[mixedup_emotions]

*** POSSIBLE TRIGGER ***

I've lurked every once in a while, but I haven't had the energy to post...I'm so sorry my PC friends....

I know you all understand, but I can't help but feel like I've let you down because I haven't been around to support you when you needed it most.



I'm still alive. Dealing with a lot of migraines which may be triggered by some severe neck issues that have only recently been checked out (2 herniations, 2 bulging discs, severe nerve damage). I am taking action on that to see if resolving the issues with my neck will have an impact on my migraines. Keeping fingers crossed...

My T is away this week, and of course, that's the time when I am crashing.

Before I even knew he was going to be away, I started having some really awful night and day terrors, and I know I could've talked about them in my last session the other day - but I didn't want to feel exposed and vulnerable right before T going away for a week...so I didn't bring it up. Kept the session light. (Then again, I'm not sure I would've brought it up anyway - I feel so closed up during T lately)...

Have you ever had a crash be triggered by T being away? If so, have you figured out why that happens?

It just doesn't make sense to me. I will see him a week from Tuesday. He is available by phone throughout the week if I need him. And the last couple months, I haven't delved into any real deep work, other than day-to-day stuff anyway - so why now? I've avoided talking about anything of significance in T....yet, I'm upset that he's not here.

So....the night and day terrors....recurring....

It's me in T's office, but T is tied to a chair....a perp is in the room and although T can't see what's going on, the perp is beating me, raping me, etc.

I wake up in sheer panic....and finally, last night, I started to evaluate the dream, although I'm not quite sure my interpretation is accurate. It's that T couldn't stop the awful things from happening to me. He can't change what happened. No one can.

So, now I feel pretty pathetic and angry. Why can't I just let it all go away and live my freakin life instead of being some big baby who can't face or deal with what's happened....or just forget it, look forward, and move on....

And why am I so upset that T is not here, when I probably wouldn't talk to T about this anyway! I would rather just bottle it up and not say anything.

AARGH!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I would rather just bottle it up and not say anything.

Maybe that's why it comes back...

[WePow]

Sending you TONS of hugs. I am so sorry that this time is so hard for you. You have done so much for your healing. I know you can make it.

[BlueMoon6]

((((MUE)))) Its okay to not be able to post and just lurk. I also feel like PC failure because I just cant find the time to post and read. Youre in my heart anyway adn I think about you anyway, I want you to know that. K?

Im sorry you are going thru such a rough time. WHen is T going to be back? Can you maybe post more to keep in touch while he is away? I agree that bottling it up does cause it to keep re-appearing at the moments we least expect it. The very things I keep running from hit in the face over and over. It happens to me ALL the time. Not to mention the very PEOPLE Id rather not see I keep running into. Maybe the natural order of things is peace. Beacuse if it keeps coming back to you, it is a place that isnt peaceful and needs to be more peaceful. I hope this somehow made sense. I mean, our brains tell us what we need to do and the direction we need to go in. That has helped me in therapy. I go with whatever is bothering me the most, even if its a STUPID here and now issue that I cant let go of. It leads to the deeper stuff.

I dont think you are pathetic or a big baby- I think you are brave to look at the horrific things that come up in your mind. Even just to wonder what to do with them. I hope T comes back soon so you can get all of this out. Can you write it down so you dont forget it?

[ECHOES]

(((mue))) It is so good to see you here, but I wish you were feeling better. Is there something that will help your neck?

I wake up in sheer panic....and finally, last night, I started to evaluate the dream, although I'm not quite sure my interpretation is accurate. It's that T couldn't stop the awful things from happening to me. He can't change what happened.

And why am I so upset that T is not here, when I probably wouldn't talk to T about this anyway! I would rather just bottle it up and not say anything.

But, when he is here, you feel safer even if you aren't telling him. He is your safe harbor and you miss him and you like it when he's here. It feels good. It feels safe.

When they go away, it stirs up all kinds of things.

For me, I am okay until she returns, and then the stirred up fears come flooding.

When will he be back?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Maybe that's why it comes back...

That's certainly something to consider. Hmm....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

Sending you TONS of hugs. I am so sorry that this time is so hard for you. You have done so much for your healing. I know you can make it.

Thanks, WePow.....I am trying, but I feel like I'm not trying hard enough, ya know? I keep running away from it....ugh. Thanks for the encouragement....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

((((MUE)))) Its okay to not be able to post and just lurk. I also feel like PC failure because I just cant find the time to post and read. Youre in my heart anyway adn I think about you anyway, I want you to know that. K?

Im sorry you are going thru such a rough time. WHen is T going to be back? Can you maybe post more to keep in touch while he is away? I agree that bottling it up does cause it to keep re-appearing at the moments we least expect it. The very things I keep running from hit in the face over and over. It happens to me ALL the time. Not to mention the very PEOPLE Id rather not see I keep running into. Maybe the natural order of things is peace. Beacuse if it keeps coming back to you, it is a place that isnt peaceful and needs to be more peaceful. I hope this somehow made sense. I mean, our brains tell us what we need to do and the direction we need to go in. That has helped me in therapy. I go with whatever is bothering me the most, even if its a STUPID here and now issue that I cant let go of. It leads to the deeper stuff.

