[deliquesce]

hello lovelies .

ive been thinking about this for a little while and i'm still a little bit uncertain, but i think it's time for deli to take a step away from PC and to rely more on herself and her IRL support people. primarily pdoc and austin-t, but also the friends i have who i can sometimes bring myself to reach out to with more lightweight stuff.

you guys have been so important in my therapy journey, especially when it's come to helping me build up trust with pdoc and austin-t. i know i've often disclosed things here first to kind of test the waters a bit, and then (with encouragement) taken some of it to pdoc. but i think it's time for me to start doing this directly, especially with the next lot of 'big stuff' i need to process. i remember posting about it (my 'big stuff') here once - it took a lot of courage on my part to divulge it - and no one really had anything to say because no one really related. and that's ok with me (the people who did respond were lovely & supportive) - but it made me sad and reluctant to bring it up with pdoc/austin-t because i felt like a freak that no one really related at all. it's made me look at how much you folk on PC are the third element in my therapy, and how that's been GREAT while it's been pushing me forward, but that maybe i also need to be aware of its limitations when it's holding me back or making me more confused. because i know i still need to deal with this stuff with pdoc/austin-t regardless of how much i feel like a singular freak. so, i think for my sake, i need to work on testing the relationship with pdoc and austin-t more directly. maybe not with the big stuff straight away, but with the other stuff i would feel comfortable discussing here on PC, because i know people would know what to say.

that's a bit scary and confronting for me - not having my PC folk here as my security blanket to help me figure out what is safe and not safe to disclose. but ive been seeing pdoc for 5yrs now, and maybe it's time for me to start trusting him more fully also. trusting myself to trust him with the right stuff. i dont know.

the other reason i think i need to step away from PC is that i dont think i've been the sort of deli i would like to be when i've been replying to some other people's threads. ive been finding myself wanting to push people (not to hurt them, but in a constructive manner!!) but i think i've neglected to be gentle at the same time. i dont want to be the sort of person who can impart remarkable insight (which i dont ever flatter myself that i am doing) if i'm doing it in a way that isnt also mindful of where that person is emotionally. so i think that's the other reason i need to step back for now.

and i feel a bit silly for posting this thread, because i feel like im making a big deal out of something that isnt a big deal to many people (whether i'm around or not) but i also know if i pmed one or two of you that i would forget to pm others who would want to know also, so it's just easier sticking it out here. and i dont think this is a permanent break at all (far too addicted to PC for that!!) but one i just need to try out to see where it gets me in terms of my therapy and also simply to recalibrate away from my little online world of friends .

no doubt i will be back on like a crazy woman when my thesis is due in two months and the insomnia makes it such that i can actually see you folk in real time (as opposed to posting while you're all sleeping due to the US being topsy-turvy with respect to when PROPER daylight hours are ). but until then - take care and all the best!! and someone wish me well, because i'm actually quite scared and sad to leave, no matter how short the break may be .


xoxo deli

Enjoy your "me" time and take care of yourself; in fact, indulge yourself a little every now and then. Best wishes to you, and we'll still be here with open arms when you are ready to return. Much love . . .

deli,

Thanks for posting this. I don't know you well...and I don't know your story, but I have really appreciated all the support and insight you've offered me and others during my short time here.

I totally get the need for a break and testing the waters more with IRL support. Good for you!!!

Best wishes to you always. I think you are brave and will thrive.

[rainbow8]

deli,

Good luck to you! I wish I could be brave like you are, to take a break from PC! You've been helpful to me, and I don't think you've pushed me too far even though you may think so. You've got to do what is best for you. Take care.

[gravyyy]

Good for you Deil! I know you and I haven't connected a whole lot on here but I read posts often and often lear from what you have said in them. You're awesome for taking on real life head-on.... it's scary for you, I know, but realize that the internet and this site will always be here if you need a nudge forward again. Honestly, I hope I don't see you on here anymore b/c that would mean you're doing fantastic!!! I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

[velcro003]

Awww Deli, you make Velcro sad. I agree with most of what you say, and I have pulled away from even reading PC when it gets intense in therapy, because everyone else's story either colludes with mine and makes me feel better, or doesn't...and makes me feel worse. It seems I respond the best in PC is when I am in a better place, in my life, but also with trusting my T. It is the lengthiest trusting process I've definitely ever been through, and I think I'm only starting to allow little fissure cracks in my wall. So, I get it.

And you KNOW that I am here for you with ALL of your stuff. Big, small...ALL OF IT. If you don't post in PC, please PM me. They make my day brighter.

I am SO proud of you that you were able to recognize that maybe stepping away is a good thing for you, for you to rely on pdoc and austinT more. That is HUGE. A great step moving forward in your life.

[googley]

(((((((Deli))))))))

I will be sad to not see you around. You leave such encouraging posts both about your experiences and your growth, and in replies to others. I have learned so much from you. Please take care of yourself. We will be here when you can/want to return. Remember that PDoc and Austin-T are there for you. And remember to stand up for what you need for yourself when they do things that aren't right. You will be missed while you are gone.


