[granite1]

i put the trigger icon do to some mention of SI




so i know i have been posting a lot these last few weeks and im sorry and want to say thanks to everyone who is taking the time to help and read my posts it means a lot.and it is really helpfull.THANKS

so lastnight i had the worst dream ever.i know it has to do with my fear of going back to see my T after so long but it was so strange i gust want to share it.it wasnt so much about seeing my T as it was about going in her office.infact T wasnt even in the dream it was just her office.I wakled in and the pain was way bad i dont mean just emotional pain but also physical paingoin through my whole body.it was real bad.i couldnt handle the pain of touching the floor or looking at anything that belonged to her if i did the physical pain was so bad and then what ever i was looing at would just crumple into pieces.everything i looked at or touched caused huge physical pain.exsept i was able to sit in the chair because that was mine from home dont know why that was thare but it was and it was ok.but the pain was bad i couldnt deal with anything hers.then it moved on to the SI.she has a coffee table that is next to the chair i sit in and in my dream if i tried to look at anything around in her office or even think anything or open my mouth to talk i would put my arm on that table and stick this needle through my fore arm and then it just seemed like things in my head would just erupt i did this once in my dream and then the second time i was about to stick my arm i woke up.i dont understand what feeling all that physical pain was about and why was it all about my T's office and not her.kind of strange

[googley]

(((((Granite)))))

I'm sorry you had such a painful and scary dream.

[Elysium]

Maybe it is because T's office is where all the pain is brought up and left? You bring it up there, then when you are done...you leave it there to come back to it later....and maybe subconciously this is a fear...of returning to that pain.

Maybe the sticking your arm with the needle wasn't so much about hurting yourself, but finding a way to relieve yourself of the pain in that space. Finding a way, or a treatment, to heal. Almost like going to T is your medicine...you have to get a shot?

It sounds like a distressing dream....and I think these types of dreams can be absolutely normal when getting ready to restart treatment....but that doesn't help much I know.

I'm sorry you are feeling this pain and discomfort again. I think it would be an interesting topic to bring up with T and see where it can lead too. It could be very helpful for you.

[ECHOES]

It sounds like you are dreaming about words moving from written (by the arm) to spoken, and the fear and pain you feel around that. The words seem to gush when they are written, coming from the arm. Yet, the pain is still there...

This would be perfect to talk about in your session.

[chaotic13]

Granite,

Wow, scary dream. I never used to remember my dreams until..IDK last year sometime. I wonder if that is a side effect of therapy...it makes you start dreaming again...hmmm. I rememver having scary dreams as a child and when I first started having them again...it was during my attempts to talk about the past and they were very scary..not real memories, just really weird...crazy stuff. The bad ones don't seem to be as frequent or to affect me as much now..so hopefully as you work on things in therapy that will happen for you too.

In your dream maybe the furnature crumbling represents feeling like the stability of your world or of your T's office will be lost if you start to talk about and acknowledge your pain. Or you feel like if you talk it will get you into trouble and you will destroy everything.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Granite,

Wow, scary dream. I never used to remember my dreams until..IDK last year sometime. I wonder if that is a side effect of therapy...it makes you start dreaming again...hmmm. I rememver having scary dreams as a child and when I first started having them again...it was during my attempts to talk about the past and they were very scary..not real memories, just really weird...crazy stuff. The bad ones don't seem to be as frequent or to affect me as much now..so hopefully as you work on things in therapy that will happen for you too.

In your dream maybe the furnature crumbling represents feeling like the stability of your world or of your T's office will be lost if you start to talk about and acknowledge your pain. Or you feel like if you talk it will get you into trouble and you will destroy everything.

chaotic i really have no idea what it meant and i dont usually remember my dreams either.but this one really got to me.i have never dreamt about this T or anything.but i know that is isnt helping the fact that i have to walk in her office on monday.all this has just left me with a huge feeling of dread

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It sounds like you are dreaming about words moving from written (by the arm) to spoken, and the fear and pain you feel around that. The words seem to gush when they are written, coming from the arm. Yet, the pain is still there...

This would be perfect to talk about in your session.

echoes im am totally scared about what she has planned to make me talk to her.maybe thats it IDK but it doesnt help me at all to be dreaming this stuff.that i do know

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by granite1

echoes im am totally scared about what she has planned to make me talk to her.maybe thats it IDK but it doesnt help me at all to be dreaming this stuff.that i do know

granite1, she can't make you talk; she is telling you it's okay to talk and encouraging you to talk, because it is a wonderful thing to experience--yes, even when it feels impossible, feels scary, brings up many fears. The fears and panic feelings are only within you. The room and T are calm and safe.

To talk, to be heard, accepted and responded to.. is a wonderful thing.
You can do this

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

I wakled in and the pain was way bad i dont mean just emotional pain but also physical paingoin through my whole body.

i couldnt handle the pain of touching the floor or looking at anything that belonged to her if i did the physical pain was so bad

and then what ever i was looing at would just crumple into pieces.

exsept i was able to sit in the chair because that was mine from home

if i tried to look at anything around in her office or even think anything or open my mouth to talk i would put my arm on that table and stick this needle through my fore arm and then it just seemed like things in my head would just erupt

Maybe she wasn't in the dream because that would be too much?

Just the thoughts of her cause you pain?

The stuff crumpling into pieces, you feel you ruin things?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe she wasn't in the dream because that would be too much?

Just the thoughts of her cause you pain?

The stuff crumpling into pieces, you feel you ruin things?

thats for sure sannah i almost totally ruined everything with my T.it was all so stupid i hadnt seen her in so long and the week i was going to see her she called and canclled and i totally had a major tempertantrum.i told her i quit and didnt want to see her anymore,calmed down and asked if i could still see her and i am going to see her on the 14th.i'm so scared to even walk in her office now really dont know if i can do it but i'm gonna try

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

granite1, she can't make you talk; she is telling you it's okay to talk and encouraging you to talk, because it is a wonderful thing to experience--yes, even when it feels impossible, feels scary, brings up many fears. The fears and panic feelings are only within you. The room and T are calm and safe.

To talk, to be heard, accepted and responded to.. is a wonderful thing.
You can do this

i'm not so sure all this can happen echoes.it all sounds so great it really does but how?i just cant go in thare and just start talking.i was thinking of maybe reading a letter or something but i dont think i could even make my voice work im just to paniced i kind of just want her to let me sit and say nothing to see if things at least still feel the same you know what i mean.i dont even want her to try to help me talk monday it will just frustrate her to no end.i want to sit and see if her office still feels as safe as it did or did i ruin that too

[Sannah]

I don't think that you ruined anything granite. Your therapist or this situation isn't a house of cards. Your T and this situation is much more durable than you think. It is funny how strong so many of us are after what we have gone through. We are so strong and durable, yet we can think that situations or others are so fragile and can't withstand anything. This situation is yours to work with granite. Nothing is ruined.

[ECHOES]

And what if you did just go in there and start talking?

What do you imagine that would be like?

I hardly spoke for 9 months. Then I decided to start talking. It began to feel like a 'damed if you do, damed if you don't', so I decided to start talking to see if there was anything to lose. That first session I talked about baking Christmas cookies.
I had chosen to take a leap of trust, to just 'try it out' and see what it was like.