I dont think you are pathetic or a big baby- I think you are brave to look at the horrific things that come up in your mind. Even just to wonder what to do with them. I hope T comes back soon so you can get all of this out. Can you write it down so you dont forget it?

Thanks, Blue. ((((( HUGS )))))

You make perfect sense...it makes sense.

There have been times when I've emailed T what I've been feeling...and then when he wants to address it face-to-face, I shut down. *sigh* I just don't have the guts....UGH.

I will definitely try to stay in touch more on PC....You all have been what's got me through the toughest times....and I know I want to be here for you all too....(( HUGS ))

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((mue))) It is so good to see you here, but I wish you were feeling better. Is there something that will help your neck?



But, when he is here, you feel safer even if you aren't telling him. He is your safe harbor and you miss him and you like it when he's here. It feels good. It feels safe.

When they go away, it stirs up all kinds of things.

For me, I am okay until she returns, and then the stirred up fears come flooding.

When will he be back?

Thank you...

I am seeing another dr on Friday to prepare for a cervical epidural. My T thinks that surgery is what's likely going to happen...but one step at a time. *sigh*

You are right. I feel safe when T is here. But the strange thing is that I don't feel safe or good telling him things. I feel foolish, embarrassed, horrified. It makes me physically sick. I get into a huge panic and want to run run RUN!!!

I hate when these HUGE HUGE feelings hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere....but it's not really nowhere....it's just inside, tucked away, until it comes pushing its way out....and I hate it. I want it to die.

[zooropa]

(((((MUE)))))
You were missed, but it's ok to just lurk and not post if that's what feels right in the moment.

I'm sorry about that recurring day/night terror, that sounds horrible.

I just wanted to say that yes, I have been triggered by my T being out of town before. Even though it doesn't "make sense" because I can always call her no matter where she is, I feel much much safer when I know she is at home or at work.

[BlueMoon6]

MUE- What do you think could help you from shutting down when you bring up stuff that makes you feel foolish and embarrassed? Can you say in the moment, "I feel so ashamed and foolish and embarrassed right now"? To stay in the moment and be there and deal with that first with him before you move forward with the difficult things you would be saying?

[rainbow8]

MUE: I'm sorry you're feeling bad. About not being able to tell T stuff because of feeling embarrassed. Maybe you and T can try a little tip from Internal Family Systems therapy. My T asks how I feel about a part of me, and if I say "ashamed" "yukky" or "embarrassed", she tells me to throw those parts that feel the shame or whatever, to the other side of the couch. Then I don't have to feel "yukky" anymore, and can just talk about how I am really feeling, minus the shame or whatever. That part of me that feels the shame is "over there", away on the couch. It sounds silly, but somehow this works for me. I don't shut down. I feel free to talk.

I want to send you lots of

[ECHOES]

It's me in T's office, but T is tied to a chair....a perp is in the room and although T can't see what's going on, the perp is beating me, raping me, etc.

This sounds like a very strong desire to tell T, to have T know about this. Maybe telling him, or the idea of telling him, makes you feel as if you would be forcing him to listen, that he is 'bound' by the relationship to listen. T is there to listen, he is bound to his desire to help. T will be able to see what is going on when you share this with him with your words. Your words will give him the gift of sight

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

(((((MUE)))))
You were missed, but it's ok to just lurk and not post if that's what feels right in the moment.

I'm sorry about that recurring day/night terror, that sounds horrible.

I just wanted to say that yes, I have been triggered by my T being out of town before. Even though it doesn't "make sense" because I can always call her no matter where she is, I feel much much safer when I know she is at home or at work.

Thanks, zoo....

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way about when T is away. I don't know if this crash was triggered by that, or just a coincidence. One thing my T told me before was that he noticed that I had a harder time on the weekends when I have nothing planned. Sure enough, my daughter was away this weekend - and I've been alone...alone to dwell in the scariness.

*sigh*

My T tells me that depressions are like being in a big black hole, and the longer you stay in it, the deeper and darker the hole gets...so doing something, ANYTHING, helps you from going deeper into the hole.

SO...I mustered up just enough energy to visit a friend this evening for a BBQ and had a really good time.

But now, I'm back at home - alone - back to those feelings....ugh...but it's not as dark and scary as it was before I went out. So, I guess that's a step in the right direction. *sigh*

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

MUE- What do you think could help you from shutting down when you bring up stuff that makes you feel foolish and embarrassed? Can you say in the moment, "I feel so ashamed and foolish and embarrassed right now"? To stay in the moment and be there and deal with that first with him before you move forward with the difficult things you would be saying?

Oh Blue, just those words - admitting that I feel ashamed, foolish and embarrassed, makes my heart race and the butterflies go wild in the pit of my stomach.

I just wish it didn't exist. That it would all just go away. Why does it have to be so hard and awful? I wish the past would just stay where it belongs - in the past...

