and I hated him for that. I swored that I would NEVER EVER allow someone to tell me who I could or could not see again! ((someone outside the person themselves)). So I was on my total defense emotional state with all that. :-)

Thanks again you guys. You are so awesome!!!

That's great that you were able to make that connection - with not being "allowed". I can see how that would trigger a defensive, angry, frustrated reaction. I would feel the same way - and I grew up with lots of examples of people trying to control who I did and didn't see (my parents, my ex-H).....Your post helped me see that, and leaves me with some exploring to do....

[googley]

(((((WePow)))))

I don't have a lot of words right now. But just wanted to let you know that I'm here to support you.

[WePow]

Thanks so much. I been working full time - still at work. And it is very intense again. I end up sending T emails just venting and he said I can do that but I just dispise so much about this world. I do like you guys though on PC :-) My slice of sunshine in this world!

[little*rhino]

wp.. can i ask what you do to put yourself outside of all of this and be in the world? Intensive therapy work is grueling and trauma work is moreso, so what do you do to help your mind stay up to the challenge? It's tempting to focus all one's energies on therapy and sub-activities... even dwelling, or obsessing... but forcing yourself to put it down is as important as the therapy itself.

just like a runner cannot sprint forever, your brain can't process 24/7... you need to be sure to invest energy in giving your mind time off from therapy or related pursuits..

do you do any now?

[WePow]

(((( little rhino ))) I actually went back to work so I would not be focused so much on the therapy stuff. There is just so much there from the past that I know I can't undo. So it takes time to work through it. The only reason I ended up back in therapy was because I finally broke and could not avoid it any longer. But I try to do stuff like watch movies with my S/O and play with my dogs and do my Native American drumming. I also do mentor work for for people about Native American stuff.

The hard part about this past year was that I had finally lost my will to stay alive. I lost the joy of doing anything I once thought was fun. I would do things and just see the complete non-sense of it in the grand scheme of things. There was no longer any joy in any part of existing.

Now I still carry that on the inside but at least I am forcing myself to go through the motions of being "here" in the world. It is a very odd state of heart to be honest. But it is what it is. And as long as I keep learning and growing, as long as I just keep putting one foot infront of another, I am happy with my progress :-) I give myself a TON of points for still being alive and not terminating.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

There was no longer any joy in any part of existing. Now I still carry that on the inside ..

I'm glad you decided to live, WePow. I would miss your unique wisdom and your generosity in sharing it.

I for one am happy to know you