Take care of yourself.

Googley

(((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))

I'm glad, REALLY, that you're doing what you need to do for YOU...and I'll miss seeing you on PC.

Remember to be nice to yourself

[Fartraveler]

Good luck Deli. I'm glad you are doing what's best for you. Reading your posts has always provided much inspiration for me. Come back if/when you can, and let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
-Far

[WePow]

((((( Deli )))))) The awesome thing about PC is that you can take time "away" but the support remains. So if it is ever needed, you can return. Enjoy your continued healing!!

[peaches100]

Hi Deli,

At first while reading your post, i felt my heart sink and felt sad because i didn't want you to leave. But it sounds like you know what you need to do right now to keep growing, and that's the most important thing. . .for you to be growing and learning to be happy and healthy in your 3D life. I've really enjoyed reading your posts and keeping up on how things are going for you. I'm sorry that you felt rather alone when you posted about something important here at PC and nobody else seemed to relate. It doesn't make you odd or strange, just unique! I hope you'll come back from time to time to let us know how you are doing.

[bluesylady]

Best wishes in all you do deli. Your replies seem to have always been caring and well though out. If I ever get up the nerve again to post my own thread I'll miss your reply. We all need to find our own way and learn to stand on our own two feet and it looks like you're standing straight and tall and ready to move forward. Congratulations! And thanks for being here.

Be well and take care,
bl

[Xtree]

Good luck Deli. I will miss you! Thank you for all the support you have given me and these boards. Take care of yourself.

Xtree

[zooropa]

oh deli, of course we will miss. I will personally miss you, a lot. And I'm proud of you for knowing what you need right now and doing it, even though it's scary. We will be here when you come back, and you will be ok regardless. You have grown and changed and gotten stronger. Take good care of you, deli.

[pachyderm]

I do not think I am particularly lovely...

deli, i will so miss you here on PC. am glad you are continuing your therapy journey and making such great progress. much love to you girl.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

........someone wish me well, because i'm actually quite scared and sad to leave, no matter how short the break may be

Am just now seeing this. Wow I will miss you. Please PM me if you should ever wish to. and be careful with that vegemite stuff. hugs to you sweet Deli
wshing you BEST - peace,healing, life. here one more

[purple_fins]

best to you Deli

I believe that we each have our own very different and sometimes similar experiences. We come from different backgrounds, families, cultures and such-- I don't think that makes anyone a "freak" if no one can relate, dear deli.

i felt like a freak that no one really related at all.

I doubt that many were faced at 8 years, with a gun to their back, being asked by the gunman what I thought it would be like to die..... but that doesn't make one a freak because others don't know that feeling of pondering ones life's end at age 8(I've yet to find someone that could relate, from that age)..... as well as others might not relate to your child's mind being confused over the abuse and attachments that you had...... that certainly doesn't ever make you a freak Deli.

*sigh*.... don't think that came out the way I wanted it to.... ugh.... I hope you understand what I'm trying to say(some days I'm so not good at expressing.. ugh)-- that you have an inner child that's pained/injured and that will never mean you're a freak.
Please know - You are special and possess a loving soul.

Take care and please come around when you feel able to!

fins

[lily99]

I'll miss you deli
but good luck!!!
lots of

[imapatient]

Deli,

Apologies for taking so long to reply. Lots going on here and I've not been on PV much in the past few weeks.

I'll miss your comments, concern, caring nature, intelligence, reasonableness, kindness, thoughtfulness, seriousness, and humor.

I've learned a lot from you and have taken relief in your support during trying times.

Best wishes to you in the approach to your personal growth that you'll be taking for this new phase.

You have made tremendous progress in your time here on PC, esp. in the past few months and it's great to see such a talented young person succeeding and growing day by day.

Two things that I read in your comments that I see differently:

1. When you shared some of your personal issues/history in detail that are very difficult, deep, and painful, I don’t think others weren't able to relate to the extent you wrote about. During that main thread, I posted a comment to let you know that I think people weren't commenting so much right away because of just how hard, painful, and bad those experiences you were. When a person has gone through such horrific experiences it's hard to know what to say; the fear of saying the wrong thing with such sensitive topics paralyzes people sometimes despite their desire to express their understanding and sympathy. So, I think you missed on some expressions of caring, understanding, and nurturing due to those fears of ours.

2, I see no problem with your comment style at all. You were always very supportive and very careful in your choice of language. You offered rational, intelligent, caring feedback in a very respectful, helpful way. I hope you don't think otherwise, as something you wrote above suggest to me.

Not only will you be missed for all the good you do here, you have many people here invested in your development. I will always welcome your comments and would like to hear how you’re doing re: school, career even if you don’t want to process in a therapeutic sense here.

Hope all goes well for you, it’s a sad day for me personally, but I’m happy to see the growth that has led you to try a new way of working your therapy.

[imapatient]

[crystalrose]

omg Deli., I haven't been on here much and only just saw this.