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

MUE: I'm sorry you're feeling bad. About not being able to tell T stuff because of feeling embarrassed. Maybe you and T can try a little tip from Internal Family Systems therapy. My T asks how I feel about a part of me, and if I say "ashamed" "yukky" or "embarrassed", she tells me to throw those parts that feel the shame or whatever, to the other side of the couch. Then I don't have to feel "yukky" anymore, and can just talk about how I am really feeling, minus the shame or whatever. That part of me that feels the shame is "over there", away on the couch. It sounds silly, but somehow this works for me. I don't shut down. I feel free to talk.

I want to send you lots of

Hmm, I'll have to give this some thought. It doesn't seem easy to do....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

This sounds like a very strong desire to tell T, to have T know about this. Maybe telling him, or the idea of telling him, makes you feel as if you would be forcing him to listen, that he is 'bound' by the relationship to listen. T is there to listen, he is bound to his desire to help. T will be able to see what is going on when you share this with him with your words. Your words will give him the gift of sight

Thank you...

Fortunately, early on in therapy, I told T about my trauma from the past...but in a very factual way. I was emotionally detached at the time...

But things have changed, and I am less detached from my feelings...so it feels like an entirely different ballgame with talking to T about it....it's like, the situation has been exposed, but we haven't delved into what's unfinished, the feelings, how it's affected my life, how it is affecting my life now...It's so raw and icky now...when before, it was just something that was....

[darkrunner]

Mixed Up,
I wish I could offer more, but here are some hugs:

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Oh Blue, just those words - admitting that I feel ashamed, foolish and embarrassed, makes my heart race and the butterflies go wild in the pit of my stomach.

I just wish it didn't exist. That it would all just go away. Why does it have to be so hard and awful? I wish the past would just stay where it belongs - in the past...

You know, you told us here on the board and you are okay. I know this is anonymous and no one sees you, but maybe telling us here is a good start. If we here can love you and accept you, how much more T can since he knows you and is your T.

In the past when I have shared something here it organizes things in my head so I can share them with T and get her perspective. Maybe you can post what you might say and how you would word it. Practice here with us on your thread. Whar do you think?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

You know, you told us here on the board and you are okay. I know this is anonymous and no one sees you, but maybe telling us here is a good start. If we here can love you and accept you, how much more T can since he knows you and is your T.

In the past when I have shared something here it organizes things in my head so I can share them with T and get her perspective. Maybe you can post what you might say and how you would word it. Practice here with us on your thread. Whar do you think?

Thanks, Blue....

Being anonymous and typing the words seems so much easier than telling someone face-to-face. It's something T and I have discussed before too...there's less risk that way. Same thing with group T, even the other group members know that I have a much easier time expressing my feelings in writing on the blog than during the session in group. Fear gets in the way...

I like your idea of doing a dry-run here on PC....even though that too scares me, because that would require me facing what I'm running from. Ugh. I will give it some thought and hopefully give it a try...Thanks, Blue....(( HUGS ))

[BlueMoon6]

oh good! You know, I think probably most of us here have a much easier time writing things down than saying them face to face. I do, too. Now, I know its a matter of degree, but when you do it, even if it is while looking at the ground, the more you do it and see that no one tosses you out the door and that they care and understand, the much much easier it gets to be honest with how you feel. Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable that my mind goes blank and I doont know at all how I feel in the moment. But that gets better with practice. I breathe, slow down, and search for how exactly am I feeling. What is great is that you always have the right to change your mind, re-phrase something or explain further. You have ALL of these rights, MUE, to be who you are. I know that was a hard concept for me to grasp. That I have the right to be me. I dont have to be what/who I think someone else (even a T) wants me to be. Its big. MUE can be MUE. No matter what she says or how she says it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It's that T couldn't stop the awful things from happening to me. He can't change what happened. No one can.

This isn't what therapy is for. Actually, part of healing is about accepting what happened and then working through it. The acceptance part is actually the first part.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Why can't I just let it all go away and live my freakin life instead of being some big baby who can't face or deal with what's happened....or just forget it, look forward, and move on....

Yeah right.......

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

But the strange thing is that I don't feel safe or good telling him things. I feel foolish, embarrassed, horrified. It makes me physically sick. I get into a huge panic and want to run run RUN!!!

I hate when these HUGE HUGE feelings hit me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere....but it's not really nowhere....it's just inside, tucked away, until it comes pushing its way out....and I hate it. I want it to die.

This sounds about right. This is how it feels for most people. You have to push yourself through it (at your own pace of course).

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Oh Blue, just those words - admitting that I feel ashamed, foolish and embarrassed, makes my heart race and the butterflies go wild in the pit of my stomach.

I just wish it didn't exist. That it would all just go away. Why does it have to be so hard and awful? I wish the past would just stay where it belongs - in the past...

This is the way that it is and you can work through this.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Fortunately, early on in therapy, I told T about my trauma from the past...but in a very factual way. I was emotionally detached at the time...

But things have changed, and I am less detached from my feelings...so it feels like an entirely different ballgame with talking to T about it....it's like, the situation has been exposed, but we haven't delved into what's unfinished, the feelings, how it's affected my life, how it is affecting my life now...It's so raw and icky now...when before, it was just something that was....

This is progress!!